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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

young widow

21 replies

supernature · 16/03/2007 12:51

Hello, I'm looking for a support group in London for young widows. I was widowed in September at the age of 33. I have a 2 year old daughter and we are managing but of course things are difficult. My husband died of stomach cancer - and it wasn't like in the films or Grey's Anatomy were it's peacful and calm - all things said and tidied away. It was hard and traumatic, slow and despertaly painful for everyone - especially him. I find it very hard to talk to my friends and family about it, but know that I must - otherwise I will end up bitter and resentful and my daughter deserves a better mother than that. thanks.

OP posts:

fairyjay · 16/03/2007 12:55

So sorry

Just keeping this bumped for you, as I know others will be able to point you in the right direction.

You're the only mum your daughter wants - I can promise you that!

monkeymonkeymoomoo · 16/03/2007 12:59

I was widowed nearly 7 years ago and found WAY (Widowed and Young) to be the best support group: link to WAY

My DH1 had Non Hodgkins Lymphoma so I understand how awful it is watching someone die from cancer email me at ele dot gant at btinternet dot com if you need to chat.

Hulababy · 16/03/2007 12:59

So sorry to hear about the loss of your husband

There are, sadly, other mums in similar situations to yourself, on Mumsnet. They may well be at work right now, but keep checking back especially in the evening - and bump the thread again this evening - sure they'll be around to talk.

Pamina · 16/03/2007 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakedpotato · 16/03/2007 13:01

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss.
A friend who was suddenly widowed found this website very helpful.

katzg · 16/03/2007 13:01

i'd second WAY my MIL helped to found it.

monkeymonkey you may have even met her!

BettySpaghetti · 16/03/2007 13:05

So sorry .

I know there are people on here that will have some good advice for you as some have been through similar experiences.

There is a national group called WAY -Widowed And Young (I believe) and they have regional groups so you may find one in your area.

Regarding the way you are left feeling over witnessing your DH's slow,traumatic death, have you spoken to your GP or CRUSE? A friend of mine suffered terribly from watching her Dad die over a period of time. 10 months on she started counselling through her GP and has found that it has really helped her. Before then she'd been unable to talk about his death and was in quite a atate.

As for your role as a mother, I am sure you are doing a fantastic job bringing up your daughter in such difficult times.

I hope you get some answers and support

BettySpaghetti · 16/03/2007 13:06

ah, everyone beat me to it with WAY (I got distracted half way through typing my post)

Original poster

supernature · 16/03/2007 13:45

thank you to everyone that responded - it does seem that WAY is the way to go.... I tried one on one therapy but just felt exhausted and stupid and kept repeating myself. I thought maybe a group thing would be easier. thanks again for your support. I will try again this evening. best.

OP posts:

frumpygrumpy · 16/03/2007 13:52

Hi, how awful. Just wanted to add that we're here for you too. You start as many threads as you like moaning, crying, complaining or laughing. We'll have you whatever the package is like

I only know of yorkiegirl on MN who has been widowed young. Last september I think. She's lovely and I'm sure she'll be along.......

Callmemadam · 16/03/2007 22:56

tjacksonpfc - as well - lost her dh to cancer last summer, but I haven't seen her post on here since he died . you could try searching under her name to see if she comes up. So sorry for your loss, but you have come to the right place for support.

frumpygrumpy · 21/03/2007 13:40

bumping in case yorkiegirl is about

frumpygrumpy · 21/03/2007 20:25

evening bump for yg

suzycreamcheese · 21/03/2007 20:34

supernature..so sorry..
though dont know practicals to help...

..this happened to friend of our family recently who has young daughter..immensley sad...i too think she finds it hard to speak have written cards and things but dont know her aswell as my mum does and she lives very far from me...is there no family friends to talk too? they might surprise you?

..hope you find somewhere someone soon or here even to vent and rant and heal and move on..

Yorkiegirl · 21/03/2007 20:42

Message withdrawn

marmon · 21/03/2007 21:13

I am so sorry to hear of you loss. My partner died just over four years ago of a brain haemorrage, i was 31 years old and 5 months pregnant with our first ds together, ( i have a daughter from a previous relationship). The only thing i can say is that all the cliches about time being a healer are true but you need support from family, friends, mumsnet, CRUSE or wherever you can it just so you can talk,cry,laugh or scream at the unfairness of it all. Do not bottle up your grief, i will be happy to talk to anyone who is going through this dark time. I have found happiness again and so will you but at the moment you probably think i am talking rubbish but life does change and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I found the first 2 years the hardest then things slowly started to change and i felt like i wanted to live again. My ds knows no different and is very happy. My dd found it very hard at first but children adapt easily and she is know o.k if a little obsessed with death. I hope these words bring a little comfort and i am happy to talk about it.xx

frumpygrumpy · 22/03/2007 18:19

I'm glad YG. I imagine that its only those that are walking the same mile that truly get it.

onlytheone · 27/03/2007 23:13

I am so sorry and understand some of what you have gone through. My DH is dying of cancer and our DD is 3. He has gone through awful and prolonged treatment but the outcome will be slow and painful. I too cannot talk to friends, relatives and people in my daily life. I am keeping myself and everyone else afloat as I want as much quality time and normality that we possibly have. I do not know how I will cope, it seems unthinkable. Please let me know how you get on, I am thinking of you.

frumpygrumpy · 27/03/2007 23:17

You come on here sweetheart and you shout, wail, cry and laugh with us. That is the beauty of MN. We can be here whenever the need arises and you don't have to worry about our feelings (well, within reason ). A friend of mine lost her husband 3 months ago and has children ages newly 3, 4 and 6. MN was a great help to me in helping her. Good luck xxx.

onlytheone · 28/03/2007 23:08

thanks frumpygrumpy. Really appreciate yourwords, Your nickname made me smile, as it would suit be down to the ground! You obviously know only too well the situation. I do hope you friend is getting the support she needs. Sometimes it is just being including in things and not being treated differently and other times it is an ear or a shoulder to cry on (I am bad at that!). I am currently really miffed that no one comes to see my DH or asks him how he is doing - it is all filtered through me. When he is really poorly, everyone comes pouring in. Not sure this is the place to vent feelings as I am not bereaved yet - only missing the man who was before his illness.

frumpygrumpy · 29/03/2007 15:07

vent those feelings honey! I'm sure you are in just the right place. You can start threads any time too. Sometimes you don't need anyone to fix things do you, just someone to be there, to hear you, at the very moment you choose.

People get scared, and they think they don't know what to say. I heard that from other people who also know my friend. Some who couldn't even come to her husbands funeral because they were frightened of being so upset in front of her! I mean, thats the place to be upset, how did they think she felt?

I wish people would just face it head on, ask for the detail of what is happening and reply honestly. I always found "oh shit, how bloody awful, can I bring soup?" worked.

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