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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Funeral on Tuesday... Confused and Still bleeding

20 replies

Canadianmom · 16/07/2004 09:25

I can hardly believe that it has been three weeks since I 'lost' the babies. I am still feeling physically weak (low Hb); still bleeding (not heavily but steadily); continually running around after our 3 little people (standard for most mners); but I feel as though I have had no time to grieve since leaving the hospital.
This is our third miscarriage but the first one that was a 'huge shock'--I really thought that I would be holding a baby (or two) in December...
I have lost a good (?!?!) friend in the process because she doesn't know what to say to me. (She is 6 months pregnant with an unplanned third and although she asked my husband for all of the 'gory details' a few weeks ago she has chosen to avoid me for fear of saying the wrong thing. (we live in the same building and until 3 weeks ago met up at least 4 times a week for play dates and tea etc...) I am almost as upset by this loss as the miscarriage itself.
Anyone else btdt and have some helpful advice?

OP posts:

boudicca · 16/07/2004 09:34

try and find people to talk with,either RL or on here,you need to grieve and talking helps so much.I talked for days when I lost my baby at 20 weeks,a long time ago now,but in some ways just like yesterday.Maybe you could write a note to your friend and tell her how much you miss her,and that knowing of her sympathy for you helps.Nothing anyone can say will make the loss any easier for you,or your Dh,but it's true that time does help to lessen the grief.My very best wishes to you and your family,love and hugs B XXX

Chandra · 16/07/2004 09:43

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad CM, lots of hugs to you and your family.

Chandra

PS. Would it be possible to talk to your friend about how do you feel and tell her that you miss her frindship? I'm sure she is missing you too.

Janstar · 16/07/2004 09:44

I agree with boudicca, write your friend a note and tell her not to worry about what she says, but that you really need her.

so so sorry for your loss. I hope time helps you heal xxx

JanZ · 16/07/2004 10:02

{{ Hugs{}}}

I agree - write a note to your friend. I am sure she is missing you as much as you are her. She porbably doens't know WHAT to do - so an approach from you would help.

Is there NAY way you can arrange to get away for a day or to - either on your own or with your dh. Just to give you some time for YOU? Maybe go to a spa, if you can afford it and pamer yourself.

Or if that's too much, try to get to a beauty parlour and have amassge. You need to look after yourself - and cherishing yourself is important.

Original poster

Canadianmom · 16/07/2004 13:16

Boudicca, Sorry to hear that you have been through a similar experience though it does help to know that others have been down this path... I love the idea of writing a note to my friend but am reluctant as further rejection would be so hard to bear. I will give it some more consideration over the week-end.
Chandra, Janstar, Thanks for the support and encouraging words.
JanZ I am a SAHM so I spend all day, everyday on the couch eating bon-bons, DON'T I? I really do need to find time for myself. Thanks for the reminder. The spa would be a bit tricky on the current student budget but even an hour to wald around the block by myself at this stage would probable help to clear my head enough to start to heal my heart.
Don't know what I would do without mumsnet to keep me (semi-)sane through this ordeal.

OP posts:

Chandra · 16/07/2004 13:23

What about lighting a candle once that your other children are off to sleep and tell your babies that you love them a lot and are happy to have had the oprtunity of having them around for this time as, even if their lives were short, they have made you very happy?

Just a thought, sorry..

Original poster

Canadianmom · 16/07/2004 15:31

Chandra, What a beautiful idea. Made me cry... I will do that. Thank you.

OP posts:

bunny2 · 16/07/2004 16:59

Cm, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. BXXX

I sometimes light a candle for each of the 2 babies I have lost, it helps me focus on them for a few minutes.

hana · 16/07/2004 19:34

Canadianmom, I've been wondering how you've been. Where is the time to grieve? I hope you find some time for yourself - don't let your time get pushed into a corner -
I've had a similar experience - a friend and I were expecting our 2nd within a few weeks of each other. She was having twins.....I lost my baby at 13 weeks. The friendship really did falter after that - through no fault of my friend.....I just found it incredibly difficult to be around her, it was a constant reminder of my loss. I had a 2nd m/c shortly before her twins were born and that brought me down even lower. I saw the twins briefly after then were born and then it was about 2 months before I could see them again. My friend was wonderful - still called me, had my dd over to play, etc etc. I guess I don't really have any advice, but you've got to do what feels right and comfortable. Things seem back to normal ( it's been just over a year) and I am godmother to her two beautiful twins. I guess it's the opposite of your situation with your friend feeling awkward....I would write and spill your thoughts out to your friend. I have a few notes that my friend sent over during that time and I still get them out every now and then.....
It is a tough time, you know that. No one really knows what to say or how to say it so they stay away and avoid things. It was a pretty rocky road getting back on track with her, but I really did need that long to sort things out for myself.
I hope you can both work it all out very soon.
hana
xx

boudicca · 18/07/2004 10:28

How are you CM?
I've been thinking of you so much lately and hoping things are bearable for you all.
Waiting for the funeral is a kind of limbo I remember,but I found that my grieving started to be more bearable afterwards,not so distraught and angry but sadder somehow.Love B XXX

Original poster

Canadianmom · 19/07/2004 09:32

Thanks Boudicca, I am looking for a bit of closure following the funeral but for some strange reason my pregnancy and the miscarriage have been such a bureaucratic nightmare that I feel as though we have not even started to grieve. Maybe it is a good thing that we have had to wait three weeks to arrange the service because although it will be emotionally draining, I feel that we need to concentrate on the loss now rather than the experience. (I have tried to re-word this 3 times and it is not coming out properly so I am going to post it knowing that it is unclear... Sums up how I am feeling anyhow .

OP posts:

boudicca · 19/07/2004 10:51

Hello CM,it must be so hard for you to have to wait so long for your babies funeral.
I guess I was very fortunate that the entire awful process was over in ten days from beginning to end.I do remember it as feeling like I was in a kind of limbo.
Love to you all,B xxx

boudicca · 21/07/2004 20:09

thinking of you,canadianmom,love B XXX

Original poster

Canadianmom · 21/07/2004 20:20

Thanks Boudicca.
The service was really beautiful.
More in a few days when I can think straight...

OP posts:

hana · 21/07/2004 20:35

hope you're looking after yourself as well as your kids and dh. Tough day to get through I bet
x

Hulababy · 21/07/2004 20:35

(((hugs))) Thinking of you.

bunny2 · 21/07/2004 21:06

I am glad the service was beautiful.

Let yourself grieve as much as you need to now.

Love BXXX

Original poster

Canadianmom · 22/07/2004 23:22

Thanks. It was a hard day but I seem to feel worse today...

OP posts:

Chandra · 22/07/2004 23:41

Many hugs CanadianMum

Thinking of you.

boudicca · 23/07/2004 10:48

Love to you,B XXX

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