Funerals and very small children

[mytimewillcome]

Is there anyone who had to go to their parent's funeral when they were Under 10? Mine are 7 and 5 and they may have to go to their dad's funeral (we were separated) but I'm wondering if seeing the coffin being lowered into the ground is going to traumatise them? Thanks.

Too early, I think. Provided you have parental responsibility they do not have to go anywhere. I presume that it is the in laws pushing for it (which is of course understandable). Perhaps a compromise where they go to the ceremony (with you there to support them) but you leave before the burial would be appropriate?

I forgot to say how sorry I am for them

Child Bereavement UK have a really good website with advice on this, so do the charity Cruse, and if you ring them they not only are really good to talk to they can also send you out resources for the right age range to help prepare for funerals. I've found their materials really good in the past. So sorry you have to deal with this.

I took my 5 year old to the church service but not the burial of a family member, could you ask someone to come with you and take them straight to the reception venue after the service?

I went to a funeral recently where the children of the deceased were 8 and 10. I think it was very traumatic for them, but I think they also derived some comfort from so many people turning out to remember all of the wonderful things about their mother.

I also went to a funeral where the children of the woman who had passed away were around 6 and 12. The twelve year old was more distressed than the six year old tbh - the little one didn't seem to fully understand what was going on. I do remember that she clung tightly to her teddy through the service, and hope that it gave her some comfort.

I'm so sorry that your children have lost their dad. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about whether they should attend the funeral or not. You knew them best and you should make that judgement. FWIW, if I were in your situation, I would take them.

Winston's wish also have advise and a helpline. I know a lot of people say it helps children to say goodbye and come to terms with a death if they attend a funeral. However I think it does depend on the child and the circumstances and you are best placed to know this. We decided not to take my 5yr old to his sisters funeral as he had already said goodbye in hospital before she died (as we knew she was going) and we thought seeing everyone else upset would upset him more. He had already seem to accept her death though. PP suggestion of service not burial seems a good compromise?

I would recommend looking at the resources a pp has listed. But at that age I believe the advice would be to let your children make the decision, or at least discuss it with them. Of course it might be traumatic, but being denied the opportunity to say goodbye could also be something that would stay with them for a long time.
Fwiw we gave our five your old the option of going to her grandmother's funeral, and she decided not to.
And, very sorry for your/their loss. Regardless of your relationship, losing the father of your children must be hard.

Sad to hear of your children's bereavement. I would take them. If it becomes too much for them, you can leave.

I went to my brother's (open casket) funeral when I was 6 and it was definitely the right decision. I would have felt so shut out and excluded otherwise. It was my loss too.

First post has reminded that I forgot to say we did ask DS if he wanted to go and he said no so that was our main driver for not taking him

I'm sorry your children have lost their dad. I instinctively lean towards taking children to funerals as an opportunity to make it 'real' and say goodbye. We took our 5 year old and baby to their great grandma's funeral but my sister chose not to take her 9 and 7 year old. Different choices are right for different children. I did the eulogy and was confident I wouldn't be overwhelmed with emotion. It wasn't such a close relationship as a parent though.

Each family is different and each situation unique but during the actual funerals and burials, my children have been otherwise occupied in some other location. I think some people find it distasteful/weird to have small children and babies at a funeral.

My children have however attended the 'family occasion' parts just not the actual service during which extreme silence as a mark of respect would be expected. They are very good and cope well in regular church services but we felt it was not right for them to be colouring or playing with little toys during such a solemn service and that it might offend other relatives if they did so.

At most family funerals, I have been busy in some way during the ceremony - reading a lesson/poem, crying helplessly, helping some other relative.

I don't think considerations about other people should be a consideration when the funeral is for the children's own father. It should be about what is best for the kids, whatever that might be.

Personally I don't agree that young children spoil a funeral for other mourners. Several people at my grandma's funeral commented how lovely it was to have our children there. The baby made some happy type noises during the service and people responded favourably. If he'd cried or been disruptive my husband would have taken him out. An expectation of 'extreme silence' sounds very forbidding.

I agree with the above - in the case of heir own father's funeral the only consideration should be what is in their best interests.

The dses were 8, 6 and 4 when my dad died. They came to the funeral with us - that was in dad's local church - but didn't come to the ceremony at the crematorium.

