Unsupportive Friends?

[ChangelingToday]

We buried my mother yesterday 😢

Because she wanted to be buried in her hometown which is 3 hours drive from us, funeral arrangements were a bit longer than the norm, we are RC so we ended up with a wake on two day/evenings followed by removal to church one of the evenings, with mass on the last day and long journey to her final resting place. Only one friend came to visit us, my parents house is 45 minutes from where I live. I was floored that one friend in particular, who I spend time with every week, have known for 13 years, her husband went to school with my husband, did not show up even just to my house if she didn't want to make the journey. Today it has been on my mind all day, I am really angry!! I realise some of my anger is just misguided grief but I'd counted on her support as my friend. How can you tell me I'm one of your best friends and not go to the funeral of my parent? She knows how turbulent my relationship is with one family member in particular, and about all the heartache surrounding my mothers illness. Please excuse my language but where the fuck was she? I got a text saying 'thinking of you 💞' I received it on the way to the mass the morning of and since she hadn't shown at the wake, said to my husband oh she must be on her way. Nothing!!! I don't even know what to say or if I want to say anything to her now, ever

I'm so sorry for your loss

It would never occur to me to go to the funeral of any of my friends parents. Both of my parents are dead and none of my friends came. Like yours they phoned or sent cards (no mobiles back then).

I'm not sure the difference? I know you said your Catholic, is it common in your faith for friends to go?

I know exactly how you feel. My dad died 10 weeks ago. I didn't expect many friends or in laws to come to his funeral, but I did expect some people to check in on me afterwards.

One SIL who I have been very close to and was actually a friend with before we became in laws, still hasn't been round to my house, or dropped a card through the door or anything. A few texts is all. She lives 10 minutes away from me. To be honest, it's eating me up.

A friend who has supposedly been one of my besties for more than 25years hasn't bothered to call, text or visit since the week after he died.

I don't expect people to devote all of their time to checking in with me, but I did expect those closest to me to care enough to look out for me.

I think that some people just don't get it and aren't capable of giving the support that is needed by a bereaved person. I can logically understand that, but in my case, my expectations have been so shattered that I'm finding it very hard to be OK with it.

I'm trying to focus on all the people that have offered me love and support and take strength from that.

I'm not in the UK so maybe we just do things differently here. Or maybe I did expect too much. But DH best friend took a couple of hours off work to come! And another friend and his wife got a babysitter and traveled to us. Two of my sisters good friends travelled over two hours from different directions to be there. I guess I expect too much of people. My mil let me down too by insulting me in front of my mothers coffin, a lot of time for healing needed here I guess 😞

I think, if your friends knew your parents well, I would definitely expect them to come to the funeral. If they didn't, then no I wouldn't have that expectation.

A friend of mine who never met my Mum came to her funeral. She came as a support to me, which was lovely and thoughtful but, as she knew nobody, I felt I had to look after her, therefore couldn't grieve as such. To be honest, I didn't want to speak to anyone that day, I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

However, when your 'friends' do not 'support' you i.e. Checking in etc it is very upsetting, and you find yourself questioning the friendship.

I lost my sister in May, some people I considered 'friends' I now realise are only acquaintances, at least I know now.

Sorry for your loss

Thank you x Yes she's met her many times but has she spent hours getting to know her? No definitely not. I got a couple of thinking of you texts during the week of her passing. Funeral was Thursday and there's been nothing since.

Thanks for your replies, it's given me food for thought 💭 x