When does it get easier?

[Spadequeen]

Just that really.

My dad died just under 2 months ago. I thought I was getting better but I've just read something lovely about him that a trade paper wrote and am floored again.

I just want to hide away from everyone and don't know what to do.

Yes it's when the colleagues or those that knew them professionally or their friends share their memories and you realise that the man wasn't just your dad, that he had meaning to others outside the family. Lost my dad 2 years ago now and it's still very hard, the loss hits me in waves every now and again and I still think about him every day. Much much worse for my mum left behind and lonely at 86.
Thinking of you.

It is easier though now, 2 months is no time at all.

I think it's harder now. When he died I went into coping mode, now I feel lost but feel I just need to get on with everything

I mean easier now after 2 years, 2 months is still so recent and raw, but yes you have the immediate coping time, then after the funeral life around you tries to get back to normal but for you it's just not as you knew it before, there is that enormous bit missing. I understand, but something kicks in and you learn somehow to keep on going for him as though he's still around, still part of what makes you you. I still imagine Dad being part of everything I do, watching and sharing.

Sorry. Thanks Janika

I don't think it ever gets easier. You just learn different ways to endure and gradually develop different ways to cope with the loss. For each person the grieving takes different forms. I wish I had joined some sort of grieving group where I could have spoken to people who understood.

I was only 23 when I lost my Dad. I had 2 tiny children and I told myself that he would not want me to cry. So for many years I did not. I tried to live my life how he wanted me to. I think now that was a mistake. It is 43 years and I cry more for him now, I think because I did not allow myself to grieve properly before.

I hope you can find someone to talk to, not someone who will tell you to "get over it"

Two months is such a short time, and not to make you feel worse, there will be moments again, a year, two years from now that will bring it all back. And it's not bad.

My DH died just over a year ago, and I find it's other people's memories of him that bring it all back. It's not that my grief is mundane, but knowing how significant he was to others gets to me. I'm about to listen to a radio show, with a special dedication to him, and I'm welling up in anticipation as I write this.

for you, Spade

Thanks all. So sorry to hear about your losses xx

Hi spadequeen, firstly so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 13 years ago this year when I was in my early 20s. Much of that early time straight awterwards seems like a blur, I remember counting the weeks since it happened for ages afterwards. I agree that 2 months is no time at all and it's all so raw for you.

Small things that happened floored me too, like finding a receipt for a bottle of oasis drink that he bought just weeks before he died. I spoke with my Mum a lot around that time and felt like I dealt with what happened.

There are times when I feel the fact he's not here more than others such as our wedding day and now that we have a son that he would have adored. I wouldn't describe it as being easier but more that I am used to the situation. I still can't get my head around the fact I won't ever see him again though.

It's so hard, but try to be patient and kind to yourself and accept how you feel.

Thanks everyone. I've had a better day today. Luckily everyone around me is being lovely and supportive, I think I'm being to hard on myself. I'm not very good at showing emotion or weakness and letting people help me.

So sorry for your loss, I am going through similar. My dad died four weeks ago, I am going from shock, to disbelief and anger. He was working the day before he was taken ill in a job he loved. He was so happy and full of life, determined to live long enough to see my dd go to university. I keep hearing his voice in my head :(

So sorry spidereye. It's just so shit. There are no other words for it

I'm so sorry for your loss It's an incredibly shit time, there's no way to sugarcoat it. But it will get better, I promise.

I lost my dad last year and found it very hard, especially 2-3 months after, when you feel like you're expected to 'go back to normal'.

I stopped talking to people and became depressed, and really struggled to cope with living without him. What helped me massively was finding the right people to talk to, and being open with them about my feelings. It was hard, but I found talking really did help, and allowing myself to cry whenever I needed to.

I also try and talk about my Dad as much as I can, and I find that I laugh (he was a very funny man) more than I cry now when I think or talk about him.

It will get easier with time, but like the other posters said, it's about learning to live without him.

Spadequeen, would it help to talk on here about your Dad? Sometimes writing about someone can be very therapeutic.

I found that people In Real life became embarrassed when I wanted to talk about my dad. He had such a hard life but he was so funny, so generous and a friend to every kid he met. At his funeral so many people spoke about the things he did and said, afterwards it was like a brick wall came down.

So sorry you've lost your dad. It's shit.

In answer to your OP I found 7 years was the point at which I could get through the anniversary without feeling sad.

2 months is no time at all. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I wish I could say soon, but I lost my brother last September and the grief comes and goes like waves. I'll feel ok for a few weeks and then I'll hit another sad spot.

There are no rules when it comes to grief. I think a lot depends on the circumstances and your relationship, and the type of person you are.

I have struggled with a lot of mixed emotions and regret/guilt because he died by suicide. I started counselling in may, and quite often apparently people tend to seek counselling months or even years after a death, because sooner than this the emotions are too raw to process.

On thing I will advise is don't try to suppress/deny your emotions and grief. I have learned to just go with it if it is appropriate to do so. This week I have had a bit of a cry on both my parents and my dps shoulder. I have also now started to go to his grave and talk to him - it is given me the chance to say all the things to him that I wish I'd said when he was alive.

Unfortunately grief is so hard and painful, but it is a process we have to go through. 💐

Thanks again everyone. I do find it hard to let emotions out and with this I worry that if I start I'll never stop.

The trouble is I'm having over the top reactions to things that are nothing to do with dad. For instance today at work, I started to get a bollocking for something if not done (turned out to be a misunderstanding and all was fine) and I started crying and then have not been able to get over it all day. In fact I'm pretty close to tears right now. Ridiculous and totally unprofessional. The trouble is I don't know how to grieve. Does that make sense?

It makes sense because nothing in our life ever prepares us for grief. There are no rules, no handbook, no clever words that people can say to make it better. I think it is a form of shock that your mind and body does not know how to react to. I hope that you have people around you for comfort and understanding.

I think your reaction to something (small as you say) is normal. I was exactly the same and still am. My sister passed away 24/12/2015 and I still get very chocked up now talking about her x