how to support my 13 yr old dd after death of her paternal grandma....

[miku]

she was very close to her, we skyped often, and in the past 12 months has been to Japan 4 times- the last was for her funeral. whilst I cried my eyes out- she kept it together. I asked her if she was ok- she said she was just not thinking about it. She didn't eat much, didn't sleep much, and spent most of the time afterwards on whatsapp..... I think this is her way of dealing with it all. I had to return home early, she is coming back tomorrow with her dad. I am feeling a bit apprehensive, as we used to Skype at least every other week on a Saturday.....I am ready with cuddles. I am ready to have her outburst sometimes. Any other advice? such sad times. Im feeling a bit low meself.....

Having lost my dad last year who was very close to my 13 year old son I can only advise you on how he has behaved. Initially he appeared okay - the expected tears, etc. but then mostly alright. He would also spend a lot of time trying to cheer me up and make me laugh, broke my heart. Then about 6 months after he had a real dip, crying most nights and ranting and raving about different issues that once we talked it through, pretty much came down to the grief from losing his grandad. Same thing happened again about 3 months ago but he has been steady since then. Got a phone call from him on Wednesday night (he is staying with my mum in holidays) crying his eyes out as he had opened his grandmas phone to check the time at night and seen a picture of grandad. Lots of listening and soothing helped to calm him down as did cuddling his sleeping grandma.

Its really important to listen to them, don't feel like you have to come up with a solution as there isn't one but listening and letting them get it out and cry it out helps especially when you are there for cuddles and soothing words. Sorry you are going through this, sad times indeed.

thankyou Sherbertpips- helpful advise. Sorry for your loss too....I have a complicated family, so all my old folk are coming up to that time now, where there will be many more leaving us in the next 10 years or so. man.
Dont realise what a hole is left until that person has 'actually' gone.

your son sounds lovely though- glad he can talk to you about how he feels- kinda broke me a bit to hear about the photo- I guess that's how it triggers something though isn't it? a sudden reminder they aren't here any more.

From your Post it appears that Grandma live in Japan and the funeral took place there? Maybe ask your DH and DD if they would like something here especially to remember GM. Plant a tree or flowering plant, nice garden ornament, sponsor an animal or similar? To have something to focus on that is about GM. Even get a collection of favourite photos and do a collage to frame and put somewhere where DD can put a flower or plant or candle by.
Sorry for your loss.

Good idea FadedRed. Thank you. Im dreading the quietness of Saturday mornings with no phone-call or Skype tbh. yes we said goodbye in Japan....also feel like its the end of an era, of our connection with Japan. Grandpa is still there- he is a very different person- quiet- and heartbroken too. We will try to support him by continued Skype. But Granma was so lively- even though fighting her cancer pain........

Thank you for giving me an outlet to 'talk' about this....grief is weird isn't it. feel quite lonely with it

Grief is very weird, yes. No right or wrong way, everyone feels different, everyday feels different.
As children we spent a lot of summers in my parents home country, it is hard now to realise that, should we go back there, there is only a few cousins left nearby. All the 'old places' have changed and the close connections we had to it are gone. We've just become tourists in a place where we used to be family. It's very sad.

aw hug to you FadedRed. I understand totally. But it is still your place- just different. One thing that is coming out of this is the need to create connections with what I have now...its easy in life to just let stuff like that slip. I'm realising now is literally all we have. very clichéd, but , actually , its true!

Thanks for the hug, it's made my day!
I hope today goes OK for you, Miku, with your family coming home.
One thing that has happened and I find helpful, is that we are not afraid to mention DM casually, not in a sanctimonious way, but in conversation when something reminds us, especially a funny memory. For example, GM was a fierce card player, no messing about, so when we play cards as a family there is always someone who will say something like "Stack the cards properly, GM would have frowned at you" (nobody wants to be frowned at by GM), or making GM signature pudding for a family party, people will ask if a sufficient amount of alcohol went into it.
That sort of everyday rememberance might seem a bit difficult at first, almost not respectful, but it is far more natural and comforting that the real person is still part of everyday life, not some revered 'saint' that must only be talked about in reverential solemnity IYSWM.
(((Hug))) back. ]

Thank you FadedRed! a week later- and we are all very tired. DD not speaking about GM at all......but Im having my moments of full on tears......DD is just being a typical moody teenager, and its hard to find the balance, as she is being VERY rude, and its hard not to take her to task because Im not sure if this isn't her having feelings she cant deal with..... any hoo. We will get through xxx