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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Coping with watching someone die...

20 replies

TiredyMcTired · 03/05/2017 22:50

My lovely father in law died suddenly a couple of days ago, I was there with him in the hospital holding his hand when he passed away and although we'd been warned that it was imminent I was shocked when it happened. He had been a poorly man for a few years but this was an infection that took hold and he died within hours of being admitted to hospital.
I am struggling to deal with watching him go, I've never experienced this before, I've never seen anyone die and when I lost my grandparents I didn't view them in the chapel of rest because I just couldn't cope with the idea of it. I'm trying to keep busy helping DH and MiL but my thoughts keep returning to those final moments and I feel so awful... I loved him to bits and although he was peaceful at the end I am just a mess feeling guilty, sad, angry, nauseous, tearful, numb...

OP posts:

topcat2014 · 03/05/2017 22:53

I was with my FIL when he died, DW was at home with DC.

In his case it was peaceful - he was drugged up to the eyes, but it was a workplace illness that caused it (asbestos), so that added to things.

What suprised me, when we had the funeral a week or so later, was how sad I was again seeing the coffin - even though I had been there at the time.

I had an open casket viewing when DGM died, as I couldn't get to the funeral.

In time, the final moments won't be the only thing you remember.

xx (are we even supposed to put that!)

Original poster

TiredyMcTired · 03/05/2017 23:01

Thank you Topcat, I hope that's the case. I've been looking at old photos today of holidays, Christmas etc and trying to put images back into my head of times when FiL was well and happy.
I think this might be hitting me hard because I've recently struggled out of a period of depression and anxiety, so I think I might need to talk to someone to help me process this, maybe...

OP posts:

Original poster

TiredyMcTired · 03/05/2017 23:02

And I'm sorry for your loss too

OP posts:

ChishandFips33 · 03/05/2017 23:06

It's indescribable to anyone who hasn't been in your shoes - but it will pass

Please do talk to someone and work your thoughts and grief out - it's not something you need to hold on to; that space is for all the good memories you have

So sorry for your loss

brieandcrackers · 03/05/2017 23:07

So sorry you had to experience that.

Not been in the position myself but my mum was present when both of her parents passed on - obviously it was horrible and she took a lot of time to get over it but now she's comforted by the fact they were with the people they loved as they left this earth.

Thinking of you and your family tonight

brieandcrackers · 03/05/2017 23:10

"get over it" was perhaps the wrong phrase to use as it's not something you can just get over - "come to terms with" probably should have been what I wrote - apologies!!

echt · 04/05/2017 08:09

As shocking as it must have been for you to have seen him die, being there at the end may come to comfort you, that he was not alone when he died.

InfiniteCurve · 04/05/2017 08:22

I wasn't with either my Mum or my Dad when they died but was there soon after. For a long time my memories particularly of my Mum who had had a long illness and had been very changed physically by it were tied up with her ill,and seeing her after death - those images and thoughts would keep coming up.
But that did all fade with time,and I remember all the great memories of the people they were rather than the event of losing them.
I'd spent a lot of time with Mum as she was dying,and my Dad was with her when she died.It was very difficult,but as a previous poster said,I think it is a comfort to know you were able to keep that person you loved company as they went.
So sorry for your loss,and just to add you have nothing to feel guilty about - you were there for him

Wombletor · 04/05/2017 08:24

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is very hard to watch and wait for a loved one to pass, but brings enormous comfort to them, even though we find it traumatic. It is natural to feel the way you do right now, it is grief and shock. In time it will lessen and his actual passing will feel less traumatic when you think of it. I was with my DGM when she passed and it was peaceful and I felt comforted by it. However, I was with my DGF and he was awake and it was horrifying. Afterwards I was very traumatized by it, and I spoke to a Dr about the dying process, and gained some peace from his assurances. I also took comfort from the fact it was my face and voice that helped to calm and ease things. 3 years on I still think of it in flashbacks, but I'm glad I was there, as he'd always been there for me all my life. Take care, I hope things feel more settled for you soon.

