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Bereavement

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DD1 feels sad inside because her daddy is dead

64 replies

Yorkiegirl · 30/03/2007 09:54

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auntymandy · 31/03/2007 15:44

Poor DD.
Although it does give you an oppatunity to talk about Nigel. Tell her he still loves her even though he isnt here. Get out your photoes and have a laugh and a cry.

btw..I still want breakfast in Ikea!!!

Malaleche · 31/03/2007 17:22

sorry, on re-reading my postbox idea is a bit stupid...

OrvilleRedenbacher · 31/03/2007 17:25

yorkie
read moonins post

Christie · 31/03/2007 18:50

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onlytheone · 31/03/2007 22:28

this is one of the hardest things you have to face. I am thinking of you all. I am scared of this when it happens to DH who is suffering from terminal cancer. I think you have to keep talking about Nigel and ensure that she has every opportunity to express herself. My mum died when I was an adult and I know that by being allowed to talk and talk about her helped enormously. It was difficult when people stopped talking about her. I cannot imagine losing a parent as a child but this something I too will be facing.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/03/2007 22:31

Good posts by Moomin and HD.

xxx

Moomin · 31/03/2007 22:51

Reading CAM's post has reminded me of something else. I remember the week following my mum's death being very strange as lots of her friends were coming to the house when they got the news and my brother my cousins and I were in the middle of it all, playing. My mum's best friend was on holiday when it happened and I remember her coming round about 5 days after and as she walked through the hall where we were playing she looked at us, stricken, and said 'are you ok?'. I rememeber feeling rwally sorry for her because she looked so sad and I said 'Yes thank you, I think I'm over the worst now'. !!! And I thought I was because we'd spent so much time crying non-stop and this was a time when we'd stopped so I actually thought that was the worst bit over... I knew my mum was dead but it didn't occur to me until a while after this that she was never coming back. And that was a huge blow and completely devastating to a child.

I so desperately wanted her to reply when I prayed; I wanted those letters to be taken; I wanted a sign. It's awful when you realise there won't be one. I feel for you all so much I really do. It does get better, I promise. Keep talking, keep crying when you need to and don't make promises you can't keep (sorry if that sounds awful or callous or whatever - I'm thinking of HD's post as well and he's so right). Much much love x

Yorkiegirl · 31/03/2007 23:01

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Moomin · 31/03/2007 23:04

The drawings sound a good starting point; something for her to do either with you or alone so she can express herself. Maybe address the other things when she specifically asks. My eldest dd1 is 5 and I think she could take on board some of the things but not all, so go with your gut instincts - you know her best. x

LedodgyCheapEasterEggsAreASin · 31/03/2007 23:04

YG I think they're right you should talk about that stuff with her. I know it will be so hard but she'll suprise you her fears will be much worse than reality that is explained. I was quite a bit older (15) when my dad died but I needed to know all that stuff the truth works it honestly does.

spiker · 31/03/2007 23:20

YG - glad you're getting some practical advice from WW. I haven't been through bereavement with small children, although I was deeply involved with ex-DP and his teenage sisters when his mother died. All I can say is, any talking is good. I felt a bit hurt and confused that ex-DP couldn't talk to me about his mum but could talk to his counsellor, but god was I relieved that he was finally talking to someone.

Nbg · 01/04/2007 08:17

Yorkie, I remember reading something Custy posted about explaining what happens when we die.
She said to use visuals, in this case a sock and say that when we die our body goes away, so at the point you take the sock off, but the spirit always stays and that bit is your hand.

I thought it was a lovely way of explaining this to children.

auntymandy · 02/04/2007 18:15

I think we think our children are a lot weaker emotionally than we are, when infact (I believe) they are much stronger. I also think they only take in information they can cope with.
I would be open and honest and tell her all about it as recommended by WW. She will take some in and ask about it. The rest she will ignore. But go over it again in a few months when she will take in more. The drawings are a great idea.
Just keep talking, it will help you too

madoldcatlady · 02/04/2007 22:53

DH1 died when DD1 was not quite 2. I found that absolute honesty was a good way forward for us. I the early days I used euphamisms & white lies, which, I discovered, upset and confused her more. I'm sure you already do this, but allow them to talk about Nigel and express their grief. If you can bear it, let them see yours too. I never could. It will help them see that it's normal and ok to be sad/angry.

Ride the waves with her. There is will come a time when the pain is not raw and life can be good for you all

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