My beautiful grandson died yesterday evening....

[starshineangelxx]

... this is my first ever post but I need to know how to talk and what to say (without breaking down and crying myself) to my son and his fiance whose son was born too soon at 30 weeks last night and died an hour later.

How do I cope with my grief when its so heartbreaking listening to them cry over the death of their son, what do I say and do? The worst part of this is that they live in Colchester and I live in London and I am disabled and use a wheelchair and I can't be physically there for them.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

Yes absolutely use his name and mention him. My friend lost her baby boy just after birth and she was itching to talk about him, who he looked like, how he had really long fingers and maybe would have been great pianist like his father etc. But so many people just pretended he had never existed. He was her first baby and things like the first mother’s day after his birth were so hard as she was a mum but just no longer had her baby with her.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your angel grandson

Tinklylittlelaugh - I was on the phone to both of them in fact last night and again this morning, how do you think I heard them crying?

Ceto - Yes I have plenty of people to talk to, my daughter, my youngest son, my sister and his other grandmother Carol

MerryMarigold - her mother lives in Colchester so she'll be seeing to all that

Thank you again for all the messages

I think it is better to text or email. The telephone is such an intrusion and so noisy when you are tired and numb with grief. Of course tell them that they can ring you any time if they want to, but they may not be able to just yet.
So sorry for your loss.

Just listen, don't offer platitudes, tell them how strong they have been and how courageously they are coping. Ask them if they'd like to talk about what happened, as sometimes worrying about other people's squeamishness can prevent the couple from talking about details and things they may be thinking about. Obviously if they don't wish to talk about it that's understandable too. I'm so sorry for your loss, what a shock for you all and so sad.

So sorry to read of the loss of your grandson.

You have been given some great counsel, I would add be kind to yourself. I would suggest also that you contact SANDS for their support; they were of great help to me when my friend's daughter was stillborn.

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. for you and your family and baby Jack Christopher.

All you can do is be there for them on the end of the phone. Let them grieve and grieve with them. Let them rant and rave if they want to at the injustice of it all. They will go through every emotion known to man I suspect. It will be hard, the hardest thing you will ever do but just the fact that you are there will be a comfort them.

I hope you have someone close to you to help you grieve too, it must be awful to be so far away from them.
Take care of yourself too. Baby steps will get you all through this one minute at a time.

I like Merry's suggestion of food deliveries, it will be the last thing on their mind but they will probably be more inclined to eat if its provided for them and they dont have to bother about preparing it.

I don't have any words, just wanted you to know that your post touched my heart.

are you able to send them a food hamper or shop for them, flowers....so sorry for you loss

Echoing what rock and cakes have said, I think it is important to acknowledge your grandson as a beloved grandchild, allow his parents to talk about him, maybe ask to see pictures of him, let them know he will always be an important part of your family.

A friend whose son was stillborn said that one of the worst things was people not wanting to hear or talk about or see him. In the aftermath, her mother actually wouldn't look at photos of him, because it was 'so awful', and many other people would sort of instinctively look away too. She said that that really hurt her more than anything, as she wanted to celebrate as well as mourn him - she still had all the normal feelings of pride about her baby, along with the grief.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful grandson Jack.
We lost our little girl at 27 weeks almost 7 weeks ago now. Both of our moms were and are being very supportive. I find it lovely to talk about her and who she looks like and even the birth - like I need to talk about it loads. So just be patient, keep checking up on them any way you can (my mom lives in another country) and keep talking about him. They will realise that you are grieving with and for them.
All the best to you all.

My FIL didn’t know what to say either and one day he rocked up on our door step with loads of plants to do our garden. He loves gardening and our garden stil needed doing (new house). I still look out to our garden with that memory.

I appreciate you won’t be able to do that but just wanted to give you an idea.

Btw - I don’t think texts are necessarily bad, I wasn’t answering the phone, I didn’t want to speak to anyone. But obviously if they are happy to call, then call. Also take care of dad, he’s suffering too and often feels he needs to stay strong for everyone else.

And in four years time, still talk about him, it still hurts.

I am so sorry starsshine😥😥😥. Massive hugs💐💐💐

Do what feels right for you. They are going to be numb with grief and shock right now, and there will be things to deal with so in a way the first few weeks just happen. It's in the following weeks and months that they need support - just a phone call to say I'm thinking of you and my grandson will keep them going. Keeping his memory alive in your family will help them more than you can ever imagine. I lost a son at 26 weeks, and the fact it was swept under the carpet hurt me in ways I could never explain. It will be a long road for them and just knowing you are there for them will help their pain x I am so sorry for all of your loss .

I’m so so sorry I don’t have any advice I’m afraid but I agree with other posters that unless it makes them uncomfortable, please keep talking about him.
I’m sure the worst thing for parents is when people just avoid the subject in fear of upsetting them. Please talk about beautiful little Jack.

I'm so sorry. Rest in peace Jack Christopher.

Not sure if it's a good idea or not but write a letter to your grandson and send it to his parents.

Write about how much he was wanted by everyone, how much he will be missed, how he will never be forgotten and will always be loved. Tell him about all the family and how you will miss doing things with him.

And I agree that a phone call can be hard when you are numb with grief, just functioning on a daily basis is hard, never mind speaking. A message to say 'I am here. I am always here. You can rant, rave, scream and cry and I am always here'.

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandson. You must all be absolutely devastated x

My son was stillborn at term, I miss him every day. Absolutely agree with everyone else, do talk about him but also send text messages, those little moments of reaching out are really important. Sometimes there's no energy for a phone conversation. It's always meant a lot to me that my mum sends messages saying she's thinking about him, that he's her precious grandson (and not just a 'bad thing' or difficult event which happened to me and my husband). For me one of the hardest things was very few people really acknowledging my son as a person who died. Remembering Jack Christopher at Christmas etc, in the years to come, will mean a lot. Much love to you too. My mum made contact with a grandparent supporter at her local Sands and that was very good for her.

Might it help them to have a remembrance box, with photos, maybe a pair of bootees and his scan pictures? I agree with talking about him and phoning every day. You're doing the right thing just by being there and caring.

Also be ready to still talk about him in a year’s time when everyone else has moved on.

So sorry for your loss. RIP Jack Christopher.

Oh my heart aches for you and your family. The loss of such a wee soul can leave such a huge gaping wound.
Jack Christopher is a lovely name for your precious wee boy. Mention him often and maybe you could contact his other Granny? I know you said she was supporting them as she was local, so could you offer some financial help to her to get meals in for them so it’s a Team Granny effort? She may also be an ally for you in understanding that pain you feel for both your own loss but that also of your own child’s immense pain.
SANDS is a very helpful source of information and support. 💕

mycatsapirate: thats a lovely idea, the hospital are providing a memory box with pictures, hand and foot prints, it can go in there

Once again thank you for all your messages and for those of you who lost a baby or anyone for sharing your stories it really helped

I'll be thinking of Jack Christopher. Babies who aren't here for long still change the world, they change absolutely everything for the people who love them and for the people who hear about them in the time to come. Much love to you all. xxx

Its always awful when a baby who hasn't experienced life yet doesn't make it. What a terrible thing to have happened. OP I'm so so sorry for you and your daughter.