My Dad.

[Hotpinkangel19]

My dad passed away 2 weeks ago, just 11 weeks after my mum died. I sat and watched my mum die, my dad was very ill very quickly - diagnosis to death 4 weeks. In his last few days I dreaded visiting, it broke my heart seeing how he had physically changed, from a big chunky man to a frail, thin curled up one. I couldn't be there when he died, I couldn't watch him go. My DH did instead. I sat downstairs in his nursing home just watching his bedroom door crying. I still don't know if I did the right thing, my thoughts on it change every day.

My heart goes out to you. There really are no words

Be gentle with yourself. Both your parents knew you loved them

You poor poor thing. So much loss in such a short space of time. Just sending you warm thoughts and wishes for the forthcoming weeks. As previous poster said, be gentle with yourself. I hope you have brothers, sisters, good friends around you x

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dad and your Mom too. Gosh that is so much for one person to bear. I lost my Dad many years ago and I am still emotional about it so please let yourself feel sad and fragile. Don't feel like you did the wrong thing being outside the door. You were right there. You need to keep yourself wrapped in cotton wool and be kind to yourself.

This is tragically so common - my grandparents were the same. Sad as it is, hold on to the thought that their love was still so great - not something that seems to last as long these days.

Hugs

I"m so sorry

I'm an only child, but I have my DH who is being amazing. I'm also 23 weeks pregnant so hormones are making everything worse

I am so sorry. Please, as PP say, be kind to yourself. You did what you needed to do at the time. No one can do more than that.

I'm so sorry

For what it's worth, I believe you did the right thing. You have had so much to bear, and it was right that you let your DH help you when it became too much.

Please be kind to yourself x

No rights or wrongs or judgements in a situation like this. You have done nothing wrong, it's impossible.

If your parents could talk to you now, what would they say? Surely they would tell thier pregnant, hurting daughter to be as kind to herself as they would be.

I imagine my daughter in your shoes and I would want her to know I love her forever and know she loved me.

I am so sorry for your loss, it is enormous and unfair, and I hope you find peace within it.

Thank you so much xx

I wasn't there when my dad passed op, and it tortured me until I read a book written by a woman who had worked in palliative care. She said sometimes it is easier for a person to pass without close loved ones in the room, especially if they are the parent as they are still trying to be there the their kids even when very ill. You are pregnant and had just watched mum die. It was too much to be with dad when he died and that is ok. He may have been able to pass easier and he had your dh there. If there is life after death I am sure he sees your pain and wants you to be at peace. Look after yourself, your dh sounds amazing

Thank you @Huldas.

I am sorry for your loss HotPinkAngel. My Dad died earlier this year in similar circumstances - it was very quick from diagnosis to death. I would echo what Huldas said about people deciding when to go. I wasn't there when he died but I had been there at the hospital with my brothers, my mum and his second wife the day before. He had seen his young grandson earlier in the week before he deteriorated. At the end of the day we all went home apart from his wife, planning to come back the next day. I feel like he knew we had all had the chance to say goodbye, so it was OK to drift away in his sleep. It is hard not to have regrets but you did the right thing for yourself at the time and you were with him in the last weeks and days of his life. Look after yourself.

My heart goes out to you, OP. You've lost so much at once. I'm so glad you have what sounds like a very supportive and kind DP and a baby on the way.

I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, but your parents will be with you forever, in the form of your happy memories and your little one, who will remind you every day.

Please don't be guilty for not being at his side. Im sure your dad knew that if you could have borne it, you would have done. He died peacefully with your DP there in your place - I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted to see you be so upset.

I'm 7 months on from losing my dad. It hasn't been easy, but I can think of him with a smile more often than a tear. I wish the same for you.

(Unmumsnetty hugs)

hot

I'm so sorry for your loss

To lose both your mum & dad in such a short space of time must be unbearable. You may feel as though you are unable to move forward now, but you will. One moment after another, one breath at a time, one step forward and then another.

I am an only too, my dad earlier in the year. I could not get to the hospital in time and I am conflicted about that too. We just buried his ashes on Saturday which gave a sense of closure. My DP and DD were my support too. Be kind with yourself and accept all the support and love that you can.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

for you, Hotpink

So sorry for your losses.

Would you like to say something about your mum and dad?

They were married for 42 years, We are a small family, just me, mum and dad. I couldn't have asked for more loving parents. 4 years ago mum had a large stroke and was left severely disabled, Dad became her full time carer and was amazing, thought it was so difficult. I am so so proud of him.
2 weeks after the funeral dad became really thin and tired. The GP diagnosed dehydration and shock from losing mum, plus a chest infection. After a week in hospital Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor said it had been there for years and dad had never known. 😢 I found him the best nursing home I could near my home and he passed away there, 4 weeks after diagnosis. I love them both so much, I can't believe they've gone.

They sound lovely, Hotpink and so fortunate to have had so long together. The tough times have shown the love, too. You must be so proud to have had such wonderful parents.

I must confess to a partial identification here as my family was me, DH and DD. Now me and DD. I envy your parents' 42 years.

To lose both parents so close is so hard to bear, I can scarcely imagine it. Time is supposed to heal. Their love for each and you will be a comfort.

All the best.

Hotpink I'm so sorry that you've lost two people you clearly loved dearly, in such a short space of time. Please be kind to yourself - I'm not sure I could face watching one of my parents die, to be honest. You knew that he was with someone close when he went.

I'm so sorry.

I'm also an only child and one does indeed feel disconnected when all of the family members are gone (as few as they are). I'm just listening to a radio program where a woman is calling in to a psychologist about being alone, having lost both parents and being the only child, and she describes it as hanging and dangling in the outer end of a thin tree branch, quite a lonely experience. I couldn't face it when my dad passed away, for partly other reasons, and it is a difficult decision, but you did the best you could and have to accept and rest in that knowledge.

What Hulda wrote here above is important, read it again.

I'm so very, very sorry. Such loss so close together.

We each have our own ways of seeing our loved ones leave us. You did what you could - your Dad would know. You were enough, say this to yourself often.

Xxxxxx