Long time ex, suicide

[allisbright]

I am very happily married with children and haven't seen my ex for almost a decade, though we had occasional contact online. He was also married with young children.

I recently discovered that he had passed away at the beginning of the year. He committed suicide.

This news has shaken me.

We had an intense and emotionally painful off and on again romance over several years. It was completely dysfunctional. I was technically the other woman while he had a string of other relationships, though he would keep those from me too most of the time.

I'm not proud of the way things were - I was young, naive and thought I was helping him deal with his emotional chaos. He told me he loved me, that I was the only person who understood him, that he would marry me one day, etc. I would believe him only to be left broken hearted when I would discover he had started a new relationship with someone else. When I tried to move on, he would reappear declaring his love for me, only to leave me confused when I wouldn't hear from him again for months.

It took me a long time to wake up to this pattern and put myself first. I met my DH and though I still cared for my ex, the next time he contacted me with his usual spiel, I could see through it and didn't engage. He met his wife and settled down - we had both managed to move on.

For the last few years, our only contact has been on Facebook, congratulating on weddings, births, etc. He did contact me once after I got engaged reverting to his old patterns, but I closed him down. I could see he was suffering again with his mental health, told him he would always be special to me, but that I was happy and wished the same for him.

Fast forward several years and I feel very mixed up on learning about his death. I feel grief. Grief for the pain he suffered and the pain he has inflicted on his young family mostly, but also grief for me.

I loved him and though our relationship was in the past and I had no reason to believe I would see him again anyway since we lived in different parts of the country, I cannot get my head around the fact I will never see or hear from him again. I feel sad that I found out of his death so long after it occurred, since very few people would have known of our connection or thought to contact me.

My DH knows about my history and has been understanding of my shock and upset over this, but I don't feel I can be entirely honest with how much it is affecting me.

Does anyone else have experience of grieving for someone who they don't feel entirely justified for grieving for? I welcome any advice on how to process these complex emotions.

Sorry for the essay.

You're not alone. When I was 18, I was seeing a guy for a couple of months or so. I'm 44 now. A couple of weeks ago, I bumped into his brother on a train. Obviously I asked how ex was. Turns out he had died in a car accident about a year after we split. Ex has barely crossed my mind over the years but finding out that he has died has really thrown me. Can't get him out of my head. I think it's normal to feel like this.

Thank you Watto - that must have been shocking to hear.

I still thought about my ex quite frequently (not longingly or anything like that), so I feel a bit funny that over the past year or so, I have been thinking about him as being alive and well to later learn he has been dead for much of this time. It sounds crazy, but I assumed I would know if something had happened.

I lost all my cousins about five years ago, time flies. I didn't have much contact with them as they lived in another country, but one day I found one cousin on FB but before I could decide to get in touch, I learned that he had passed away. Then later that year the other cousin committed suicide, he was in his early 60's. I don't remember how I found out, but it could have been by googling and the obituaries coming up online.
Another one is someone with whom I exchanged a few messages online, like a pen pal, and then he disappeared and I didn't know why. Later I learned, also through Dr. Google, that he passed away as the name rolled out over a FB RIP-website dedicated to members of a certain work group in the UK, he also in his sixties exactly like my cousin, probably in suicide too but in reality I have no idea actually. It happened last fall I believe. As it was a casual internet connection one would think it's nothing but I still find it sad.

I had a relatioship with a man 16 years older than me wgen i was 19. The whole debacle sounds very similar to your situation. Multiple affairs, pursuits of other women, not entirely consensual sexual activities(for me). In fact i have often expected my ex's suicide over the last 10 years. All casual communication on fb after splitting up was absolutely ott and loaded with the expectation i was there for an ego boost and to fawn. But i look back with no rose tinted glasses. I feel i was effectively groomed and if i was told he had committed suicide i would absolutely know he would want me to feel guilt and responsibility. Please take a minute to look back on your "relationship" with a more critical eye. If your daughter/sister came to you with this scenario, what would you say?

I didn't get a notification of more posts so sorry to be late replying. Vichill there are certainly similarities I recognise between our relationships, most notably him relying on me to boost his ego and there were some sexual encounters that I wasn't entirely comfortable with.

I was fortunate to appreciate how unhealthy it was prior to his death so there is no longing in that regard. I can see that some of his behaviour was driven from deep insecurities and problems with his mental health. Thank you for sharing your experience.

I lived with a guy when I was 18, he was my soul mate. Things were turbulent and I decided a few years later that enough was enough and put myself first. No contact and I went on to get married. About 2 years ago we got back in touch, I was divorced by this time. I truly believed we would end up together eventually but was in no hurry. About 6 months later he killed himself. His mum lent on me so heavily at that time it was crippling. I still dream about him.

My stepdad died recently however I considered him my dad from the age of 3 until we had an argument when I was 17 and he declared he did not in fact consider me a daughter. I didn't see him again after that, though my sibling did.

It's been over 10 years and yet when I found out he had died (not suicide but tragically, suddenly and inexplicably, inquest ongoing) I felt so sad, particularly that he would never meet my children. I had no intention of him ever meeting them but it was somehow different when that option was truly gone.

It was hard to express the grief as people saw him basically as my siblings father who I once knew. In fact he was much more than that.

Sorry I've gone on, but basically I get it. It's partly grief for what could have been I think, and sadness that someone with potential had a hard life and hard end.