Can you help me handle this please?

[mrsnec]

I have been NC with my Db for a long time. We never got on.

His wife has terminal cancer and is decling fast. The circumstances are desperately sad it's heartbreaking. Our aunt died of cancer a couple of weeks ago too and we also lost our df to it a couple of years ago.

So there's been a lot of pressure on me to reconcile with db. I've tried and it's been rejected. We don't live in the same country but I have booked a trip over soon and I've invited him to loads of things I've planned at my dm's request.

I didn't get on with db's wife either and don't have any happy memories of her if I'm honest. I have anxiety too and know I will be expected at the funeral but I just feel it will be akward.But she's still with us.I shouldn't be worrying about it.

I care deeply for db but he has a massive support network and I know he'll be ok but I feel like he doesn't want or need my support and I wish I hadn't got involved. If she hadn't been ill I probably would have stayed NC instead of trying to reach out. I feel selfish for feeling rejected and let down again when he's obviously having such a hard time but I can't get the whole situation out of my head. It's on my mind constantly at the moment and I need it not to be.

What would you dp.

I imagine that your DBro will be going through a hellish time with his DW suffering so much. I would just be there for him, and let him know that. Maybe it's time to let bygones be bygones....? It should be all about him and his DW, and not you.
People can act, and react in different ways in these kinds of situations. It's incredibly stressful. Be gentle on yourself, and your DBro, too.

Thanks, that pretty much what my dm is telling me and my friend too.

I don't have much support from DH who says he can't understand why I'm grieving for someone I wasn't close to but I think it's because we've had too much of it in the family.

I agree about letting things go and have been told that her behavior in the past could have been early symptoms of her illness but I'm scared that things between me and db wont change.

Well things between you may not change for a bit, but grief and loss are funny things. He may find your presence more of a comfort than you think.

I hope you're right. He didn't reply to texts at first because he deleted our numbers and then he told dm he'd got my emails but chose to ignore them. That hurts a bit when I know he's found time for everyone else. A friend who's known him for ages is telling me to keep trying but I'm inclined to just leave him to it for now. I don't know what to do for the best though.

I think possibly message him. Say something along the lines of you are thinking of him and his dw but dont want to make his life more difficult by pushing a reconciliation. You are there for him should he want anything.

Lets face it, you are damned if you do and damned if you dont. Push it any further snf you could be accused of making it all abour you. I think you need to put dmum back in her box too. You have tried, she needs to accept it for what it is

That's an idea. I will leave it for a bit as it's our aunt's funeral today. Neither of us are going but will both be feeling a bit sombre.

And that's totally the problem that I feel I can't win. I even ran the emails past DM first because I was worried I might cause offence if I said the wrong thing. Turbs out I probably did.

I've been trying to get DM in her box for years over my relationship with db. Long before dsil's diagnosis even.

I honestly think you have done what you can and prob been pushed further than you are comfortable with by others. Leave it alone now and listen to yourself about what is important.

Yes I certainly do feel pushed. By DM and my friend to an extent.

I have two very young dc. DM feels like db is missing out because he doesn't know them but db and sil were told not to have children.I know what that feels like so I tried not to push things but the truth is it doesn't matter to me if he's in their lives or not.

Trouble is I find it hard to listen to myself and spend my life trying to please other people

Me too! I had to learn. I am not close to my dbro. We have very different lives and live 1000s of miles apart. He moved. I am happy that he has the life he has chosen and am happy with my life. But we have nothing in common at all. My mum finds that hard but i have reconciled it all quite happily in my mind. It doesnt stop her suggesting that we fly 11000 miles for a holiday with him (flights for my family would be a house deposit).
I have done the broken record with her.

It's the same here but flights not as expensive!

There were loads of issues but I can't get past him denying we were related when teachers asked at school and blanking me constantly because he was ashamed of me.

He was over here on holiday a few years ago. Dm forced a meeting. Sil refused.I had panic attacks over it and I was pg at the time.

But I'm on holiday where he lives next month. We haven't been to the UK in years and DH's family just happen to live in the area. My children have never met their cousins so I booked a birthday party for dd. The venue being 5 mins away from db so it felt rude being so close and not inviting them. Db and sil are godparents to our dsb's daughter. Dsb's partner had told dm that she wishes db and sil were more involved so that was another reason but now I'm thinking its probably a bit much and I know I only invited them to please dm.