What could I give?

[frazzled3ds]

My three children are good friends with two lovely lads at school (ages 6 & 9) who very sadly lost their wonderful Dad yesterday. Their equally lovely Mum has asked for my boys to go over after school today to play for a bit. I'd like to take a small gift of some kind for them all but not really sure what to take. I'm thinking of a small plant arrangement for their Mum, and maybe some biscuits and tea type stuff, and then maybe some Lego or something similar for the boys.

Does anyone have any suggestions on things I could take? I don't want to go OTT with it all, I know that the friendship of my boys will be an important thing right now for them and more of a priority. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

Could you grab some decent ready meals/easy to cook food? My lovely friend lost her dp and had children of a similar age and she said the flowers etc were lovely but the best things were the home cooked/ready meals, pre packed salads, snacks and prepared fruit and veg as she could feed the kids (and herself but mainly kids) without any effort but also knew they'd at least had some fruit

You sound like a lovely friend

I echo the food/fruit suggestion. Just things to pick at for the mum and some ready meals for the boys. You sound lovely.

Thank you both for the suggestions. So far I've got a little box of Lego for each of the boys (character things suggested by my boys) and a planter with some lovely colourful flowers in. Hadn't thought of ready meals, fruit etc, will try and pick some up before we go over later, or perhaps get a basket together in a couple of days time of some foodie type bits - will get some input from my boys again on the sorts of foods her children like.

Can I also suggest doing something similar a couple of days after the funeral?
Somehow adrenaline and being busy keeps you going until then and those days post funeral when it seems like everyone else has resumed normal life but yours will never be normal again are bloody awful!

Thank you Avebury, that's a great suggestion. In the end I took the Lego, planter and a basket filled with fruit, a stir fry veg pack, some noodles and sauces, biscuits and chocolate.

I also learned that he actually passed away on Friday, sadly having taken his own life after a deep and debilitating battle with depression. His lovely children and wife are being so so brave, her mum has come over from her home country to stay for a few weeks, as has her brother, though he returns home tomorrow.

This lovely lady is such a sweet and gentle woman, and commented today how she is finding out now just how many friends she has. The next few weeks will be very tough, and life will be a different one from here on too for her and her boys. Watching them play and race around laughing with mine this afternoon though was comforting in many ways, and I'm so proud of how my lads have stepped up, rallying classmates to make a card, and promising to keep an eye, offer a hug and generally just be there for their friends.

This has brought tears to my eyes. Depression is such a hideous illness.
Poor man, family and friends.

I echo food, but as others said after the funeral when everyone seems to fade away. It's then the realisation hits and the exhaustion.

Always be her friend.

Charlie, it is. Utterly horrible. He was around at school last week at pick up time, and came to a choir concert last Wednesday evening, sat behind me with his wife and youngest son, and you would never have known how hard he was finding things. Depression has a way of being masked, I know I've done it myself, putting on a front and giving the appearance of all being just fine.

I will definitely do another food parcel after the funeral - that's yet to be set as the coroner will obviously have to be involved given the circumstances of his passing. My friend has two or three amazing friends who are busily helping her with various forms and processes relating to life policies, pensions etc - one of her biggest concerns at the moment is how she will support her family, and as an EU national still going through the lengthy and hideously bureaucratic process of obtaining permanent residency here in the UK she worries that she won't be able to qualify for certain support. I looked up some information for her last night which I think may mean she does qualify for some assistance, and she does have an NI number so I think things will be ok.

So very very sad.

I have no experience of this but I read somewhere that a good thing to do over the next few months might be to just include the children in your activities- "we're going to the cinema / for a swim/ to go out to the park etc would your dc like to come." It would give their mum time off from being brave for them, as well as giving the kids something to do.

Thank you, I will do. It was his funeral today, unfortunately I couldn't attend as I has another funeral to go as well. My boys are continuing to keep a quiet watchful eye and perhaps over the summer we'll get to go out a bit more with the family too.

Weekends become very lonely as everyone is busy with their own families. So inviting them over or out with you might well be welcome.

Do you know if anyone is arranging a meal rota? Lots of people will want to help but it's best if it's organised and spaced out, rather than a load of perishable food arriving one day and then none for a week.

Good suggestion on the rota. Her mum is staying with her until the middle of July I think, and they are then going to France for a family visit as well. Another friend set up a just giving page to raise a little bit of money to help with various expenses etc until such time as policies and so on are sorted, the last time I looked it has sailed past the original target and was still going strong. There are lots of people looking out for them all, nice to know that community spirit is very much out in force!

That's really heartwarming to hear.

I might suggest to her if I were you that you set up a rota as of when they're back from France. Lots of people get masses of support for first few weeks, but after a few months is tails off dramatically and yet is ever more needed.

You sound like a good and supportive friend
All I can say is try to keep it up
In my experience after the initial flurry and activity is when she'll need you most/ when everyone else has moved on. And she won't ask for help so just keep on what you're doing
You sound lovely

I agree with what others have said - helping with food is very helpful as I'm sure the last thing would want to do is cook but would also feel terrible if her D.C. Arnt eating healthy food.

And yes taking the boys out for an hour or two would be helpful.

Again I agree about being there after the funeral. Everyone seems to think once the funeral is finished it's "time to move on" but that is when the real loneliness will start for your friend.

You sound very kind and thoughtful so it's lovely she has you for support.

Thank you. She's away on holiday with the children at present, they sent us a postcard! When she's back I'm having the boys for a day whilst she's at work and will make sure we do other stuff together through the summer break too. We went along to a local castle for a showing of Horrible Histories before the school holiday, took picnics and the lads were all playing together having a good time :)