DD's friend has committed suicide.

[RhythmStix]

I have NCd for this so as not to out any details. My dd is 15 and in yr 10. Yesterday a girl in her year group with whom she is friends (they used to be close, not so much of late, but still friendly) took her own life on the school premises. It is utterly awful and everyone is completely shell shocked.

DD has gone in to school today and there will be counsellors on site and so on but I am struggling to understand how to help my dd. She went through a very tough time last year with self harming and anxiety/loneliness issues and, thankfully with the help of school counselling and CAMHS has come through that and is so much more happy and balanced. The friend , according to my dd, has had a lot of similar problems but much more severely, and obviously things must have come to a head over half term.

There were police and ambulances etc at the school - it is so very terrible. I can't stop crying at the loss of such a poor, sad and lonely 14 year old girl. I feel so awful for her mum and dad. I want to be able to say to my dd that it'll be ok, but it won't will it?

If anyone can recommend ways of helping my dd I would be very grateful. Thanks in advance.xx

My children's step sister committed suicide two months ago. She was 16.

It has been hard. Many, many tears and questions.
I have answered as best I can without them knowing the details.

Ds3 (15) is struggling still (ASD) and his school family liaison team have arranged art therapy for him.

All I can suggest is love and hugs.

for you...I know how difficult this is.

I heard about this, not same school but same area. It's shocking.
I think all you can do is keep talking about it, allow her a space to talk to you, or others. No point saying it'll be ok. It's devastating.
I imagine there will be a lot of guilt and "if onlys" among the other girls and the teachers and family. This is a part of the grief process, but important obviously that your dd doesn't blame herself for the friendship becoming less close or something like that.

Poor girl. And your daughter ❤️

No knowledgeable advice I'm afraid but just to hold her tight. There seems to be so much more pressure on DC at school nowadays it's scary. I'm so pleased your DD has come out the other side.

We have a mantra at home that nothing is so bad that you can't come home. There's nothing you could have done that is so dreadful, so stupid or so embarrassing that you can't come home. Failed exams, debts, pregnancy. We can deal with anything together. We say it so often that the DC are bored of hearing it, but hopefully they get the message.

Our DC know some of the stupid things DH and I have done, the failures and the mistakes. We've chosen to be honest because we wanted a clear message that nothing is the end of the world, even if it feels like it at the time. Things can still end up just fine.

My heart breaks for that poor girl and her family. Hold your girl tight and I'll do the same with mine when she gets home.

No words. With love.

We must all keep campaigning for better mental health services for for the young. I read this morning that in 2015 23% of people with mental health issues were in the CAMHS age bracket. 5% of the mh budget is spent on CAMHS.

Thanks for your kind words and advice. I especially think that mantra is a good idea Bordersarethebest. I did say to my dd on the way in today that it is likely there will be a lot of people blaming themselves for not being a 'better' friend or not realising what she would do.

I am sorry about your DC's step-sister TopBitch. many years ago a girl I had been to school with took her life at the age of about 20. We were not great friends but were pals. I have never forgotten her or her memorial service and that was back in the 80s..

My DDs have both lost friends recently, one horribly in a bike accident and the other had an anaphalyactic reaction on holiday. I can't get over how deeply shocked and upset they both were. We talked about it a lot, and that seemed to help them both especially over the media reporting and what people were putting on social media.

I think you just have to let them voice what they are thinking, and not be shocked by it. It opened up quite strong feelings about death and what happens for my youngest DD and that was so hard to talk about when I truthfully feel very panicky about it myself but I was able to share that and say it's ok and normal to be very scared of it.

How absolutely tragic OP. I am so sorry to read this, for the poor girl who died and her family, and for her friends like your dd. I have lost friends to suicide, and it is the hardest death to process. (I've also lost a friend to murder, so i don't say that lightly). It leaves so much guilt, for everyone involved. The only positive thing to say is that the whole school will be shocked, grieving and upset, so your Dd won't feel isolated in her grief. There will be teachers feeling a range of emotions, including guilt at not having done more (I'm not saying they didn't do enough, just that having those feelings is normal after suicide). So your Dd will have people who will understand.

Just being a comforting and loving mother , as you clearly are, will help your Dd. You could go down the grief counselling route, if she is really struggling as time goes on, but at the moment feeling shocked and distressed, sad, angry, guilty, all those emotions are normal, so talking through this with her is probably the best thing to do.

Bordersarebest - I'm going to remember that and say that to my dds.

Also agree with borders

Very sorry this has happened, both for that poor girl's family and your DD. Maybe ask her if she would like to invite some friends over to your house one evening, and just all sit around and talk about it together? Let them know that is a safe place to talk about it, give them a box of tissues and just be there in the background so that they can talk freely?

A very close friend of mine committed suicide when I was in my 20s. We had all moved away by then, but a group of about 6 of us used to travel home to his local every weekend for about 6 weeks, and just talk to each other about how we missed him/exchanged old photos and reminisced. After a few weeks we could even start smiling and laughing again instead of just crying, but it did take a while. The sort of 'group hug' approach really helped me (and all of us I think).