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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Feeling guilty about sex...........

19 replies

JenumGeranium · 09/04/2007 21:49

My dad died a couple of weeks ago now, and obviously I am still finding it hard to cope with. I am also 6 months pregnant. The thing is me and hubby have an active sex life usually, but although I feel I would like to have sex with my hubby, I cant help but feel guilty about it. Its really hard to explain, but I feel like I shouldnt be doing things like that so sonn after my dad dying.
Any advice would be great.

OP posts:

Original poster

JenumGeranium · 09/04/2007 21:55

Please help

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cinnamontam · 09/04/2007 21:58

I have no idea what to say just didn't want you to be out in the ether on your own. So sorry to hear about your Dad

I'm sure someone will be along soon to say something wise but till then here's a

Original poster

JenumGeranium · 09/04/2007 22:01

Thank you!

I needed a hug!

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Uki · 09/04/2007 23:29

Hi Jenum
Sorry to hear about the loss our your dear Dad.

It sounds like you are greiving and need some time to heal,Sometimes pregnancy is'nt great for making you feel the most sexual. Although you shouldn't feel guilty if you want to.

How are you feeling in general about other things. I'm pg too, and very emotional without having lost someone, so I imagine it must be very hard, Do you talk to hubby about everything?

Original poster

JenumGeranium · 10/04/2007 09:59

Hi Uki

Yes my hubby is great and I can tell him anything. He understands that its a hard time at the moment and he doesnt pressurise me or anything. He was also close to my dad so he is grieving too.

I am trying to not get too upset as I have to think of the baby and once I start crying then I can't stop!

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Original poster

JenumGeranium · 10/04/2007 10:27

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Uki · 10/04/2007 11:23

Hey Jen

I'm back on line now If you want to talk.
It's great that dh is so supportive. I'm sure baby won't mind if you need to cry it's better to grieve now than let it build up.

was your dad sick?

cinnamontam · 10/04/2007 16:36

Hi Jen,

Sorry I disappeared last night. Got kicked off the internet half way through a post and couldn't get back on. How you feeling today?

Tam

Original poster

JenumGeranium · 10/04/2007 17:36

Hiya

Been back at work today, which kind of took my mind off things a bit!

During the day I am fine - its at night when I start my thinking!

Yes Uki my dad was sick - he had bowel cancer a couple of years ago and had an op to remove it. He did well after the op and seemed fine. Then he went for a scan earlier this year and was told that some of the cancer must have been left, which had now spread to his lungs.

He was ill but ok, then he started coughing up blood, so he got admitted to hospital. He was in for about a week and then he had a fall and broke his hip so he had an op. We saw him the afternoon after the op, so he wasnt at his best bless him - but he knew we were there and I held his hand!

Then he started to pick up and start eating again so we were all hopeful that he would be coming home soon. Then he was diagnosed with Angina and he just started going downhill.

2 weeks after we had seen him I got a phone call from a relative to say that he was in a really bad way and the docs gave him a few days. Well that night we got the call to say he had gone. It was so quick, but he wasn't in any pain thank god.

I should have explained - I live in London and mum and dad live in Southort (about an hour from Liverpool) so that has been really hard, but I am glad I saw him when I did.

Sorry this is long - but its nice to talk about it.

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Original poster

JenumGeranium · 10/04/2007 18:13

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Wilbur · 10/04/2007 18:42

Hi Jenum. I'm so sorry about your dad, it's very tough. I lost my father 4 years ago when my dd was 9 weeks old so I understand about the heightened emotions of pregnancy / new baby compounding bereavement. I also know what you mean about sex, I have lost both my parents and after each death I found it v hard to relax when having sex or even to feel much like it. I think it takes a while for morbid thoughts to recede, but you will get there. In the meantime, just take it easy and explain to your dh how you are feeling. I'm sure he will understand. On the positive side, the baby you have coming will be a wonderful focus for you in the coming months (and a bittersweet reminder of your dad) - I do feel that dd "saved" me in a way, by keeping me occupied until I was able to handle my sadness later on. Take care. x

Original poster

JenumGeranium · 10/04/2007 18:50

Thank you

I am having a boy and we are going to name him after my dad. He was called Reg, so we are going to call the baby Reggie!

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linjasmom · 10/04/2007 23:03

Hi Jen,
just wanted to say I am very sorry. I lost my beloved Ma when 18 weeks pg with first (and so far only) dd. I know exactly what you mean, I felt the same. I can just say, take your time and do it when you feel like it, I needed some time "off", even though my Ma would have been the least person in the world to have expected something like that from me. It just didn't feel right for a time, but then it was oK. Sorry if this sounds confused, don't know how to put it. Thinking of you and sending you a hug. By the way, dd got her middle name (Dorothee - and she really is a gift from God!) from my Ma! Take care now, XX.

Wilbur · 10/04/2007 23:07

I love the name Reggie for a boy, Jenum, how cool. My dd has my mother's name as a middle name and ds2 has my dad's middle name which is also a family name as a middle name. It's a lovely way to remember. I will look out for Baby Reg in the MN birth announcements.

Original poster

JenumGeranium · 11/04/2007 14:57

Awww thanks guys!

I guess I just have to be patient and take it one day at a time!

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frumpygrumpy · 11/04/2007 15:10

Sorry to hear your dad has died. Love your choice of name for the baby

I'm guessing, but I would say that the connection is that you feel guilty having fun when you know you are ultimately sad. But your dad would not wish you to withhold any pleasure from your life because you miss him. It would be like saying "I'm never going to smile again because he's gone". You must smile, you must be happy, your dad won't be forgotten or dishonoured amongst all that.

In times of stress and strain, sex can be a most fabulous thing. I remember ages ago reading an article about a married couple who had been taken hostage abroad and the woman got pregnant. I can't remember the detail but it was along the lines of they said they had nothing else to do all day and it had helped to pass the time and keep them close in an otherwise strained situation.

When DP and me brought home our twins, in winter, moved house 2 weeks before Christmas, and our other dd was ill and we were surviving on no sleep and had stress by the bucket load, we actually had heaps and heaps of sex. It was a comfort to feel that we were still ok even if the odds were stacked against us at that time.

Its not wrong. I HTH.

Original poster

JenumGeranium · 11/04/2007 15:19

I think you have hit the nail on the head there Frumpygrumpy!

I don't feel like I should be having fun while being sad that my dad has died. Its a very weird feeling.

I know my dad wouldn't want me to stop doing what I would normally do - he always used to say - 'life goes on!'

Well who knows, normal service may be resumed very soon!

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frumpygrumpy · 11/04/2007 15:52

I should hope so too . Your DH sounds lovely so if you need to change your mind until another day he'll be understanding. Right, away and hack the hard skin off your heels

Original poster

JenumGeranium · 11/04/2007 18:40

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