It's a continuous journey, bereavement, and one that changes but doesn't actually go away, so I feel for you all. My mum died when I was 9 and unfortunately we didn't have the same sort of support in those days that children might have now. Trying to remember what I really wanted at the time... mostly I think I would have liked to know that it was ok to talk about her because I got very frightened about my dad getting upset so I tried to avoid it.
I was very scared that my dad was losing control I suppose. I would have liked it if we'd have been able to talk and have a cry (or a laugh) about her and then know that things weren't going to descend into something I didn't understand. I very much wanted some normality I think. When everyone cried it kind of felt like we were all clinging onto the edge of a cliff; it was terrifying. It would have been good to know that we were going to 'be ok in the end' I suppose; that life of a sort would get better. It was a different life than the one we'd all wanted but it got back to a kind of normality eventually.
I remember writing letters to my mum, which helped in some ways - but I never knew where to put/send them, as I kept them secret from my dad. Maybe your dd could do this with your help (painful I know) and you could out them away somewhere or take them to your church or to Nigel's grave??? Don't really know. I know I wanted my letters to 'go somewhere' and was frustrated when they just stayed where I'd put them. Does that make sense? Not sure if this is any help at all? Probably not . I'm rambling a bit.