Gift ideas for bereaved family members

[Stormwhale]

Hi, I have had a bereavement in my family. I would like to send something to the parents of the person who has passed away. The person has died very suddenly and the parents are of course completely devastated. I would like to send them something as they live far away from me and at this point are unable to receive visitors due to their grief.

I don't think I want to send flowers, and I'm not sure about food gifts as they may well not be able to eat. I have seen memorial plaques, frames etc, but they don't seem quite right either as I think in their shoes I would like to do those myself.

I was thinking more of comforting items that I could put together and send to show them I care and that I am loving and supporting them from afar without it being too over the top or in your face.

My ideas so far are:

A warming cuddly animal.
A soft blanket to snuggle up under.
Perhaps a small chocolate item or similar, but not really any other food.

And then I have run out of ideas. These people mean a lot to me and I just want to get this right at this horrific time. Thanks in advance for any ideas.

It would help to know the age of the person who has died.

Chocolate doesn't seem appropriate. I'm assuming because of the animal suggestion the person is a child?

How about dedicating a tree somewhere near them? Is that possible? Perhaps somewhere they could go to think about the person?

Perhaps a painting or a framed print?

Write them a letter. Tell them you care about them and share your memories of their child.
Try and make arrangements to visit at some point and do something practical for them.
Ask if you can do anything to help with funeral arrangements.

You are welcome to read my thread in "Bereavement" where I talk about the things and people that helped, as well as those who made everything much worse.

I'm so sorry to hear your bad news.

How about a photo blanket with lots of happy family pictures? That way they can snuggle up surrounded by photos of their precious child.

Just this week a close friend of us has been diagnosed with incurable cancer far too many years before he should have. I've ordered one of these blankets and am going to get photos him and his wife and kids to go on it. I'm then going to put it in a basket along with some nice edible bits. However I'm giving it to them for Christmas (please God) as he's still here.

On groupon at the moment there is a voucher for a personalised blanket from Groupon. I've used dinkleboo before and they were by far the best quality photo blankets I've seen. Personally I would order the biggest size so they can snuggle up together, it's currently £34.99 instead of £119.

I don't think I'd want a present if the person who'd died was someone who hadn't reached old age. I'd rather have a card with a sincere message in it, I think.

Yes they hadn't reached old age. Nowhere near. I am keeping it vague as I would not want my family members thinking I am being insensitive by broadcasting details.

Thank you for the ideas so far.

Thank you endof. I will have a look. Sorry to hear you have also been bereaved.

Echoing Mybrilliantdisguise.

I can't think of anything that could possibly comfort me if my child died except a letter detailing all your fond memories of that child.

The most comforting things that I received after a bereavement were letters/cards and photos from people detailing their memories of the person that had passed. I still treasure these now.

Sorry to hear about your loss. I've been widowed (distant past), and I wouldn't have wanted a present - I would have found it very upsetting if anyone had thought that giving me anything might help. Letters and cards, perhaps an invitation/offer to visit at a future time.

I am a bereaved parent.

I absolutely wouldn't want a cuddly animal. While I get your thinking, I think that would be a very inappropriate gift to give a bereaved parent.

I echo what others have said. A letter, no cliches or niceties though.

What is going to be equally as important is making sure you get in touch on the child's birthday and the anniversary and acknowledge the day forever more.

Everyone rallies around in the early weeks, people forget after time and it hurts like hell.

Yes. I agree.
It has been a year for me and while so many people have been wonderful, the ones who didn't remember/ have moved on make me feel very sad.
One individual in particular has given me the absolute rage. Never bothered to send a card at the time and hasn't been in touch at all.
I never liked him much but he was supposedly a very close friend of DH's. He clearly doesn't give a toss.

The other thing besides letters and cards that really helped me was regular, short text messages with no expectation of a response. Just a few words to say someone was thinking if me and ready to help if needed.
On the days when I couldn't speak, those short texts made me feel people cared.

