Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Funerals and very small children

38 replies

mytimewillcome · 29/07/2017 11:52

Is there anyone who had to go to their parent's funeral when they were Under 10? Mine are 7 and 5 and they may have to go to their dad's funeral (we were separated) but I'm wondering if seeing the coffin being lowered into the ground is going to traumatise them? Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
mytimewillcome · 30/07/2017 11:56

I just wanted to add I've never been to a funeral so I am clueless as to what to expect. Do they do slideshows in the uk? I imagine that would be very upsetting for them as they will figure quite heavily in it.

OP posts:
TheDuckSaysMoo · 30/07/2017 12:10

My niece and nephew were 5 & 6 when they attended their dad's funeral. The only went to the church service and the wake - not the crematorium. I think that was the right balance.

What happens at the service will be up to his family. Some are celebrations of life with uplifting music, stories, songs, slideshows etc. Some are sombre religious affairs or anything in between. Although you don't get on with your ex in laws it would be worth having a brief chat with them to ask them what they are planning so that you can prepare the children or ask them to have that conversation with the kids. Their grief and the grief of your children is what is most important now rather than your relationship with them. Take the high ground if at all possible and take pity.

My condolences to you and your children Flowers

Bumdishcloths · 30/07/2017 12:16

A fathers funeral is upsetting at ANY age (I was 27) but if they were my children I would want them to attend, it's a massively intrinsic part of saying goodbye and getting closure. I have attended numerous funerals since I was about 6 and although they were all very bewildering and upsetting, I don't think they're exactly traumatising, more something very different that a child needs to adjust to. Very sorry for your collective loss.

Heroicallylost · 30/07/2017 12:24

I took my DS (just 3) to his dad's funeral and burial last year. I explained to him what was going on before, during and we've talked about it after several times.

Nelson's Journey gave me good advice and suggested story books to fit our situation which helped DS process a lot. General advice seems to be to bring children - it gives them a chance to grieve, be part of it, see what physically happens to the body. Later they might ask why they weren't there if they're not given the chance to go. I'm glad I took my boy.

I think the issue here is more about whether you should go? Sounds like your children really should go as they want to, and if I were you I'd absolutely want to be there with them to support them through it and explain what's going on. You can't avoid them feeling upset - whether they watch a slide show of photos or not the feelings are going to be there, and the important thing is to let them express those feelings and to be accepting of them. The funeral is probably going to provide a good place to stir up those feelings and let them out. If family is going to be difficult maybe tell them in advance that you'll be there to support your children but will stay in the background as this day is about remembering their dad?

Hope you all find a way through Flowers

Bumdishcloths · 30/07/2017 12:24

Also slide shows are very uncommon in the UK so I would try not to worry too much about that. If it's a church service it will run entirely differently to a humanist ceremony so you might want to research both and explain to the children what to expect, in an age appropriate way - e.g. Catholic mass there will be incense, and prayers, and hymns and a eulogy. C of E, prayers and hymns and eulogy. Humanist ceremonies vary a lot. Not terribly helpful I know, but if you've not been to a funeral before it helps to know what to expect, whatever your age.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/07/2017 12:34

I've never seen a slideshow in the UK at a funeral, no - maybe at the wake, but never at a church service or the crematorium.

How the funeral works will depend a lot on the family's preference, and whether they're having a church service, one at the crematorium or something else. Burial at the cemetery tends to be quite a short event after a church service/humanist ceremony; a crematorium service can last around half an hour if they're doing the whole thing, or only about 10-15 minutes if it's after a church service.

If you know which funeral home is dealing with it, ring them and ask them what the game plan is - then you'll be better prepared. If there is any member of ex-H's family who is still polite to you, then maybe contact them and ask them what to expect.

Original poster
mytimewillcome · 30/07/2017 18:35

I think the compromise will be to go to the church service and not the wake which will almost definitely be at their house. The only problem I have is with his parents and the fact that I will be given a hostile reception based on what she has told them. I will take someone with me but probably sit in the back apart from the children but there if they need me. Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
Gurraun · 05/08/2017 06:52

I attended my mother's funeral when I was 9. I only have hazy memories of it (and the whole run up to it). However I think I needed to go to make her sudden death real. I don't have traumatic memories (and was there at actual burial) and actually get comfort from knowing that there were literally over 100 people there did it was a real demonstration of how loved she was.

Phillipa12 · 05/08/2017 07:08

My son can remember his sisters funeral, she was 3 he was 5, he remembers the nice parts (there werent any). What he remembers is being surrounded by lots of family and friends, he went to the wake and his reception class had finished early that day to allow them to attend the wake, and they all ran around and played in the garden, still to this day every child still talks about how good Pippas party was. My eldest whenever it comes up says that the first part was sad but it was nice to say goodbye, but the party was pretty cool.....and then when his gran died last year when he was 8 he was not allowed to attend as grandad said funerals are no places for children, i did remind him about the previous funeral but didnt push it.

Mum2jenny · 27/08/2017 21:12

Difficult as I took my dd to my dads funeral at 8 months, and both my dcs to ILS funerals without any issues (both under 10) but the one I'm dreading most is my DMs funeral this week and they are both (technically) adults.
Sorry to all for their loss Flowers but I feel small children can be much more resilient than they are given credit for in such scenarios.

Liadain · 27/08/2017 21:15

I think if the children want to go, that is your answer there. Whatever the feelings between you and the family, that is their dad, and the funeral may help them process it. In the future they could be very upset looking back on it, if they weren't allowed to go.

Whether you personally should go is a different matter.

Mum2jenny · 27/08/2017 21:20

I was very upset not to be allowed to go to one of my grandparents funerals because I was too young and I have resented it for the rest of my life.
I'd say it really does depend on each situation and the maturity of the child what is the right response

llangennith · 27/08/2017 23:04

Church service yes.
Cemetery no.
And straight home after the church service.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page