My son

[LCA13TJA15]

My beautiful boy passed away in his sleep last year due to natural courses. I found him at 3am in his bed.
He was to old to be classed as cot death.
He was a healthy very typical three an half year old.
We are devastated and are trying to deal with it. We have a two year old too. (He was 18months when I lost my eldest) But silly comments are starting to drive us made such as my other son is a gift and how we were meant to have him. I just want to scream 'why does everyone have all their children and you don't call them gifts so why is my son a gift.' Or times a healer.
It isn't. For me the length of time is just a reminder of how long it has been since I last time heard my baby say mum or hug me or drive me insane and then to point I am about to go mad make me laugh with a cheeky smile and then all is forgotten.

I was meant to have two sons. I still have two sons just my eldest isn't here anymore. Which is hard enough. The fact is if I woke up a bit earlier we could of saved him.

We also want to have another baby. I always wanted three. Not because I have two boys and want a girl. I just always wanted three. I would keep going if we could afford it. Someone said to me are you only having a third as my second needs a sibling! I am not having another to replace my son. These comments put me off trying for a third.

Is anyone else going through the same?

Sorry about the long post. I am new on here.

Oh how absolutely awful for you, I can feel your heartache.

Would you like to share your sons name?

People say such glib things, they just don't think.

xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've experienced loss, but nothing as terrible as the loss of a child. My heart breaks for you, I'm so sorry,

I always think that the hardest bit of grief is when everything goes 'back to normal' and everyone expects you to be back to normal too, without realising your life will never be 'normal' again.

People, in the main, aren't trying to be nasty, most are just trying to say the right thing (they don't realise that there's nothing that anyone can say that would make anything 'right'), some are just thoughtless. Most people really do care though.

Are you getting on-going counselling/support?

I'm so sorry. We lost twins as they were born premature. It's not the same, but I've been astounded by the stupid and insensitive things people have said to us.

Sending you

People say such insensitive things- you're going through hell- I'm so sorry for your loss op.
Sending you

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must be suffering. Your beautiful boy.

I'm sorry about all the stupid comments. People can be stupid. All you can do is look inside and find what's in your heart and listen to that.

Love and strength to you.

I'm so sorry I can't imagine the pain of loosing a child, sometimes people say the oddest things as they don't know what else to say and feel akward, sometimes it's best to say very little.

Don't worry about what others say, do what is right for you and your family no need to justify to anyone, try not to blame yourself for what happened. Be kind to yourself and worry about what suits you and your family.

Thank you for your messages.
It is hard everyday. Some days are harder. Every hour is different.
I know people mean well and if it wasn't me in this situation and someone else I would probably say something stupid.
It is hard when we walk into a room and you can see everyone feeling sorry for us and little whispers.
We have never been a couple who wanted to be centre of attention and I feel we are now for all the wrong reasons.
Again if it wasn't me I would be doing the same. It is horrible to say but I wish it was someone else and not me. All we did was put our boy to bed like every other night.

We are very private and now feel the world and his wife now know about us. We just want our old life back

Op again I'm so sorry for your loss- have you been able to make contact with other people who have lost a dc I'm
Not sure but maybe being able to have an open frank dialogue with another person who might be experiencing the same responses from others could be cathartic in some small way maybe.
Thinking of you op xxx

Sorry for your loss

I lost Dd1 20 mths ago at the time I was pregnant with Dd2. When she died it was reported in the local news and also the newspapers. It was awful. When we went out I felt everyone was talking about us. Months later we had to deal with a court case and have it all dragged up again.

I like to think most people are sympathetic but don't really know what to say. I lost friends over comments that were made and could never be took back when my dd died.
Don't let comments put you off having another child.
Take Care.

Thank you for your messages.
I am so sorry for the loss of you little one too @cocochanel21 I can't imagine going through a painful court case as well. The inquest was enough for us.

I haven't seek any help as I feel my main question is why did my healthy little boy die? The pathologist couldn't even answer that for me.

I am having a better week so far and feel a little less emotional. It maybe because we have had a three busy weeks and had a nice chilled one this week so we haven't had anyone one saying stupid comments.
It is such a roller coaster of emotions. I am guessing that is how it will always be.
Thank you again.

