Supporting bereaved father

[Timeforachange68]

My mum passed away last weekend after only being ill for a few months, she had secondary breast cancer in the lining of her lungs & actually died of pneumonia - it was such a shock to us all that she deteriorated so quickly but my dad is struggling the most-they'd been married over 50 years & they met at school so they've been each other's world for ever.

I just wondered how others in this situation coped with the parent left behind - my sister and I have spent a lot of time with him this week & it's been harrowing to see how upset he is.

Hi sorry for your loss, it must have been a massive shock for you. I think all you can do is help hIm as much as you can both practically an emotionally in the next few weeks. Is he able to start thinking about funeral arrangements? It might give him something to focus on if he has small tasks such as choosing readings? It's horrid for you all, so my sympathies.

Thanks Yorkshire
It certainly was a shock for us all. My dh has been an anchor for us all this week & he's helped my dad a lot dealing with the practical stuff & we've already planned the funeral

This has happened to me (nearly six months since Mum died of cancer). My mother and father were married over 60 years and were so close (also met when schoolchildren).

Obviously to begin with, practical help like funeral arrangements is a good idea. My Dad found this overwhelming so my brothers and I planned things with him providing the ideas.

My Dad has said being with the family has really helped. He stays with me once a week and Dad enjoys simple things like playing chess with my ds. My brother also goes over once a week.

The grandchildren all take it in turns to phone him and he enjoys these chats. I got him a mobile phone and we all taught him to text so he exchanges texts with grandchildren.

We are encouraging him to meet his close friend once a week as it is important not to become isolated. Gardening / growing plants has really helped him too.

Finally we have planned a mini break in the UK and Dad is coming along. Hope some of these ideas help.

Thanks Little.

All great ideas. We've decided my dad is very stubborn! Although he's spent some time with us today we didn't want him to be on his own tonight (1 week on from my mum's passing) but he was adamant he wanted to go home & going home to the empty house seems to be a big stumbling block.

We will endeavour to get him to spend time with us going forward but I can't imagine him agreeing to going away with us! He doesn't really have any close friends - my mum was more sociable!

My Mum was the sociable one too. My Dad is also very stubborn!

My Dad wanted to go home after Mum died and it was very important for him to have that quiet time. I think we have got a balance now where he spends part of the week pottering alone and has two or three things to look forward to. It helps if you introduce things gradually.

Your Dad is probably still in shock.

Little they sound so similar! I'm glad you've found the balance that suits your family.

Every suggestion that people come up with (who are only trying to be helpful!) he dismisses & then says he's going to be lonely, doesn't help that my mom was always the optimist to his pessimism!

He definitely is still in shock & I think it will hit him even harder after he funeral when all the "sorting out" is done