How do I process this

[tofollowtheclouds]

My partner took his own life almost 4 months ago now and I have been struggling to come to terms with what happened, all the why's that I'll never have the answers too, all the memories that will now never be added too, hearing him in our house then realising it was just a draft or something and all the other up and down emotions that comes with something as devastating as this.

I have now found out this week that he cheated on me two years ago and possibly again last year with the same person. Of course now that I know this everything from around that time all falls into place, the not coming home till the early hours, hiding his phone etc but despite all the flaws in our relationship the one thing I was certain about was that neither of us would ever cheat.

I'm so fucking angry with him right now and feel like such a fool. We live in such a small community that a fair few people knew about it. Add to this everything he put me through and I just feel like I've wasted the last 3 years of my life and I now can't even feel any compassion for his loss of life.

I still talk to his family regularly especially his mum, they came to visit only the other week so that we could scatter his ashes and plant a tree in his memory but now I feel like going and ripping the sodding tree out. Obviously I won't and I will never tell his family this new information, just like I haven't told them a lot of the bad stuff (they know he was far from an angel but feel they don't need his memory tarring further) but how the hell am I supposed to deal with this now?

No advice I'm afraid, but didn't want to read and run. I'll bump your thread for you in the meantime

I don't think you have to hide it from them as such. It's not your fault and it's not your responsibility to keep it secret.

This must be very tough, and confusing for you. Easier said than done but I guess in time you'll find a way to look forward rather than back. Best wishes

Thank you, I have since found out more details about this affair and it seems there were times where they were being rather blatant about the whole thing.

I am slightly pissed off that nobody told me at the time but I can understand their reluctance as he wouldn't have taken kindly to that, he unfortunately wasn't bothered about punching first and asking questions later.

He sold his business very early on in our relationship and after bills etc there wasn't much profit left, he very quickly spent this on crap anyway then I ended up supporting him. He couldn't start a new business as he had no capital left and he refused to work for anyone else.

All the time he was having a blatant affair with a girl less than half his age (21) it was my money that he was using to buy her bloody drinks with!!

Add the domestic violence and controlling, manipulative behaviour I was a flaming idiot for the past 3 years and that is what hurts so much.

He doesn’t sound like he was a good man. Be grateful it was only 3 years. Many women have wasted decades on men like this. Suggest a ‘cleansing’ ceremony where you burn / donate his stuff if you haven’t done so already, then move on. In my opinion the best way to do that is to do stuff you love, hang out with friends, date, etc. Don’t let him get the last laugh.

I believe in fate. In amongst all the hurt and confusion I reckon you will eventually see that you are well shot.