Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

Original poster

Feeling Guilty

15 replies

feelsguilty · 23/03/2007 06:43

I had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago and don't get me wrong I feel sad about what has happened but am starting to feel guilty that I am getting on with things and not thinking about what has happened.
I cried and was devastated on the day I had the scan to tell me that things weren't right but since then people ask how I am and I tell people I'm fine which I feel I am but then after talking to people I feel guilty with myself for feeling fine.
Sorry needed to get this out as I don't feel right talking about this to someone in rl

OP posts:

DimpledThighs · 23/03/2007 07:35

m/c takes everyone in different ways - feel ing guilty may be one of your ways of doing it. There is no right way and wrong way. I have been through it myself and spent a long time being really mean to myself for not 'doing' or 'feeling' right. I regret that now.

I want to say to you that you have had a horrible thing happen to you and you may still have hormones raging. The most important thing is that you go about things in the way that feels best for you. It is you dealing with this, you going through it. No one should be judging you.

Be nice to yourself. Really.

lizziemun · 23/03/2007 08:02

Don't feel guilty, i had a miscarriage last June and like you i cried they day or two it happened but i felt fine after that and carried on as normal.

I can only say i think i knew from the time i found out that i was pg that something was wrong with the baby and the pg wouldn't work.

Don't forget to take care of yourself.

EllieG · 23/03/2007 10:08

Don't feel bad - everyone is different and like they say, there is no 'right' way to feel. Don't beat yourself up for not feeling bad enough! There's nothing wrong with coming to terms with stuff if it's done in your own time x

Original poster

feelsguilty · 23/03/2007 10:24

Thanks, I do have the view that there must have been something wrong and it was my body's way of dealing and it was probably for the best but when I talk to people I wonder if I should be more upset (or if they think I should be).
Also in a way I want to forget about it and move on

OP posts:

FioFio · 23/03/2007 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

suedonim · 23/03/2007 15:42

Don't feel guilty, FG. I had an m/c and like you was sad for a short time but got over it pretty quickly, fact of life and so on. I can understand why you feel guilty - when others talk of their 'angels' and anniversaries and due dates etc it somehow makes one seem lacking if you don't share those sentiments. But each to their own and there's no right way to cope with such issues.

Original poster

feelsguilty · 23/03/2007 15:52

Thank you suedonim I think you're right about angels & aniversaries as most people I have talked to have talked about theirs and remember the dates etc but I am the sort of person that will probably forget the dates etc
I had a comment to me made about skiving off work too which really p'd me off

OP posts:

suedonim · 23/03/2007 16:13

Oh, what a charming person, FG.

Tbh, I can't even recall what month it was when I miscarried - either November or March, I think. Don't worry yourself over this, you can't change how you feel and it won't make any difference anyway.

nh101 · 24/03/2007 21:42

Just wanted to say this thread has made me feel so much better about how I am dealing with my mc. I have been fine too, a bit up and down obviously but nowhere near as devastated as I thought I would be on Tuesday the night before our scan which confirmed the baby had died (I'd been bleeding). It is only three days later now and I have been worried that the mc is going to hit me soon and I won't be able to cope but reading this thread has made me realise that falling apart is not always inevitable. Maybe I will be fine after all.

I am very sad but feel positive for the future. FG I think you have been very brave and that you are probably dealing with it far better than those that remember the dates etc. How we women beat ourselves up though eh? Even when we are coping well we think we are doing it wrong!

Original poster

feelsguilty · 25/03/2007 08:19

nh101 - sorry to hear of your loss
like you I keep waiting to fall apart over what has happened but I haven't yet.
People keep saying that I am being brave - I don't feel brave just am dealing with one another of things that life throws at me.

OP posts:

nh101 · 25/03/2007 09:42

I was very down last night and cried for the first time since Thursday (mc happened on Wed). My DH went out to a cousin's 21st, just for a couple of hours cos he is running a half-marathon today for cystic fibrosis trust (my neice has CF - like you say, another thing that life throws at you) and he wanted to collar people for sponsorship.

But I spent the evening MNing which kept me away from the wine which I think is a good thing. Drinking too much is not making me feel any better even though it feels good in the short-term to indulge in something I couldn't when I was PG!

I have woken up this morning bright as anything. I couldn't face the party last night (too much sympathy all in one room) but I am feeling fit for church this morning which i didn't think I would. I am dancing around to Prince and Beats International and feeling excited about being PG again in a couple of months.

I am going to organise a 30th birthday for myself in the meantime (something else I wouldn't have done if I'd been PG - who wants to sober at their own party? not me!). It will be a couple of months early but I am sure everyone will understand. I plan to be PG again by the time I turn 30.

Looking forward to that.

Stay positive FG - I think you have a great attitude. People say that 'It's happened for the best' and 'it just wasn't meant to be' doesn't make you feel any better but actually it has made me feel better to think that.

Sorry for the long message - I am a talker as other MNers will testify! (I think I am setting some sort of record this week!)

I am even dancing around to 'I wanna have your babies' by Natasha Bedingfield now - the irony!

Original poster

feelsguilty · 25/03/2007 09:59

I know what you mean about seeing lots of people when I first found out I couldn't go into work until everyone knew and I also kpet away from other large gatherings but told a few close friends and asked them to let people know for me.
I too am 30 this year and also have a lot of stressful things going on at the moment so we are going to wait to ttc for a while. One of the things I am going to do is have a big party for my 30th (not sure dh knows this though )
I keep trying to keep my positive thinking and that it happened for a reason etc but sometimes you can't help thinking if I didn't do this ir that but I guess I'll never know and it has happened so will see what we get thrown next!
Keep positive and dancing around! I would if I didn't wobble so much!!

OP posts:

Gess · 25/03/2007 10:03

FG- don't worry- just go with how you feel. I had a m/c at 8 weeks afew years ago. I felt physically ill afterwards (had raging throat infection), but I have no idea now when it was (sometime between ds1 and ds2), or when the baby was due. It wasn't particularly pleasant, but it was to me just one of those things. I realised there were many things that would have made it more difficult (fears of infertility, if it had been my first etc), but they weren't factors. There's no 'right' way to feel.

nh101 · 25/03/2007 12:45

FG, you have a big party and enjoy it! I too think 'did I do something?' but like you said you can't know and I also think 'even if it was something I did, I didn't do it on purpose and there was no way to know not to do it' so there's no point worrying about that.

Stay positive cos next time everything will probably be fine and you'll end up with a baby you'd probably never have had otherwise. And how exciting is that?

Tommy · 25/03/2007 12:48

agree with the others - there is no "right" way to feel - these things affect us all in different ways. When I had my M/C I was very upset on the day, then I felt better for a few days , then I felt sad again and then, 6 months later I had a really huge cry about it all which really shocked me as I thought I had "got over" it.

Flip