Death from cancer (upsetting)

[SunshineBearHug]

Hello

Recently my df died from cancer. He ended up in a lovely hospice, however I feel really traumatised by his final days. He didn't look like himself, couldn't eat of speak and was gaunt with his mouth open and struggling to breathe/Death rattle.

I was there when he died and it felt like he had gone already, he just didn't look like him and though his eyes were open I think he may have been asleep from all the pain relief? There was no recognition in his eyes if that makes sense?

I just wondered if anyone else had a similar experience? I'm hoping that even though he couldn't talk then he wasn't in pain, he had a lot of pain relief and was well cared for. It's very hard to see someone deteriorate so slowly and just waste away in front of you.

My mum didn't die of cancer, but when she died she looked nothing like herself in life. And after the undertakers had worked on her, the only part of her I recognised was her forehead. Truth.

I hope your father was pain-free at the end.

Oh lovey, I'm sorry about your dad. You will forget those horrible images in time and Remember as he was. It is bloody awful though, but they will fade truly.

Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry you have these questions on your mind.
My dad died of cancer, it was 6 months between diagnosis and his death.
All I can say is, as much as my dad didn't seem to 'be here' I was assured he wasn't in pain due to the morphine. The nurses told me he was flying.
At the time and all these years later (it was 20 years on July 17th; dad was 52, I was 22) I hold onto that.
I know he had great care. We can't change the brutality of cancer, so lets just remember the fantastic care that was given.
I understand everything you are saying about deterioration and feeling like your dad was 'gone' before he passed away.
I promise you, in time, your fears about what your dad went through will lessen.
I'm sending you a handhold and a cuddle.

For now, hold onto good memories. Remember your dad how he was before he got sick.

Oh it isn't easy honey to see our loved ones final days like that.

My Df and nanna passed to cancer. Both on syringe drivers full of lovely pain relief and medication to help relax. I promise you those images won't stay the same in your mind. It's too early and things naturally raw but it does change. You have a life time if memories with your df. Those will take precedence.
I'd recommend writing memories down....even the most innate memories. Every time something pops in your head however small or big. Write it down on a bit of paper and put them in a jar, box....when you get the mental image of your df at the end....pull out one of the random bits of paper and read the lovely memory. It'll help...trust me.

Be very kind to yourself

to you all

Sorry for your losses.

It will lessen.
My mum died 17 years ago of Cancer and the last week was horrific.
It was exactly as you describe OP. I can't take that memory away from you, but please know that you are not alone in those thoughts.
My brother sadly died of Cancer 5 years ago this coming Christmas. We were told of his decline very late by my sister in law and I still remember that awful walk down the corridor of the hospital, I dreaded seeing him the way I'd seen mum.
It's not something I've ever really spoken about. DH knows the extent to which it affected me. I am the youngest child by many years and I've had to watch too many people, who I feel should be here, die of this horrible disease.
Cancer is particularly cruel.
My heart goes out to you

Thank you and sorry for all your losses too although my df had been in pain at times I think he probably wasn't by the end as he had a syringe driver and he didn't look in pain. I wonder whether he could still think clearly as he did try to speak but couldn't as his mouth was wide open with his noisy breathing. Hopefully he was enjoying all the drugs and whatever he was trying to say and thinking was just simple things

I suppose as people don't recover from the final days of cancer it's tricky to know the patients experience and feelings but yes hopefully it was pain free and easy them.

Hello sunshine, I just wanted to say sorry for your loss. You are obviously in the very early stages of bereavement. My xdp passed away 6 months ago. He was the father of my ds and although we separated on poor terms we had grown close since his diagnosis. What you have written in your op really describes his final days too apart from the fact he was on his own when he passed away. I tortured myself with that for weeks but in the end I know he wouldn't have wanted our ds to see him die.
We are now 6 months down the line . I recommend that you look into the 5 stages of grief, it really does help.

I'm so sorry for you loss.My df is currently dying of cancer.it is everywhere including his spine.watching him struggle to walk hearing his kidneys are failing and he still has a DVT is hard.
Sadly he looks lost and sleeps a lot.DM is upset he has wet the bed a few times however he can't help it.
Many heartbreaking illnesses and cancer is one of them.
I hope you can remember your df in happier times.I agree they are a shadow of themselves when they are this I'll xx

Your description reminds me so much of how my mum was when she was dying of cancer. Pretty much her last words to me, the last time she was lucid was 'Don't worry, I feel fine', which I still hang on to, because the following three days we exactly as you described. It is hard to get that image out of your head, and to be honest I still see my mum like that in my head nearly two years later.
Something that helped me a lot at the time and since was this programme that was on radio four when my mum was ill. www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06nnqlj The palliative care expert explains the process of dying very well and I found it comforting. So sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My BIL passed away from cancer a month ago in a hospice and he looked horrifying at the end. My advice would be to go and talk to the nurses and doctors at the hospice about your worries and concerns and experience at the end. They will be very reassuring and supportive and help you cope with this very unsettling time, talking it through with the experts will help. Take care xx

Both my parents died of lung cancer, my mum 17 years ago and my dad just last Xmas. It's the most horrendous thing watching them die of this disease, I know exactly what you mean they just don't look themselves do they. I remember asking my dad if he was in any pain, he said no he was just struggling with his breathing.

It's mixed emotions when you see them like that, you don't want them to suffer so you want them to pass away peacefully but then you love them and you don't want them to die. What you got to remember is he is out of pain and suffering now, and have lovely memories of him. I have a tree in my garden from his garden with a plaque saying 'dad's tree' and the dates. I'm going to put his ashes in the pot too. There are all sorts you can do to have nice memories of him, so that awful memory of him at the end starts to diminish x

It's such an awful thing to witness. My amazing sister died of cancer two months ago and I was with her and what you described really resonates.
I can't get her final days out of my mind or her final hours. It felt so removed from who she actually was and what she was like that I still find it really difficult to believe that she actually died. Images of her last days pop into my mind all the time, and I miss her so much. We both watched our parents die from cancer and heart failure and now she is gone too. I hope it gets better. I remember her for what she was before her (very brief) illness and I hope the images of her death will fade.

