Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

FIRST DD, NOW DM.......CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS.

18 replies

cocochanel21 · 04/08/2017 21:28

I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS
My Mum passed away suddenly but peaceful this morning at 2am. She had fought dementia for the last 15yrs.

My dd died 20mths ago. She was 23.

We never told mum dd had died. She would ask about dd and talk about her in the Present tense I would never correct her because (A) she wouldn't remember and (B) I found it comforting in a strange way.

I don't feel anything, i haven't cried, and I couldn't get out the Care home quick enought this morning. I went home with DH and my siblings all went to my Brother's house I ended up sitting in the cemetery at 7am this Morning thinking WTF Is wrong with me.

I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS

I CAN'T GO TO ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBERS FUNERAL
The last time i was in that Chapel they were carrying My Beautiful DD out in a coffin and I've NEVER been back.

I love my mum so much but, i can't do this.
I feel such a horrible person, My mum has died and all i can think about is she will get to see Dd again.

OP posts:

AliCat36 · 04/08/2017 21:35

So sorry this has happened. I can't imagine how you must feel.
You are not a horrible person, there's no formula that says how you must feel or behave when someone you love dies. 20 months is no time at all, you're probably still in shock from losing your dd.
Be kind to yourself & give yourself some time to feel whatever you feel. Don't feel guilty for not crying, it doesn't mean you don't love your mum it just means your body & mind are in shock.
Is there someone you can talk to or who can just sit quietly with you?

ofudginghell · 04/08/2017 21:36

Oh op I'm so very sorry 😐
You must be in shock which is why your thinking the way you are.
Take your time with your thoughts and take each hour as it comes.

Sending love your way op

yawning801 · 04/08/2017 21:41

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through. It will get better and more tolerable in the future, I believe. It's still very new and very raw right now. (((((((Hugs))))))) and for you OP.

choccybiscuit · 04/08/2017 21:41

gosh how awful for you op. Dont hold those tears in. If you need to cry, do it, if you don't it really does not mean a thing. Spend lots of time with family, only they know what your going through.
You are certainly not a horrible person. It woukd be lovely to think of your dd and mum together. Who says they're not eh?
Take care of yourself x

TestTubeTeen · 04/08/2017 21:45

Oh, I am so sorry.

Your poor Mum, your poor lovely daughter, and you in tne middle generation without either of them.

So very sad.

Tootsiepops · 04/08/2017 21:48

I understand, to a degree, what you are going through. My 29 y/o brother died in 2012, then exactly a year later my dad died, then two years after that, my mum died. All were premature and unexpected.

I remember sitting in the funeral place after my mum died in sheer disbelief that I was having to pick yet another coffin.

The shock is fucking horrendous. Just allow yourself to feel or not feel - and do not feel guilty or think there's anything wrong with you. There isn't.

Talk to Cruse if and when you are able. My gp offered me something to help me sleep, and I'm now on ad's.

I'm so sorry for your losses. My heart aches for you - grief is a total fucker and life is really unkind sometimes

passmethewineplease · 04/08/2017 21:50

Coco

I'm so sorry for your losses. Go easy on yourself you are not a horrible person!!!

Original poster

cocochanel21 · 04/08/2017 21:57

Thank all for replying.
I'm finding it very difficult to be with my family just now. A couple of my siblings were here earlier. Because of mum's illness I think for some of them it's a blessing which I understand. Dementia is an Awful illness she didn't really know us anymore. But because she would talk about dd I wasn't ready to let her go yet.

OP posts:

TestTubeTeen · 04/08/2017 22:11

This must be bringing back the death of your daughter like a ten tonne truck.

Your siblings are not dealing with what you are dealing with.

I don't think anyone who has not known it can comprehend the feeling of losing a child.

You need your DH,

But tell your siblings how you are feeling, if you can. They will understand, I hope.

It is so much loss, OP, there are no rules about how you should or could feel or how you express it.

Original poster

cocochanel21 · 04/08/2017 22:20

I'm frightened to let myself feel anything. I know I'm going to fall down that black hole again the same one I've been trying to get out of for the last 20mths.

OP posts:

Backingvocals · 04/08/2017 22:29

coco this is awful. I'm so sorry. You are dealing with so much. What's wrong with you is terrible grief and trauma. No wonder you can't feel what you think you 'should' feel.

Holding you in my thoughts tonight.

RandomMess · 04/08/2017 22:30

Just no words, your heart must be in pieces please be kind to yourself x

Rainbowqueeen · 04/08/2017 22:32

I'm so sorry.

Please be gentle on yourself, it almost sounds like you are in shock.

Sending you strength and hugs

CiderwithBuda · 04/08/2017 22:41

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry.

My mum died of dementia last year and to be honest it was a relief.

But I completely get why you don't feel that way. You were able to talk about your DD in the present tense. And now you can't. So it is like she has died all over again.

Can you talk to one family member and explain how you are feeling so that they can understand and let your siblings know? Your reactions and grief will be different to theirs.

Huge hugs.

Be gentle with yourself.

Original poster

cocochanel21 · 04/08/2017 23:07

CiderwithBuda Your right my mum was keeping her with me and now there both gone.
I can't go back there. Can't actually believe this is happening. I want to run away.

OP posts:

ferriswheel · 04/08/2017 23:11

I am so very, very sorry. You must be utterly devastated. I am so sorry.

SkyWalker95 · 04/08/2017 23:31

Im so sorry for your loss. Something very similar happened in my family 6 years ago. Best advice I can give is find a loss support group near you that can help you through this. It won't be easy but you'll survive, and I promise it does get better. Alot of them have like a buddy system. You get introduced to someone who has been through it a few years ago and so understands and you can talk to them any time day or night and they'll listen. Even if it's 2am and you just need a sob down the phone they'll understand because they were you 3 year ago. You will get through this ♥

mistermagpie · 04/08/2017 23:38

Oh god I'm so so sorry for both losses, you poor thing.

I have no advice except to say that whatever you are feeling right now is ok, do not let guilt in. I also think counselling would be important here, you have such a lot to process and it sounds like your mum's dementia had put a 'pause' on your grief for your daughter and now you have to grieve for them both.

Flip