DF died and mum stole all the grief. How do I start to grieve all these years later?

[Mushroomburger17]

I dont know if the title sounds a bit mad or if others can relate? My DF died 20 years ago very suddenly. My dm was in a bad place and made it all about her. Even friends and family made it all about her. Not one person acknowledged that my DF had died, it was just my dm's dh who had died.

I remember her being horrible to me a few times, and when I tried antidepressants she screamed at me that she didnt know why the hell I needed those etc.

Basically I've not ever grieved as I wasn't really allowed to, if that makes sense? I have no photos, don't talk about him, his anniversary is not observed etc. To me it's like the man never existed! I do not feel that I could ask for pics as it's almost like it's none of my business.

So I'm left struggling with my mental health and a very functional non-relationship with my dm. My problems are obviously stemming from the fact I've never grieved. So my question is, after all these years where do I start? What do I need to do? What are my first steps? Can anyone relate? Thank you!

I totally sympathise as I had a similar experience when my father died.
It is never too late for bereavement counselling and I believe this is the way to go. CRUSE are one of the main organisations offering bereavement counselling.
A friend of mine had similar issues eight years after his wifes death
He finally saw his GP who arranged bereavement counselling and some short term medication and it has changed his life.

My dad has done this with my mum's death. I was pregnant at the time and was told that my children were "an inconvenience". Oddly we now have a very strained relationship.

Sorry to hear you've had similar experiences. Do you know how or what the counselling would be like? I can't imagine how it would start after all this time.

I think I have a lot of anger for my dm that I have only just acknowledged. I'm also incredibly hurt by her. I'm living with constant anxiety and now panic attacks.

It's only over the past few months that I've realised that she really does not give a shit. She does so much so she can live with herself but no emotional support.

The issue might be more about your mother really from what you have said. Imagine not having a pic of your Dad. Something not right there.

How are you getting along with your mother today, assuming she is still here.

I think you should hop over to the "But we took you to Stately Homes" thread.

Narcissistic mothers are a big feature there, and it looks to me that may have been an issue for you all along.

When in counselling, tell them about your mother, your Dad's death will follow on from dealing with mother I think.

Hope you will be OK. Best wishes.

Great advice. Thank you! I don't think she's a full on narc, but is a definite attention seeker and it's all.about her really. She was great when I was a child though.

She's very cold now and has emotionally detached from me completely. She spends half the year at her holiday home abroad and never rings. I thought it may be the cost but after spending some time there with her I saw that she spent a lot of time ringing others.

The joys!

OP in my friends case the counsellor actually visited his home once a week for about eight weeks.
Other people see the counsellor at an office.
Its really about talking and opening up about how you feel to a person who is non judgemental and knows the right questions to ask.
The counsellor provides different perspectives and shows you how to move beyond your grief, anger etc.
Please give it a try counselling really can make a diiference.
As I said before its never too late.

This happened with my mum when we lost my dad. I remember it being very important that we rally around her and she received tons of cards and messages from well wishers. My half sister (mum's daughter) even received flowers from her lovely friend for coping so well looking after my mum. I came home after a week or so with my mum and felt so lost. No one had sent me a card saying sorry for your loss, my husband had recently left me and I felt so empty. I fell into deep depression/grief that didn't lift for several months and I still have moments now several years later. It's like feeling you were not important enough to grieve.

Sorry OP I don't have anything constructive to offer, but wanted to let you know there are people who understand what you are feeling.

Sorry to hear that Liz. How is your relationship with your mum now? Do you feel like you did grieve though? Did you have to do it in private away from your mum?

Yes this resonates with me. .

I did grieve a little in private and my employers were absolutely fantastic (unbelievably accommodating and have won my loyalty completely). Unfortunately my mum has fairly advanced dementia now (and the helplessness and neediness that we thought was grief seems to have been the mid-stages and that my father had masked a lot of the problems she was encountering). So no real "closure" (I hate that term) but a new set of challenges.

Grief is a shitter and there is no right way of doing it, you just have to get to a point where you feel less raw. I hope you find some peace soon OP.

There is a hierarchy of grief
Mum has made it very clear her grief trumps everyone else's
4 years and I'm not sure Ive grieved properly either....there is always the next crisis or health emergency
It's exhausting

Thanks both. Sorry to hear about your mum's illness, Liz.

Knope, I remember the immediate years after running round after my mum but that hasn't happened for years now. She's just sort of gone.

Life with my own family is pretty good at the moment after years of struggling. Everyone has recently gone right for us and I'm so pissed off that this has all resurfaced.

I'm backing off
She's been utterly vile to me for months now...ice simply had enough
My sister sees her for 1 hour per week and takes her food shopping
My brother only sees her of she looks g after his dd

I'm done