My husband died on Thursday last week. I am a nurse and kind if knew what to expect but still comes as a shock. He was a very fit man and only 54years .He did not eat any food for over 10 weeks and so very emaciated.

I just wish he did not have to go through all of it . To watch him daily was heart breaking. Early days for me and very raw... hospice was amazing.
Just miss him so much. .

Hugs to everyone recounting this horror. The skeletal features of my lovely DF pop into my head still, after almost three years. I do feel the pain was gone by that time. The drugs are amazing and the end is easier for them than for us watching. I hope that is true.

💐💐💐

My DF is in his final days... looks just as you describe OP, from a chunky big man to a curled up, getting thinner by the day, cheekbones visible, mouth wide open.... making groaning noises, but from what little communication he has not severe pain Stopped eating and is just having ice pops really.Breaking my heart seeing him like this.

I remember, when my dad and uncle were at the end stage (they died around the same time), watching those nurses caring for them like midwives to the dying and it filled me with an enduring respect for those who work in that environment. My brother is young, married with three kids and has been diagnosed with aggressive pancreatic cancer (a bit superfluous because it is a lethal cancer on its own, no need to throw in the 'aggressive' bit). What makes me cry the most is knowing that the day will come when I will see that crumpled, defeated, unrecognisable person who will come to be known as my brother in the last stages of living. That's the part I find the hardest. No death is dignified. But if you can die, pain-free, with people who love you by your side, then that in itself is the best gift in the world and the only way to go. May you find comfort in your friend's peaceful passing, eventually. And may memories of your friend as he was in life obliterate that traumatic image of him in death. It took me a long time to unsee my dad in that end of life stage. Now when I think of him, I hardly go back to that acute period. I reflect on our lives together and the death part of it doesn't often come into my thoughts anymore. You will be able to do the same. And that's when the healing makes itself known. Love to you OP. May peace find you.

Hi OP,

Just wondering; was your DF on a morphine driver ?

I had a very similar thing recently when a close relative was ill with cancer and fitted (at the end) with a morphine driver. The look sounds very similar...the open mouth, glazed open eyes and rattly breathing. She looked nothing like her usual self, and I felt really distressed by it all - the fact that it was someone very dear to me helped me to deal with seeing her like that. She only lived for 18 hours following the driver being fitted...and actually looked more like herself after she had passed, if that makes sense. I've moreorless forgotten what she looked like at that time, but I can remember the pure horror I felt seeing her.

I have since spoken to a few people who have experience of being with relatives with cancer in their final days, and I think that most people end up with a similar look, on a similar concoction of meds. Having been on a morphine drip several times after operations before (much lower dosage than a driver) I found it to be a very cosy, dreamy and peaceful...almost euphoric state - so i imagine the patient feels something similar. I believe it is pain free. A nurse did inform us that our relative could hear everything we said, so we made sure we talked to her said our goodbyes and were really positive.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Apologies OP...have re-read this thread and noticed that you mentioned the syringe driver.

My dad went in exactly the same way. This was 5 years ago. I don't remember him now as he was in the hospice, just how he was when he was well. He went from diagnosis to passing away in just 3 weeks so it was a horrendous time but it does get better..... So sorry for your loss

Oh poor mumsnetters, it's awful reading these stories but I guess we also know we're not alone. Tracy7717 I'm so sorry to hear about your oh. I hope you are coping and oh and all of you with an ill relative. I think it's just awful watching them deteriorate, problem was I never really forgot how my mum looked when she died so when I found out my dad was ill with the same thing, it was so hard . At least now they are out of pain and re united!

I'm sorry for all of the losses to this awful disease that I've read here. I lost my mum to pancreatic cancer just over a month ago and her final days were just as you describe. I can't get those images out of my mind and am finding it such a complicated thing to process along with the bereavement itself. She had a driver for probably about 4 weeks, but nobody had really told us what this meant for her life expectancy so her very rapid decline was quite a shock to us. I only found out that we had moved into end of life care when I googled the syringe driver dimensions to be able to make her a little pouch to carry it around in and there was no denying what it was used for.

Being on the front line of death, especially with a disease like this, is simply traumatic. It brings me comfort that she is no longer suffering, but to be honest she dealt with it so well (and was still walking around two days before she died) that part of me thinks she would have kept the suffering for another year or two of life.

The nurses were absolutely amazing. I have no idea how they face this daily.

I used to be a volunteer in a hospice and worked with the patients. I can tell you that the experience you had is totally normal, but even so, I know it can be very traumatizing. As a volunteer, we had training about what we would see when a person was dying, so it wasn't a shock when we were helping people (and their families) who were at the end of their lives.

I would definitely recommend counselling as it would probably help you to talk through what happened and what you experienced, most hospices offer bereavement counselling to the families of patients, have you spoken to them?

My df died Monday.I was.relieved as his last few days were horrific.DM sat with him and we all took it in turns.Dfs cancer had gone to his brain plus he had a uti.He wasn't overly thin as he was previously a bigger man however seeing him muttering unintelligibly and drinking for a child's beaker as he was shark ng so much.
All of this we could had but the secretions rattling in his chest then subsequently pouring out of his mouth and nose I didn't stay for.I already have a fear of vomiting selfish I know so db stayed with DM as it seemed like df was drowning.:(
I'm pleased his suffering is over.So sorry to all who have been through this.DM is worried this will happen to her when her cancer returns as she knows its incurable.