I too am sorry for your loss and fully understand how you feel having lost a child under the same circumstances myself 4 years ago. I also lost friends and a close member of my family because of the things they said to me at the time. For me, it has taken until this year to feel better about it. At one time I could not see me ever coming through my grief and whilst I am obviously always going to be very sad I do not feel consumed with it all as I had been until recently. For me there was also an element of traumatic stress syndrome I believe - the whole ambulance crews, resuscitation attempts, hospital, police that were involved kept coming back to me and in particular the doctor who announced her time of death when all attempts to bring her back had failed.
No body can understand what it is like to lose a child until it happens to them and no body can expect you to get over it in the space of a couple of days. I promise you though, one day soon you will realise that it is not as raw as it felt for the first few years and you will be able to speak about him sometimes without crying.
If you feel you can cope with the emotions that a pregnancy entails then you should go ahead and do it.Bringing a new little life into you family may be just the thing to help you. I feel so sorry for you I really do.

im sorry that should have read a couple of years

@SlightlyfreakedouT1 that sounds exactly the same as the night I lost my son.
We had two ambulances and an ambulance car. 5/6 paramedics just trying to save him.
I knew he was gone as soon as I found him. I tried to resuscitate and so did my partner. My baby was screaming in his cot at the time too. He was 18months at the time so he won't remember that night.
I can't help but think about if he was here what we would be doing. If my baby would be different. They had such a close bond from day 1. No jealousy just love. My eldest was always so protective of his little brother. Every pic he has an arm round him, holding hands. We never had to ask him to do it. The baby would just follow him around all the time.
I like to think that would still be their relationship.
I am the same when I hear an ambulance. It sends a shiver down my spine and brings that night all back again.
We always wanted a third and I like the close age gap. Not as close as my first two but I always though I would be pregnant by now with my third. Work out perfect for school/nursery and mat leave.
I can't help but blame myself as well. I just keep thinking I should have known as a mother. I should off sensed something.

Exactly the same experience for me and I also had 4 other older children in the house when it happened (4.30 am Valentines Day).I have literally tortured myself for the last 4 years with these type of thoughts. I do not know why or how but I have managed to come through it all but I have thank god. There have been times where but for the fact I have 3 other children I just wanted to die. I paid for a couple of counselling sessions that did nothing to help and avoided speaking to any of these groups that are recommended as I really did not think that sitting in a room full of other grieving parents would help me. In hindsight, maybe it would have helped me to deal with it better if I had - I dont know. All I know is that you will eventually feel like you can live with it. At the moment I expect you are still living with the outright shock of the situation. I split with my partner 2 years after it happened and then became menopausal so having another child was not an option and I do not think I could have coped with the anxiety of a pregnancy either. I do still have times when I get very emotional about losing my daughter but I know that I have made huge steps in terms of not letting it define me anymore - I am never going to get over it but I am learning to live with it.

That's how I feel. If my baby wasn't here neither would I. I love and breathe through my boys. They are my world.
Everything I did was planned around them. Especially my first born. Our life was planned around his routine. He had started nursery school. Which he loved. He only did 7 weeks before he died.
I even feel guilty for going back to work after nearly two years off. I only work three mornings and I took him every morning to nursery however if I was a stay at home mum still I could off done every pick up and would of had more time with him.
He is missing out on so much. I have a very close group of friends and we for some reason all had boys one after the other. My son was the second to be born out of my friends babies. Within a year we had a little gang of 6. It was amazing. They were all become such good friends. This I am finding the hardest. When I see them all playing when we are on a play date or when they are with their siblings. (Three of us had our second born a few months apart. Both boys again.)
When they heard the use about their sons getting into reception or nursery school I was happy for them but just kept thinking how I wish I was getting that news and he should be here.
I don't think you will ever get over it and I don't believe time is a healer as that to me just defines how long it has been since I last heard my sons voice, had a cuddle with him. Kissed him goodnight. Waking him up for nursery (if his brother hadn't snuck in to their room and woke him already!) but we are learning to live a new life a life we don't want but have to carry on for my other son. The only thing I am grateful for is that my baby won't remember that night. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that he won't remember his brother but that night or period of time is. It a memory I want him to have.

It has taken a toll on our relationship too. Some days I just can't see us staying together than others I don't know how I would get through this without him.
We are going through something I never imagined we would. The thought wouldn't have ever enter my head.
I feel he needs counselling as he doesn't speak about that night at all or how he is feeling. He is an amazing father and my boys adore him. He is hurting inside but I don't know if it is a mans way of dealing with it or he just is protecting me in his own way.
I have spoke to him about counselling but he just says yeah I'll sort it.

I am crying reading this.

Nothing useful to add I'm afraid ...

I'm so sorry.

People are insensitive - I don't think it's deliberate but born from not knowing what to say to someone who has suffered unimaginable loss so say something rather than nothing.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I cannot imagine the heartbreak you have experienced and just want you to know that I am thinking of you xx

Thank you xxx

Its every parents worst nightmare and my heart goes out to all of you who have lost a child. I can only imagine the horrors you have gone through and are still dealing with. I don't think people mean to be insensitive, although some of the comments are stupid. They probably just don't know the best thing to say, so just say what they think might help.
I wish I had some words of comfort but I'm sending big hugs instead. I hope you find some sort of peace eventually