DOES IT GET BETTER

[calgeo]

My little girl Hannah died on Xmas day 2006 at 39wks and my question is does it get better?...... does it get easier??.... at the moment we are TTC again and whilst part of me feels so guilty that we are trying to replace her, the other part of me NEEDS to do exactly that........

Calgeo,

I can't even begin to imagine what you have gone thru - but in terms of bereavement - it changes. It doesn't get better, or easier, just that the sad times become fewer. Whenever u remember Hannah, you will always be sad, but TTC isn't replacing her - it is continuing life.

If you have another babe, you will always tell them I presume about their special sister (oh hek, thats me off for the day ) and a new babe will not be a replacement.

I'm not talking from experience, but from a bereavement perspective.

I wish you the best of luck, and lots of hugs

Calgeo, have you talked to anyone on the SANDS Helpline about how you are feeling? Everyone there has experience of stillbirth or neonatal death and they were so helpful to me when I had a premature stillbirth some years ago. There is no right or wrong time to start TTCing again, but I have to say that in my experience most women seem to want to get pregnant again asap, I certainly did.
All I would say is that if you get your heart's desire too quickly, you might find that your new EDD and the anniversary of Hannah's death are uncomfortably close together. My dd was born within three weeks of the anniversary of losing her brother Tom and initially it was hard (she is nearly four now).
I also found the pregnancy very worrying as I was so convinced we'd lose her too . The good support I got from a counsellor and from a specialist midwife really helped and I hope that the hospital where Hannah was born are providing you with the supportive aftercare you deserve.

my MiL lost a son at 6m pg on her birthday and shes maintained that while you will always mourn your angel it will ease. agree with marina about ttc and prospective edd tho. wish there was something i could say or do but you are all in my thoughts x

Whilst I have never been in your situation one of my closest friends had a very similar experience. She got pregnant at about this time last year (first baby was a still birth near Xmas) and she had her 2nd baby almost exactly a year n from the stillbirth. She is overjoyed with her baby but did feel the sadness of what could have been. I just wanted to give you a positive story of someone who had experienced the same as you, even though it wasn't me. Hth

Thankyou for the quick replies guys. I have been on the SANDS website marina and i have to be honest and say i didn't find the forum much help........ if anything it was the opposite as there are so many scary stories of what happened to us happening again iykwim?....... i have a 6yr old and 3 yr old too and am scared of putting them through it all again as they were so excited at the prospect of Hannah coming too and instead got disappointment and a very upset mummy and daddy and my DD is still confused at times now. Thanks for taking the time to reply though x

Hi Calgeo, I know what you mean about SANDS I go on there sometimes when I really need to vent, but sometimes find it very difficult when I see new mums and dads and all the stories. I had a prem baby and he died after 6hrs. He was our first baby and now I'm petrified from all the other stories I have read... it is mind blowing and so sad. Sometimes it is so helpful to speak to other people that can really relate to my situation, but other times it is too upsetting.
It took us 18months to conceive, so decided to pretty much start straight away to conceive again. I felt such a need to get pregnant again. Unfortunately I have still not caught, but still trying! I think TTC is such a personal choice, some people don't try for ages and some try to conceive straight away. There is no right or wrong..

I think in terms of does it get easier, I am not sure, it is still very early days for us both. I really feel like the hurt will never go away and my longing for my child, but I have and will come to terms with it more and adapt to my circumstances. I think that is why people says time heals... I can't ever see myself healing, but I think my mind will have to adapt to the fact he is not here with us.

I have replied to your other post on TTC...

Much love to you and your family X

I am so sorry to hear about Hannah, Calgeo. I lost my little girl Maude in January this year. She was two years old and just died in her sleep.

To be honest, I don't know if it gets easier, but I do think that every time I fall back into total despair and misery, when I climb out of it I feel a little better than I did before the sadness struck again.

I had a wonderful email from a mumsnetter who told me of how her parents had lost her sibling and who spent the rest of her own childhood in mourning. That email really struck home for me and I was - am - determined that my other children will not have the same experience; that I will value their childhoods as much as I value and miss Maude. It it almost impossible to do this, but even trying to do this helps. I think I read that you also have other children. I cannot imagine how it must be to lose an only child.

Something else that has helped is trying to get back to normal life, however unreal or meaningless it all seems. I now wear make up again and dh and I go out, for meals, to the cinema, with friends, like we used to do before. It is not always a good idea, but the acting cheerful, the trying and the effort has to be better than the absolute sadness.

I also understand the empty arms. I think you should do whatever is right for you as a couple and as a family and take it from there.....

