prob a bit strange (long, sorry)

[Incodnito]

When I was age 19 i had a casual relationship with a lad a few years older, would just see each other the odd weekend, might not catch up with each other for a few months, then have another night together, this went on for a couple of years. He didnt always treat me great.
Had other relationships etc in between.
He moved away in 2000 and i heard he had settled down with a partner.
I moved to another country in 2001, we didnt keep in touch, I heard through an aquaintance that he had committed suicide in Nov 2002.

I was pretty devestated at the time, I have a partner and a child yet still think of this person neary every day.

I know we were not ever going to be together, but i always think, what if i had still kept in touch.
I was always kind of a good influence on him, he was quite wild etc and i encouraged him to go to college etc.
I have no photos or anything to remember him by which i find quite hard.

I dont know why I am posting this really and hope it is in the right place.

Is this normal, i have dreams about him regularly and think about him nearly every day. Nearly 5 years later i am thinking about him more often than ever.

Thanks for any advice

He must have been quite young.

Suicide is always a shock for those left behind.

Feeling guilty is a natural first step in mourning/bereavement, but honestly it doesn't sound like you've done anything to be ashamed of or to regret. You probably made him happy at the time.

Your first step of mourning is taking rather a long time. I don't suppose you heard about his death till later, nor had an opportunity to go to the funeral or talk to his family, so it's all taking much longer.

I suppose if it were me, I'd want to find out more about his life and why he killed himself. But I'm just nosy. Perhaps I would want to offer support/help to his (quasi) widow