Well it's nearly 3 weeks since DH died. A week tomorrow since his funeral. I have no idea how that went so fast.
I'm not coping.
His best friend (only friend) was a tower of strength to me, but since I told him about the notes, I feel like he's pulled away slightly. (Might just be in my head). He's obviously carrying on with his life as well he should, but I'm terrified of losing him, he's my only connection to Dave (DH). I try not to bother him too much but I don't want to lose him. He says he doesn't mind me texting him at all if it helps, but I feel like I bother him.
I have had 2 counselling sessions and another booked in for next week. They help but not for long.
If you read my last thread you''ll know DH's suicide note simply said he could no longer live in fear of false prosecution and being beaten up by my friends/family. Followed by asking the police to check his phone for emails/messages which would "tell them all they need to know" and "please save my girls from that monster". His letter says he is sorry to the kids he couldn't protect them from me and that he loves them. He left 2 other sheets of paper full of examples of domestic abuse I'd apparently done. Some true, some lies, some twisted versions of the truth.
Anyway
He had £1200 on him in cash and thousands in the bank. He had written on the notes telephone numbers of refuges/male domestic violence helplines (why? so the police would ring them and see what he said?) He could have left.
Then it hit me.
If he leaves, or stays, the threat remains. At any time I could report him to the police. This is something he was worried about, though to what extent I don't know. After smacking DD, it's possible he worried more, as she would back up my accusation.
So maybe his note was true - he killed himself because he couldn't live in fear of prosecution. Every time we argued I threatened to report him to the police for his previous violence. I told him I had proof.
The counsellor has explained that DH's reality isn't necessarily reality.. For example, he didn't just deny he had been violent, he went as far as to say I was making it all up, spreading lies etc.
I am struggling with every day reminders, silly things like at Christmas he'd get excited that pringles were £1, now I'm dreading it. I bought some cheesecake but can't bear to eat it as he'd always save me half of his. Can't watch our favourite tv show anymore.
I feel like I don't mourn, during the day I am on autopilot for the kids, I feel ok, like I can do this etc. I have the odd fleeting memory or moment but I'm too busy to dwell. Then when the kids are in bed, assuming they behave, I start to obsess over the suicide.
His family blame me, they told me in no uncertain terms that the whole family blame me for his death as I'd thrown him out the day before. They also blame me for him cutting them off 6 years ago. In reality, DH cut them off as his mum threatened to report him to social services for his violence, and his brother is a convicted paedophile so we kept our distance. I don't know if DH ever missed them or regretted it, he never seemed to - though I do recall he seemed a bit wistful recently. He had a terrible childhood, his dad was abusive to his mum and his children, emotionally too.
I recall DH asking me when we met if I was ever worried he'd turn into his dad. I'm ashamed to say he did, and I told him so in a row a few years back.
I'm just not coping.
I blame myself because he blamed me. In his last email to me, his suicide note and his lists of domestic abuse, not once does he mention loving me. The closest it gets is him saying "I gave you everything I had, built my life for our family, did everything you ever asked but it wasn't enough, nothing ever is"
No declaration of love (apart from to our girls), just blame and accusations.
The method he chose he planned meticulously and knew would work. No room for escape or cry for help, no time.
It would've been our 10 year wedding anniversary next May.
I'm just not coping - how could he do this to me, to the girls? Why? Did he mean it?
In my heart he did it out of anger/spite, but he knew it wouldn't fail so he must have meant it. Or maybe he didn't WANT to but felt he HAD to.
I just don't feel like I can go on. I'd never hurt myself because I couldn't do that to our daughters, but at the same time I feel like my life stopped when he did. I don't eat, or watch tv, I just look after the kids then obsess.
My head says if he wanted the kids to be taken from me, he would have put more in place - reported me to social services/police, written lists of how "bad" or "abusive" I was to them, or hell just snatched them from me. But then my anxiety says, as per his email, he failed to protect them from me and paid the price (death), so his letter was a final desperate plea, that they'd read our emails, find me mental and take the kids. Yet he's dead, left them with me, without being 100% certain anyone would take the kids.
His note seems too rushed, too short and concise - almost like it was written in the day and he decided in the evening what to do. He certainly had a lot of time - he bought the equipment at 5pm, no idea what he did til he emailed me at 1.30am, and died at some time before 6am
I don't know what to do anymore. I look at my girls and feel guilt that their father is dead because of me, that he misses them grow up because of me. Whether he killed himself or not he did so because of me.