I had a termination 2 weeks ago & feel such sadness and guilt. How can I ever get over this?

[becaroo]

I am sorry if by posting this here I have offended anyone...I didnt know where else to post or get help.
I have a chronic health condition which can make life pretty difficult at times but we wanted another baby (my dh and I have a 3.5 year old ds) and I became pregnant in feb and was over the moon. I was grinning non-stop for 2 days! I started thinking of names, looking at prams etc...all the silly things you do.
Then my illness asserted itself and I became very ill very quickly. I was to all intents and purposes bedridden. It was an awful time...my dh was working full time, looking after a sick wife and trying to take care of a demanding toddler. My son was getting very distressed too and I would hear him downstaris crying for me but I wasnt strong enough to get down the stairs. After a while of this we decided I should have a termination. This happened in my first pregnancy too 6 years ago and, like then, it seemed the sensible thing to do. I refused sedation for the proceedure as I felt I should feel the pain. There was a nice nurse who held my hand. At first I felt relieved that I was feeling better and able to function again. But 2 weeks on and I am so very sad and feel so guilty I do not think I will ever get over it. The baby was so very wanted and I feel like such a failure. All I want is to be a good wife and mother and I cant because my stupid body lets me down. I havent even cried yet.....I suppose I dont feel like I have the right to grieve. I am not sleeping and am being horrid to my poor dh who must think he is married to a madwoman. Please tell me what to do.

I can't add anything to the great advice that's here already, but just wanted to add my support and sympathy, and say that you have every right of course to grieve for what's happened. Please try to be kind to yourself. If a friend was in this situation you would offer kindness and empathy, not judgement and blame - try to see yourself as worthy of those things too.

Sorry, I missed the boat there didn't I

Wedges ming.

Message withdrawn

becaroo you poor love.

I really feel for you. What a horrible situation - no wonder you feel so sad. Not to be able to have the second child you long for is just really sad and something you should grieve for as long as you want. You are probably also grieving for your own frailty (the illness you mention). I have never had to cope with ill health but it must be so destabilising to be young and have dreams you cannot fulfil because of something like that.

I have had a termination too - also of a very much wanted child - for genetic abnormalities. But I so much agree with Caitlin Moran's article. I didn't feel any guilt. I didn't even "make a decision". I just knew, immediately, what I wanted to do. This may not help you as your circumstances are different but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

You are right to grieve and to feel whatever you need to feel. But I think you also feel you have done the right thing for your family - you obviously care about them very much. You should feel proud of what you are prepared to go through for all of your sakes.

and agree on the shoes.

Thank you all so much....I can only really talk about what happened here on mumsnet, as my dh doesnt really know what to say to me. My mum is a devout catholic and PIL are devout methodists, so I cant go to them for help or advice...
When I posted my original thread I felt so very alone - until I read all your lovely posts. I know now that I am not alone and I cannot tell you how much that helps

I am also going shoe shopping today icod

Oh you poor love - your post was so sad it nearly made me cry. Please don't feel so bad about yourself - this decision wasn't made lightly and you have every right to grieve or feel whatever you are feeling. Can't add anything else to what everyone else has said other than I hope you feel better soon.
Oh and shoes seem as good a place to start as any.

Thanks ellie....bad day today - e-mail from mothercare about baby stuff. Silly the things that upset you isnt it?

Not silly at all. A friend of mine went through something similar and she says the mere sight of baby-related things was enough to reduce her to a little quivering mess for a good while. So don't expect too much and don't be too hard on yourself. xxxx