What to say to my recently widowed friend? Am I helping??

[twotimestrouble]

My best friend from school was tragically widowed late last year. She has no kids. She and her DH lived for each other. We live v far apart so maintain a phone relationship. She doesn't call me, I always call her but she's always pleased to hear from me and talks for hours. However, within ten minutes we are talking about DH and issues around his death etc. I wanted advice from other widows - am I right to kind of encourage this or do you think I should gently steer the conversation in other directions??? I often feel I am doing more harm than good.

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She's probably really grateful to be able to talk about him with you. I was talking to a friend recently whose dad died - and she said she found it so hard that everyone stopped talking about him, and when she tried to it made people so uncomfortable that she felt she shouldn't - and that made grieving much harder for her. It's great that you call and will listen and that she can express all those things to you. I guess be lead by her.

YG has quoted it brilliantly on her blog - would copy it here but feel it's better if she does it. But yes, I think she should talk about it.

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Thanks, YG. Have sent this to a friend who recently lost her mum - not everything applies but so much resonates in the general experience of grieving.

Thanks YG/tribpot. That was v upsetting to read but incredibly useful. My BF does seem to be coping very, very well (although she admits to crying every night) but I know from the amount of talking she does about her husband that this is not the case. I had really worried that I was somehow forcing her to relive his death and her aloneness every time we spoke. However, reading this I kind of realise she does this always and finds it therapeutic to do it again with someone else. It's very hard when you have a great distance seperating you because you can't just drop in and be supportive inthat way. Also, I couldn't understand why she doesn't pick up the phone to me ! even though we used to all the time.

PS I put my friend in touch with WAY a few weeks ago and she has met a couple of other widows in her situation which is brilliant.

yorkiegirl thankyou so much for sharing your thoughts & feelings, would you mind if i kept a copy of your writing?

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When my DH died I would tell everyone I was coping "just fine thanks". It was easier than watching their horror as I slid to the floor and howled like a wounded animal.

Many of my "friends" drifted away in terms of their support 3 months or so after DH died. I think it scared them that I would need them for an indefinite period. I was a burden to their happy perfect lives.

The best thing you can do is be there and be there and be there and be there and be there and be there.

There is no time limit on grief. God knows, it's 11 years next month since DH1 died, I cried like a baby last night with DH2 when we talked about some of my memories.

The best gift you can give her is to let her talk.
People would try to jolly me along, change the subject, lighten the mood.

When the one person you planned to spend the next 50 years with has been wiped off the face of the earth it takes weeks, months and years for you to come to terms with that concept and the best way of achieving that is by talking.

Just be a quiet ear. Hear what she says and don't feel as though you have to offer solutions or platitudes.

It won't be easy for you, bless you for caring so much.x

I have just read Yorkiegirls post in full.

Absolutely make a note of important dates. Acknowlege them with a card/flowers/a phone call.

I have one very dear friend (you know who you are StinkyPete) who has never missed an anniversary in 11 years. It means so much that one other person remembers him and us.

XX Yorkiegirl.I often think of you and your girls.

Thanks, Yorkiegirl - I'm going to keep a copy of that too. The stuff about not saying "call me if you need anything" really got to me. A timely kick up the bum to get in touch with a couple of friends - as well as a useful response to people who say that to me when I'm struggling with stuff.

Thanks to all. I know I am so lucky to have my DH. I always feel bad because my friend basically got us together when I was only 15 and we are still so incredibly happy and have two children etc. I know I would NOT cope if the roles were reversed. I would be hopeless and bereft. I often feel I am holding up a mirror to her (now very miserable) life. I am going to take all your advice, particularly about ackowledging anniversaries etc. I had thought about it but then felt it might upset her further.

Can I ask you all one question: is it appropriate for me to send a card on the date of his death or would that be better left alone?

My lovely friend Stinkypete always makes a point of ringing me. Not in an obvious way. There is often very little mention of DH. She just phones to say she's thinking of me and that I'm not alone.

A card would be a lovely gesture. No great sloppy verses. Just, I'm thinking of you and DH today.

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Thanks again to all and am truly sorry for your losses. You've been amazingly helpful.