GM has died - never spoken to her - feeling very sad though?

[glitterglitters]

Will try not to dripfeed. Still a bit spacey tbh.

I just received a text from my dsis that our grandmother has died. She lived abroad and I have not only never met her, I've not spoken to her and she's never acknowledged my existence in my life (she NC, my dm who is also deceased, after allegations of neglect etc. It's a very long and convoluted story that we will never ever know the full story).

My dsis and db met her once when they were children and my dniece met her on her gap hear.

I've never been angry with the woman, in fact I've always been somewhat indifferent but getting that text I've just broken down in tears.

I feel really odd about the whole thing and I'm not even sure how I begin to deal with this. I have no memories to share, no experiences, just questions and the only person who can answer these a) is also gone b) never would have.

I'm not in a position to go to her funeral (heavily pregnant plus plane tickets would be ££££) and even if I could I don't think I'd be comfortable.

How do you even begin to process or mourn the death of an abject stranger? I know hormones are probably playing a huge part of this at the moment as well.

Not to downplay your feelings at all I think you're right in that hormones are playing a part here. Perhaps at some level you're mourning the fact that you never knew her whilst at the same time acknowledging all the turbulence surrounding the situation.

You're probably mourning the fact you've never had a GM It'll still feel like losing someone, and especially having NC you might find yourself projecting/hoping she was better and missing the idea of a good GM. It's probably especially hard when others have had great relationships with their grandparents, and that she was still alive for you to in theory meet etc. There's nothing you can do now about a NC relationship (it's sad even if it had very good reason), so focus on your new baby and making a great family in future

I think you are grieving not for the GM who has died. But also for the GM you never had (if that makes sense). I feel the same way about my father who's never played an active part of my life - I wouldn't miss him if he died, but I know his dear h would remind me of what I missed not having a father

Thanks everybody. My dsis text me saying she feels nothing and that's what I expected to feel.

I think i feel sad mainly because my dm had such a wonderful family, and her children and grandkids are amazing. And this person will never know.

I agree though. I think it's more shock, hormones and a lack of a gm figure (my df's mum ran off when he was a toddler and never ever acknowledged him so no gm that side either).

It might help you to process your feelings if you had some counselling. One session might be enough. My GF died recently; I had had no contact with him for 30 years, although my mother did. He never mentioned his GC. It's only now having children myself that I see how dysfunctional some of our family relationships are. 💐