I have my gorgeous woolly hug from mumsnet. I will treasure it for the rest of my life.
OP have a look on the Woolly Hugs section in bereavement.

Thank you very much for the advice. I won't send a gift then as I most definitely do not want to upset then further. I have been in touch regularly but I will write a proper letter.

Thank you for all the advice, I really appreciate it.

A letter, photo's that you might have of the deceased or flowers.

Posted too soon. I know you said no flowers, but they do bring some cheer in an empty house. We were very thankful for the many, many flowers we received when my mum died too young of cancer. I will never forget it.

Yes.
I loved the flowers.
Particularly the flowers from the lovely girl who brought a vase to put them in.
My surviving son went out to the local charity shop and bought 6 vases.
After the funeral was over, we donated them back again.
I found great comfort in being surrounded by beautiful flowers.
I still keep a vase of flowers next to DS's photograph.

I'd send a card. Maybe later arrange some sort of memorial (obviously in consultation). If the deceased was a child maybe a bench in their school with their name on it, or a music award (we have had both at school). My sister arranged a tree with a memorial for a friends son.

Sorry for everyone here who have lost someone, especially a child.

We lost my brother suddenly and unexpectedly at 34, my parents received memory cards from some of his friends and family which were handwritten notes about my brother and things that he had done or said. It was a great comfort to them to know what impact he had made on everyone, and we actually asked others to do the same and stuck them all in a book for his children to read when they are older

My dad died in March. My dads best friend also had his son die of the same illness 18 months before. Both our family and my dads friends family said the best gift was a few thoughtful words in a card - memories, a nice story about something their lives one had said etc. Another of my mum and dads friends took my mum to a garden centre (a few weeks after the funeral) to buy a particular mature plant my dad had liked. My mum has planted it outside the window and treasures every new leaf/flower etc.

Gifts themselves are tricky. My friend tragically both her little girls 3 months apart (4 yrs and 2.5 yrs). She threw a hissy fit every time a flower delivery came to the door. At one point she threw all the flowers in the garden and shouted "Fuck Off!". Understandable really. However my Aunt literally filled every inch of space in her house with flowers when my Uncle passed away.

In the first few days after my dad died we were grateful of nice biscuits or nibbles. No-one had the heart to think if cooking properly.

my son was stillborn. he died in utero.

when i told one of my closest friends she had someone make up a blanket for him and one exactly the same for me. I took great comfort from that.

A letter or card with a heartfelt message would have meant a lot too.

For me, people just talking about it really helped.

i hated flowers.

My DD died 8 months ago. We had loads of flowers - which were lovely but we started to run out of places to put them and I had to borrow vases off a friend as I ran out. We also had hundreds of cards and many letters - some from people whom we would not have expected to receive long hand written notes from - and although they brought tears when reading them, I have revisited them a number of times and they have brought me comfort.

Local friends brought wine and cooked meals and even a villager who turned up with Covent Garden soup and bread which was much appreciated (the sentiment, (as she wasn't a close friend) as well as the practical aspect of it)

I think the best thing, if you knew the deceased reasonably well, is to write a hand written letter outlining what the deceased meant to you, or times/memories you had shared - or memories of things you knew that they all did together if you didn't know the deceased personally.

After the funeral, everyone else seems to go back to normal and forget about your grief. I was however very touched last week when a relative to whom I had sent a birthday card and small gift, wrote to me and told me how much she had missed my DD's name on the card. So whilst you are thinking about what to do now, it might be good to make a note to do something in the months to come to show the bereaved that you are still thinking of them.

How about naming a star?

When dd was stillborn, my cousins sent me an expensive herbal tea selection. I appreciated the sentiment and understood it was difficult to send anything.

When a friend's dh died, I really wanted to send her copies of photoessays I had of us all in younger years. I didn't, but mainly because I live abroad and they were paper photos.