Morewashingtodo · 04/05/2017 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SelfObsessionHoney · 04/05/2017 08:33

I'm sorry for your loss.
I've held the hands of many people in their final moments, but never a loved one. Take heart from knowing you showed him kindness, compassion and love at the most important time, at that key point in his life he will have taken comfort in your presence and your touch. It's a brave and difficult thing to do.
Take time to grieve and take support from those around you. After time the sadness will soften x

fatowl · 04/05/2017 13:40

My dad passed away at home at the beginning of march. I was in the room very shortly before, the nurse came to change his morphine pump and then me and mum went downstairs and had a cup of coffee as he was sleeping.
About 20 mins later the GP came and when we went upstairs he had gone. Knowing my dad, I bet he was waiting to slip away while we were out of the room.
I sat with him while we were waiting for the undertaker, I'd never been with a body before, but he looked very peaceful. The image does come back to me, and I'll never forget it.
I do have guilt that we weren't holding his hand when he went but he knew we were there.

Original poster

TiredyMcTired · 04/05/2017 19:31

Thank you everyone for your comments and supportive advice. I'm trying to hold onto the thought that it is early in the grieving process and that hopefully I won't feel like this in a few months time.
We are focused on supporting my MiL at the moment, they were married for 55 years and she is utterly lost without him.

OP posts:

EsmesBees · 04/05/2017 19:36

I was there in the run up and point of my mum's death. Whilst horrible at the time, I can look back now and be glad I was there to hold her hand and say a few kind words as she left us. Hopefully that point will come for you too. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and look after each other

It's not like on the telly and I think more should be done to manage family's expectations of what dying can be like.

Sittinginthesun · 04/05/2017 19:38

I think the actual experience of watching someone die is so surreal, you go into a type of shock. I found it was like post traumatic shock, as I couldn't shake the memory from my head.

You need to talk it out, over and over until it becomes a story. Not to your DH or MIL, but to someone outside. It does help, and after a while you remember the happy times, rather than the end.

Dontfencemein · 04/05/2017 19:53

I was with my mother when she died more than 10 years ago. Painful though it was, it has been of comfort to me to know that she was not alone. I was able to tell her to go to heaven and hope she heard that. I imagine that being with your father in law was an immense comfort to him.

Things are very raw for you now. Give yourself time. The other thing that has really comforted me is the fact that we actually got to say goodbye. I can't imagine how awful it is to loose someone close so unexpectedly that there is no opportunity to spend time with them at the end.

No matter how 'expected' a death is, it is still a terrible shock, so let yourself go through all those feelings people have after something awful happens. It's normal and healthy.

I am sorry for your loss .

lucyandpoppy123 · 06/05/2017 00:31

Really sorry
I was with my dad when he died a few months ago. It was the first time I had seen someone die and it wasn't what I was expecting. I found the look on his face and in his eyes very difficult to forget but looking at pictures of him in happier times has helped a lot at pushing that memory out. And I am ultimately so glad I got to be there for him at that moment

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2017 00:38

I'm another who has been through this - but we had been sitting with mum the whole night, pretty much waiting for her to pass away. I wasn't holding her hand, Dad was - but I was smoothing her forehead and felt the change in the skin as she went.
It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't a shock either - I'm just glad that, given her condition (terminal bowel cancer with liver secondaries and fluid on the lungs) she was able to go relatively peacefully and with us all with her.

Focus on the positives - he knew you were there, he felt cared for because you were holding his hand, and he felt safe to go. Try to push the other side of things out of your memory, or at least try to play them down - I have a memory of my mum opening her eyes and looking at Dad just before she went, and that was a painful memory that stayed with me for a while, but 10 years later, it's not.

for you - and sorry for your loss.

LazySusan11 · 06/05/2017 22:54

I was with my mum, it was awful prior to her dying. I kept thinking how I could possibly cope with anymore.

You've experienced trauma and it takes a while. It's been 3 months now and I get flashbacks at night of her lying in her bed making awful noises with her breathing.

All I can say for myself is it was traumatic and so there's a process my mind is going through to get through it.

bushtailadventures · 06/05/2017 23:03

I was with my Mum when she died, she had been ill for months, but it still came as a shock. The thing I held on to through everything was that somehow she must have known that we were there, and that she was loved. We talked to her the whole time, and held her hand, and she was more peaceful at the end than she had been for months.

It does get easier eventually, but you have to take time for yourself to process it all, and to grieve properly.

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