This can't go on

[Foreveryseason]

Where to start. I think today might be my "rock bottom".

I lost my darling mum just over a year ago (to cancer). She had a horrific battle over a short few months but right up until the end she remained determined and positive. Her last few weeks were utterly horrific. She was badly let down in many aspects of her hospital care.

Since her diagnosis I've been drinking too much. Around one to one and half bottles of wine a night. To try and blot out my fears. Well, they were realised. Now I'm drinking because I can't sleep at all. If I'm awake I am reliving everything of her last months. Everything that she went through. I'm wondering what I could have done better, should I have contacted a different surgeon earlier - I'm the "fixer" in my family. I couldn't fix it. I'm having panic attacks that she died and panic attacks that I'm going to die.

If I wake during the night I have to pick up my phone and I'm glued to MN as otherwise the thoughts overwhelm me. I'm finding it extremely hard to motivate myself to do anything during the day, or spend time with my beautiful, wonderful kids, who are also suffering the loss of their amazing grandmother.

To add to this I have a long term chronic condition which has flared badly (unsurprisingly) but I've got myself into such a state of anxiety (always been a worrier but not to this level) that I can't face dealing with it as I've convinced myself that actually my symptoms are cancer. And that I'm going to die just like my mum did.

Today my symptoms have got so horrific I've spent much of the day in bed/bathroom. I know this can't continue, I'm really logical person normally, I know what advice I'd be giving to someone else in this situation. I make no sense to myself but I don't seem to be able to shift myself.

I worked up the courage to try to explain to my gp about 6 months ago how I was feeling. I tried to articulate that I was falling apart. He told me I was "being a bit dramatic". It took me such an effort to tell him that that now I feel even more reluctant to try again. Things are spiraling now. My Dh is amazing but clearly just doesn't know how to fix things. I know I need medical help but I think I need some kind of help to deal with the anxiety /grief first before I can even face going there.

I don't know where to start but this can't go on.

OP i'm so so sorry you're going through this. your gp sounds like a complete a-hole. can you afford private counselling? if so, you can find one in your local area here: www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists

if not, have you tried cruse? they offer free sessions and also have a telephone helpline: www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services/get-help

i'm actually on the waitlist for counselling via my local hospice as they offer free sessions to local residents. maybe have a look online to see if any hospices around you do the same?

you don't have to suffer alone, OP. it's such a terrible thing that you were knocked back when you were trying to get help. my mum died of cancer too just over a year ago. like you i suffered from anxiety, panic attacks and overwhelming guilt that i should have done something different when it came to her treatment.

we all try to cope with grief in our own ways. try not to be so hard on yourself. big hugs xxx

Not sure I can help but didn't want to leave you on your own. I'd try going back to the GP but probably try a different one. Could you take your DH with you for support? Maybe write down what you want to say in advance. They should be able to help you find the right sort of counselling, not just sort your medical needs. Sorry to not be more helpfull, big hugs.

alazuli, thanks, I've been on the waiting list for Cruse but apparently it can take up to 6 months in this area.

I did look up a private therapist before and went to someone twice but I just didn't like it, didn't warm to the therapist at all. Not sure he was a bereavement specialist.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of your mum also. I hadn't thought of the hospice (there were no available beds at that time so we never got to access to their services) I assumed you'd have to have had a patient with them?

My gp is a nightmare, always like that. I used to have a fabulous gp who would be amazing right now but she retired. The only other options at the moment are locums. I'd kind of wanted someone who knew me to see how out of character this is. But think I'll have to make appointment with them. Will look into those therapists again too.
Pipnik thanks for the hugs and thoughts. I have wondered about taking dh with me. I can't work out if I should just do that and get him to explain (he's in a medical field actually so he really gets it but is trying to be my partner not my doctor if that makes sense so has been encouraging me to go to the Dr).

I know I need to do something. But on the other hand I'm terrified that I'll go to the gp and they'll want to start the tests that I'm so petrified will confirm I'm really ill. I know how daft that sounds.

I didn't drink tonight for the first night in I'm sure a year. Having trouble sleeping now and palpitations. But I can't keep drinking. Not fair on my little ones.

