1st anniversary of DM's death soon - still miss her

[starshine1926]

I read the thread, "things that catch you...." and so much of it resonates with me, especially LazySusan and Increasingly's posts.

The 'firsts' have been hard. DM died last year, a month before Xmas. I was dreading Xmas as I have no kids or siblings. Arsehole DP left me on my own at Xmas ( posted about this then), we don't live together, but I survived due to the brilliant support of my friends, MN and a few bottles of wine .

I have been getting on with life but did have mini melt downs on Mother's day and DM 's birthday in October.
Next week is the anniversary of her death and already dreading it. I expect I shall visit the grave with some flowers.

I naively thought there was a point when you stopped missing the person. I have now had the crushing realisation that there will always be an 'absence' in my life.
I seem to miss DM mostly when DP is misbehaving - I guess it's the loss of that unconditional love which only mothers give. The past year I have totally lacked motivation and enthusiasm but I had to force myself to get my ass into gear as I had a big business project to get going.

I have also been thinking a lot about my childhood and the stuff I did with DM. Is this normal? All the people we knew, the places we went, things we did - all those memories have died with her because they are meaningless to anyone else.

I am trying to look forward positively and plan a different life for myself eg getting fitter. I know I am lucky in many ways. DM wanted me to be happy. But honestly, grief is really really shit isn't it?

On another note, AIBU to actually want to spend this Xmas away from DP and his kids?

I am sorry for your loss. There is no set time to get over the loss of a loved one, grieving is unique to each person. I do feel that you may benefit from bereavement counselling. Contact Cruise Bereavement Care they are a marvellous organisation.
Your plan for a different life is a good idea and your right, your mother would not want you to be unhappy she would want only good things for you.
As for your partner I would not include him in your future plans and I certainly would not spend Xmas with him. You deserve better

" When you speak of her speak not with tears, for thoughts of her should not be sad. Let memories of the time you shared give you comfort for her life was rich because of you."
.

Oh Starshine, it"s so, so hard isn't it? I lost my DM three and a half years ago. I miss her every day. I too am without siblings or children of my own. It makes me feel so sad, so unthethered. You can never appreciate what bereavement is like until you experience it. You're right. it's shit. I still feel really overwhelmed by it, and by the finality of it.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's still so recent for you. I think you should spend Christmas in whichever way you think you will cope (and I hope, enjoy) the most.