All I want for Christmas

[thatmummy]

All I want for Christmas is my Mum, my beautiful, lovely, perfect in every way Mum.

I have my lovely supportive fiancé and we have two amazing children one aged 8 and one just 10 weeks old, I should keep it happy for them, I need to be happy for them but inside I am screaming, I am crying out for my Mum, I feel broken.

My mum died in July, exactly 1 week after my 28th birthday, and just over 3 years after my dad, I know I should take comfort in that they are together again, but life feels so unfair right now that I don't even know if I believe in all that anymore...I just want my Mum, I want to cuddle her, tell her everything I didn't have time to say when she was here.

I'm writing this post because Christmas is coming, the house is all beautiful with lights and decorations, I just feel scared, I know I need to keep up this excited front to not spoil it all for everyone but I just want to hide, cry, kick and scream...I just want her back.

thatmummy I know how you feel. My dad died in September and I miss him so much. I'm in tears now thinking about him. He loved Xmas so much and it's going to be so hard without him.
I also feel scared that I'm going to break down on Xmas day and ruin the day. I've got to stay strong for my mum but it's very tough.
I can't face decorating the house yet.

You will need a cry at Christmas, the first one without my dad, everyone was in the lounge and I went to the kitchen and just cried, I'm so sorry for your loss to you too virtual handholding if you need it x

Oh god me too. I posted about this the other day. I’m olde than you and this will be my second Christmas without her but I’m dreading it. I just think it’s the way it’s supposed to be though...she wasn’t just the person you loved she’s the person who gave you life so it’s something deeply primal

Oh love, it is so so painful. But you are allowed to cry and rage and everything else at your loss, you know that don't you. But she knew that you loved her to bits. Carry that bit with you at all times.

Every Christmas I get the blues for the empty chairs here too, one of which belongs to my darling sister who passed away quite young from a devastating cancer. Very few of us are exempt from sadness at what should be a happy time.

It isn't really all that happy for those like us, but the way I look at it is.... they wouldn't want us to be crying and sad. Life is for the living.

I know what you are going through OP. Bring your Mum with you and have a photo up on the day, it sounds ridiculous, but that's what we do for all our Empty Chair folk that we have lost. It does help, and lots of tears are shed, then we move on and try to enjoy the season as best we can.

Sending hugs your way. And to everyone else too.

Did your 8 year old know your DM? Would they understand if at one point your fiancé explained that you were going to quiet on your own for a few minutes because you are sad that grandma isn't there. Could you tell DC that a few days before and that it's not that you don't love or enjoy Christmas just need to be quiet. (Sorry I don't have DC so maybe I've got this wrong for age a child would take that in., and of course each person is different.)