Okay so it sounds like you're really struggling to come to terms with your mum's last few weeks and I get that I totally do - even now after 5 years I still get flashbacks about my DM's death. It may even be that you have a form of PTSD. Re your GP, can you make another appointment and this time go in armed with what you want them to do (eg "I want you to refer me for counselling as I'm not coping with bereavement")? In my area you can self refer for some counselling on the NHS so could you check if that's available where you live? Finally - and I mean this kindly (and I think you know this) but you are drinking too much and that needs to stop. Would you find it helpful to get support just for that and then go on from there? I really wish you well and a good night's sleep.

Thanks Willowkins, I didn't sleep at all until about 3am but have finally had several hours of good sleep. I have almost wondered if it's some form of ptsd but I didn't want that to sound like I'm belittling ptsd. I am constantly reliving it, flashbacks, nightmares etc, that's why I ended up drinking too much to stop it. I know that needs to stop. I don't know which to tackle first in terms of referral for help. Maybe a more supportive gp will know better. I'll ring on Tuesday and see where it goes from there. Thanks all.

wow, 6 months is far too long!

no, i thought that too about hospices but my mum wasn't a patient at this one. it's just local to me and it's something they offer to residents in the area.

if you have the cash then i really think you should go down the private therapist route while you wait for cruse. i've had private counselling too a few years ago (can't afford it now!). tried one, didn't click like you and nearly gave up on it but then i tried another one and she was amazing. i think with therapists it's a question of finding the right one for you, who makes you feel safe and listened to.

also, like a PP said i have felt like i've been suffering from ptsd. watching someone you love die slowly from cancer for 2 years, is completely traumatising. i still have flashbacks to her dying.

anyway i hope it goes ok with your gp.

Update - so I have an appointment with my gp and have discovered that my private medical insurance might cover counselling so going to try that.
Most importantly, I've stopped drinking! It might seem tiny but I haven't had a drink in 3 days, that's the first time in the last two years. And I don't intend to have any more.

I downloaded the Andrew Johnston app I'd seen recommended here and I've listened to it every day so far. I just hope that the positivity I'm feeling today carries on. I feel like I might be able to tackle my other conditions.

Well done - 3 days is great!

I lost my DS to cancer 3 half years ago, followed the following year by my mum to cancer too. I think when you watch a loved one suffer for a long time then there is an element of ptsd to your bereavement. My son suffered for two half years, my mum for a few months.

I've received counselling but I'm not sure you ever really come to terms with the suffering. I could talk forever about their suffering and deaths but it still doesn't change the now. For me I'm trying to not remember the blackest of moments, and only bring them out when I feel emotionally safe. This allows me to live and love on a level that I'm beginning to accept. It allows me to grieve when I choose to. It doesn't always work - I've cried all the way to work today when a black horror memory hit me from nowhere.

Keep going, one foot in front of the other. Xx

@minmooch I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. To lose both a parent and a child in such a short space of time must be just heartbreaking.
I can totally understand why no amount of counselling "fixes" you after such losses. I don't imagine a time when I'll be fixed either but I do hope I can get longer period where it's not as black.
Another day today with no alcohol. It probably helps that I'm actually sick with a cold, no desire to do anything!!! I'm seeing my gp in a few days and I feel slightly less bleak than this time a week ago. But I know it's a series of troughs.
I wish I had a rl friend who I could talk to. My own family are too upset themselves and the one friend who has experienced it has her own issues atm.
Thank you all for taking the time to post. It's much appreciated.

Hi. Perhaps beta blockers could help you with anxiety for a short spell and help to dampen down some of the physical & emotional effects you're experiencing. Sadly though, you can't go around grief - you have to go through it and it's bloody awful. I suffered from ptsd, including flashbacks but these have started to lessen over time. You have my deepest sympathy though - grief is horrendous.

Hi for every season I'm so sorry you are going through this and sorry for the loss of your DM.
I lost my Df to cancer this Monday after many scares the last few years and a horrific weekend he finally left us.I wasn't his carer my DM was so.it was worse for he as she sat with him daily through his six weeks in hospital and all the last two days and nights.
I know what you mean about anxiety as I was being treated for it before df passed.away.
Also I drank more than I was previously but nothing compared to others I know just more than I wanted to.I hope you get the help you need and I agree some deaths and last weeks we feel very let down by the system even though they are doing their best in most cases.
Take care x