Contact me - CAT me - if you wish.

This isn't really an answer, but there was an article in the Times recently about how you never get over the loss of a child. I think that is absolutely right and applies equally to unborn children. I think being pg again is certainly giving me something positive to focus on, but my m/c will always be an integral part of me and my emotional history. I think you probably just reach a stage of sad acceptance in the end which is not as raw as the initial grief. So, does it get better? No, but less painful, hopefully yes.

Oh - one other thing. Knocking around somewhere is a thread called something like "Success after m/c" if you want to read about some happy endings...

Calgeo, I agree that the SANDS forums are not always helpful, like so many discussion sites with one main theme . But you can phone their head office, or mail if you don't feel up to talking, and ask to speak to someone on the Helpline. That's a different sort of support IME. They have all been trained to help
I totally sympathise with the prospect of putting an older child through the whole thing again. Our ds1 was just over three when it happened to us and was thoroughly traumatised for a time
He was also very upset when he realised I was pregnant again
But by the time the baby was born he was fine and they love each other very dearly.

Thanks everyone....... its nice to feel i am not alone feeling the way i do. I completely agree with you Maudes mummy......... we are slighly fortunate that Hannah died on Xmas Day as it does force us to continue living to an extent, it is still the most exciting day of the year for Callan and Georgia and we need to keep it that way......... it was for those reasons that we had Hannah cremated.......we did not want them to open their presents then have to go and visit the graveyard....... instead we have Hannah at home where she belongs. I am still having very very bad days but i am as you say wearing make up etc and doing fun things with the kids as i never want them to think that when Hannah died their childhood ended too iykwim?? We have decided that TTC now is right for us...... well after May as i don't want to even think about having another Xmas baby....... and i know that its going to be the worst 9 mths of my life. I think i am probably lucky in that my consultant is fantastic and the hospital Hannah was born in is equally as good which will hopefully ease the process a little. Anyway thanks again guys x

I'm so sorry for your loss Calegeo
My daughter Freya died 2 years ago aged 19 months from meningitis.
After 2 years i can't say things get any better as such but i know i can cope with the world better than i could in the early days. I feel i can enjoy myself again and i can look forward to things with my other two children but always with a constant pain in my heart that Freya isn't here.
We had Freya buried and i don't think it harms my other children in any way having to visit her grave on christmas day or any other day. It's the only place i feel i can still care for her, by buying her gifts and pretty flowers. I know that her grave is not where she is and that she with us in spirit wherever we are.That's how i feel comfort and that's how different everyone is when coping with the death of a child.

www.childbereavement.org.uk is another place place you might find help.
Hope things get easier for you Calgeo.x

Hello Calgeo,
I am so very sad to hear about your darling Hannah, Christmas Day, how very very cruel. I lost a child 13 yrs ago, he was at that time my only child, he was 14. After two years of utter despair we attempted ivf, and after a long struggle I gave birth to triplets, 2 boys and a girl, I was almost 46. They are not a replacement for Matthew, but, my life was empty, I had so much love inside me, such a need to hold a child in my arms, to hear someone call me Mum again. A reason to go on. My life now is so changed, but not complete, as he is not here. People often say,"are you happy now"? The answer is, I am happier, but there is always that edge of sadness, missing, longing, longing to hear that key go in the door each door just after 4pm and hear, "hi Mum, its only me". I do not understand why these things happen, but I have at last stopped asking "why" and just go on. Lots of love, xxx

To answer your title question. Yes - each year it gets a little easier. However, the love and heart ache never really leaves it just becomes less painful.
xxx

Oh Calgeo I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Hannah

It does get better in terms of not every day is a "bad" day and you become able to function better. No need to tell you it will always affect you and you will mourn her loss in some way forever. It is still so soon for you. I have a very good friend whose baby was stillborn on xmas day 2001- just a week before my ds1 was. She kind of likes that his birthday is on xmas day, makes it feel special for her.

I have since had another ds and a dd. I conceived ds2 straight away and he was born exactly 42 weeks after his big brother. With hindsight that made for an incredibly stressful second pregnancy, though it would have been whenever it happened I think. But I had such a massive need to be a mum to one of my babies.

Good luck, please CAT me if you need to talk, I identified so much with the things you wrote, and it reminded me of my own thoughts 5 years ago.

Take care xxx

Calgeo

I lost a son at 2 weeks 8 years ago.

No two situations are comparable.

For me things have ot better over time.

This was very slow and I did not notice.

The pain I felt at his los has not gone - it has turned into love for my litle lost boy.