My lovely MIL came with us, so there were three of us in the church with the boys, in case of any problems, and then she took them back to mum's house after the get-together/buffet afterwards, and stayed with them until we got back from the crematorium.

They all coped with it very well - we had talked about it beforehand, at age-appropriate levels, and they all wanted to be there.

I guess it depends on the children, and what the service is going to be like. We definitely did not want the boys at the crematorium, and probably wouldn't have had them there at the interment, if he had been buried, but we felt it was the right thing for them to be at the service, and say goodbye to their grandfather.

I asked my boys if they wanted to attend their grandad' funeral. My 11yo said he did and my 7yo said no, it would be too sad.
I think children are quite good at judging this for themselves- that was the advice we were given and it seemed to work out right.

Talk to your children and ask them about it. Do you or they have any idea what their Dad would have wanted as his funeral? Are any of you religious? What do you and the children believe about what happens after death? Have they had any other experience of death? Do they have a chance to discuss this with someone from their Dad's family? Is he dead already?
I am sorry that you and your family have to deal with this. The best thing you can do is to keep talking them... Surround them with love and they will be cushioned as much as they can be and allowing them to talk about it will help.

I went to a good friend's husband's funeral a couple of years ago. Their boys were 5 and 2 at the time, and both were there - it wasn't a church funeral but held at the crematorium, and there was no lowering of the coffin anywhere, but a curtain came around afterwards.

Before it started, the 5yo was very blasé about the whole thing so we thought he didn't really understand.

However, as is the custom (I've discovered) at some Australian funerals, there was a slide show of the deceased person's life - and midway through this, the 5yo started wailing fit to bust (understandably) for his Daddy. It nearly destroyed most of us there, to be fair, and his aunt and uncle had to take him and calm him as much as possible. His younger brother was, thankfully, asleep but I'm not sure it did his mum's nerves any good. :(

So that's my experience. Hope it helps you make a decision and so very sorry that you're having to make such a hard one

I didn't attend my brother's funeral at the age of 5. I wasn't given the option and resented this for a long time growing up.

As he died during the school recess, his class mates had a special mass for him when they returned for the new term.

It felt like everyone was accommodated and allowed to participate in the formal rituals around burial/grieving, except me.

I don't resent it as an adult, and fully understand my parents reasoning now, but didn't growing up. Because I was so young, and my brother had been ill throughout my lifetime, I never even realised he was dying. I was just told one day he had died, and That Was It.

So I think a lot depends on the circumstances here, OP? Was your ex ill? If so, did the children know how serious it was or were they completely unprepared for his death?

Will you be going to the funeral with them? If so, do you think you'll be relatively composed?

A PP had suggested going for the ceremony, but skipping the interment. That sounds like a good compromise. I don't think anyone reasonable would object to two young children not being present for that element of proceedings.

My beloved grandfather died when I was 7 and I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral. I am still gutted about it nearly 30 years later. I think it depends on the individual child. Death isn't scary, it is just part of life.

I'd really recommend Frog and the Birdsong by Max Velthujis to address death in a matter of fact way for small children.

My dad died when I was 6. I went to his memorial mass but there was no interment or commital as he left his body to science. I'm glad I was involved in the service. I went to my uncle's funeral at the crematorium when I was 2 and was ok. Personally I find leaving children out of funerals very strange but that's opinion/experience not set in stone rules. I think having experienced childhood bereavement the best thing is whatever is least distressing for the children both now and going forward. Winston's Wish are great for information.

He wasn't ill it came out of the blue. There is a lot of bad blood between me and his mother and she has ban mouthed me to all her friends so I would be like walking into a lions den for me. They also live hundreds of miles from us. It would take 3 hours plus to get there. The children have said they want to go. People who know me and the situation have said that they don't think it's a good idea to attend as I would be dealing with the children's feelings; my feelings and the hostility from his family and friends.

Someone has suggested them doing something separately with his family which I think is a good idea. However there is also the flip side of me not attending the funeral of someone I was married to and had children with. It's a very difficult decision.

Is there anyone else who can go with you (your mum, siblings?) for moral support? Or will the kids be ok with their Dad's family for the service and you collect them afterwards? I think I would let them go if they have expressed they want to otherwise they might resent you for it but can understand your reservations. It's not an easy thing.

If the children want to go, I think you need to try and facilitate that but I totally agree that you need to take another adult with you for protection/support as well!
Is there someone who would be willing and able to go with you?