Feeling rejected by dad at Christmas

[LadyGagarden]

I’m feeling quite low at the moment. Mum died last year in her 60’s and my brother died nearly ten years ago in his 20’s. Dad understandably is quite bitter and he basically said that he doesn’t celebrate Christmas anymore so doesn’t want to spend Christmas Day with me, DH and the DD’s. He is however, going to his brother’s with my grandad for Christmas dinner which is fine with me. However we were just speaking about when he will come down with presents etc and I suggested Boxing Day and he said no as he is going out for a meal with the same people as he is spending Christmas Day with! I just feel so upset about it all. He is coming down the week before with my grandad so we are going to see him but it upsets me that he (or the others) hasn’t thought to invite us to the meal on Boxing Day or that he should see us too around that time. I know it’s probably selfish of me but feel sorry for the DD’s that he is so wrapped up in himself he doesn’t think about them. Does anyone else feel like this or is it me being over sensitive? I just feel I have such a small family now that it would be nice to feel the ones I do have are bothered. DH and I have spent Christmas Eve and Day on our own with the children for a few years now which has actually been nice but the day itself could just be any other day really.

I think you are being over sensitive. Your father is entitled to do what he wants He probably feels more comfortable with his father and brother than playing happy families without your mother. Let him grieve and live his life how he wants.
If you cant make Christmas special for your DH and DDs then that is selfish.

He is grieving in his own way. Don’t take it personally.

Enjoy your Christmas with your own little family and take each year as it comes.

I can see why you'd feel disappointed. You've also lost your mum and brother.

My guess would be that he, his dad and brother can collectively do very little over those days and that's what he likes. Less effort than interacting with kids.

I think there's little you can do. But you and your DH and kids are a perfectly good family all of your own. Don't be put off by being just you lot together. It's still a special day.

Sorry you are feeling low, OP. At this time of year all the adverts with beaming families around crowded tables can smart a bit if that's what you want but don't have.

I have a step-father that doesn't celebrate Christmas since the death of my mother. It is a bit frustrating at times, he won't put up any decorations and didn't accept presents/send any cards for years although he did make an exception for Grandchildren He wouldn't come to ours for Christmas dinner because it reminds him of my mum but he will go to one of his daughters.

Having said that, he can be hard work though so it is a mixed blessing! We have fab Christmases with just us (we live away from our family) and it is a very special day for us. Start making your own traditions and have a lovely day, whatever you do with it.

Thanks for the responses. I think i just feel quite alone really. I had my first DD a few months before my brother died and she was diagnosed with a disability at birth, then he died so it was kind of a double whammy that year which I have never got over but on the outside, I always make such an effort to be positive for the family but it doesn’t feel reciprocated if that makes sense? I can’t imagine not wanting to be around one of my DD’s if one died, especially at Christmas, if anything I’d want to be around them more.

It may well be that he does not want to drag your Christmas down. Seeing you with your kids may well remind him of happy times but heighten his loss iyswim.

Poor man is grieving. He’s lost his life partner and isn’t feeling like a bouncy child filled Christmas.
You may be so like your mother in his eyes that it is painful for him. He may want to be quiet and not ruin others Christmas.
Why don’t you have the conversation with him. Undoubtedly you’re grieving too but you have a family and youth with plenty to look forward to. He doesn’t; he must feel numb and empty poor man.