when does it get better?not coping

[sippysoppy]

I lost my lovely brother at Christmas and just feel like the last month has just been the worst so far, I feel so low and miss him so much, so many things I want to ask him about and tell him, and just to have someone around who I don't have to explain myself to, people seem to think I should be over it now, i'm starting to feel I wish it was me that went . I daren't think about the future because I don't want it without him. why is it getting so much worse? when does it ease? sorry really bad day we always put a bet on the grand national

I think it is really early days. I lost my mum almost 12 months ago and I would say that 4 months was almost the very worst time - the shock had worn off (it was a very sudden death) leaving me to face the true horror of her being gone.

I feel stronger and more like myself now but it's still hard. I dream about her, then wake and she's dead. People assume I'm over it and I'm not. I'm in a phase of listening to her favourite music often with lots of tears, not sure what that means.

It's a long road ahead and I'm so so sorry about your brother

So very sorry for you loss, sippy. It's horrid, isn't it? A friend who was with me after my DH died suddenly last year had also had a sudden bereavement and said you never get over it, at best it's just somewhere else, not at the front of your mind. Grief pops up at odd times, even when on the day to day you cope. I felt crushingly low about five months after.

I know who you mean about the Grand National. At Easter, my DH always made pace eggs, so I did it too, and it made me feel and This Easter has been the first annual event I've been on my own since DH died. DD is away. Bugger me, not nice at all. It's made me re-think what I would do for Christmas if DD isn't around.

Hi Sippy, I'm so sorry about the loss of your lovely brother.

I lost my brother a month ago, I still feel numb and so I guess slightly protected. Perhaps you are feeling all of the hurt that the numb phase kept you from. How horrible for you to feel so sad, but also feel sadness of thinking people believe you should be over it.

I really don't know much about this at all, but am ashamed to let you know that whilst working in a busy school reception I (obviously without thinking and with no malice intended) greeted someone who had been off with bereavement with a bright 'hi, how are you?' as their coming back coincided with everyone coming back after October holidays. Perhaps the people you're thinking of are as rushed, or 'going through the motions' like I was when I said what I did. I'm sure they wouldn't really be thinking you should be over it. maybe they just don't know what to say.

I hope this makes sense, I've not been on this board long, but like I say, I've been the stupid person on the other side and it was ignorance/busyness that made me act that way. (Just to say I did correct myself, but I do know the damage is done)

I just wanted to say that I think you are at a very hard stage and you should do what you can (counsellor or therapy) to help yourself through it. I know that I'm aware I will get to a stage when I will miss my brother (in jokes and all that silliness and just being apart for a while) and it will be a new wave of sadness. It's no help at all except to say - yes this is hard, I acknowledge what a difficult time you're having.

OP I lost my brother too, three years back. This is very early days for you - anyone who says that you should be starting to move on is talking out of their arse, frankly. Grief can be a lonely place, but on this board we all understand some of what you're going through.

PS to answer your question - I don't know when it'll get better, everyone finds their own route through these sorts of tragedy. In a way, I felt at my worse about six months after my brother died. The ups and downs of the first few months had turned into a sort of barren emotional wasteland that I struggled to get out of for a long, long time. Now, threee years on I can say I've accepted his death, although it will always hurt when I turn it over in my mind. My only advice is to accept that everything has changed forever. That's where I am at the moment, and I'm discovering a new type of happiness. I've also learnt that I can be happy and sad at the same time.