Still gutted 7 and 5 years on

[Chattycat78]

Just wondering if this is normal. My mum died in 2009, my dad in 2011. I was young ish I guess. I was 32 when my last parent died. I didn't have kids then. I do now- 2 boys, and I think I feel worse since I had them- mainly that my parents never met them and I also miss the emotional support I'm guessing I would have received. It's been hard becoming a mum without having a mum to ask advice.

I manage fine day to day, but when I'm alone I still cry a lot, or if I'm drunk. I'm also gutted when I see my sons with their other grandparents knowing that I'll never witness this with my sons and my own parents.

Is this normal or do I need to somehow deal with it/deal with it better?

I still get upset over my granda 7 years later. He passed after a short illness, we knew he wouldn't recover from it but it still didn't give us time to process it as he got poorly quickly. I can only imagine how it must feel when it's your parents. Generally I'm not an emotional person (I've been called cold ) but I do still get upset about this (and now my nan passed last year). I think it's a difficult thing to move forward from. As long as it doesn't generally affect your day to day life I wouldn't see it as a massive problem to still grieve. If you feel it's taking over a bit then it might help to get some grievance counselling. I find that having a good cry sometimes really helps and then I feel better for ages after. Hope you can come to terms with your loss, it's horrible, I really feel for you

Thanks. Sorry to you too.
I did try grief counselling but tbh I did it very soon afterwards and I think I was looking for a quick fix solution which obviously I wasn't going to get. Maybe i should reconsider it.

IMO it's best to get grief counselling later on. Like you say, it can be seen as a quick fix but you do need to cry and be down for a while before trying to fix things. Or I do anyway. Good luck with your journey. It's bloody hard but we can all get there. Sending hand holds and tea

My mom died suddenly when I was 19. My dad is still alive, but he lives in my home country so I see him once a year and don't have any day to day support.

Since having my children 15 months ago, I have found it harder. I think about my mom a lot and feel...wistful, I guess. She would love them so much, and I know that she would do everything possible to help me.

However, I would say that the sort of grief you describe does sound extreme. It wouldn't hurt to speak to someone for some extra support. I think that having children is such an overwhelming life change anyway that it's bound to bring up feelings that haven't been fully dealt with. Good luck. X

I had also lost both parents by 38. The pain never goes away, but you DO learn to live around it. Counselling is good - you need to do whatever works for you, but in answer to your question, your feelings now are totally normal for you xxx

Chatty I think it’s normal. I was 31, and then 33, when I lost my parents and - like in your case – it was before I had DC. When I went on to have my DS some years later, I felt sad for all the reasons you have mentioned.

Others have suggested some form of counselling to you. And I agree that might be helpful. As I said, I think it’s normal to feel as you do, but if the feelings are so overwhelming that it is draining the joy out of the precious early years with your DC, it could be good to talk it through either with a counsellor or a trusted relative or friend.

I find that it can also be difficult because it is a relatively unusual situation to be in these days. You feel different from the other Mums you meet who take having their own parents around for granted, or so it seems.

Do you think it might help to talk out loud to your parents, even if they are not there? I update mine about my DS from time to time - when no one is around to see the crazy lady apparently talking to herself. I find that helps me – that and a good old cry!

I do understand.

I'm sure this must be so very normal, I have not been where you are so forgive me for chipping in here when I have no direct experience but I had a thought - triggered by you mentioning your sadness when you watch your in-laws develop their grandparental relationship with your DC: is there anyone you could ask to take on the role of honorary grandparent, e.g. one of your godparents if you have any, or a close family friend of your parents, or one of your uncles/aunts? I appreciate your uncles/aunts have an official relationship to your DC already but - if you particularly like one or two of them - could you ask them to play a bigger role in your DC's lives? I'm sure they'd leap at the chance. Just a thought. I know it is Not The Same At All but it might help in a very small way to counter the very natural regret that your DC won't get to know your parents. (Reference: this is what an aunt does for a cousin of mine whose mother died before she was married - our aunt went with her for the dress fitting, spends lots of time with her, babysits her kids etc)

Nice idea but my dad was an only child and my mum fell out with her own sister and didn't speak for years, so I have no real relationship with them either- and they live a lomg way away, as do my parents" friends.

Ok yes, foolish of me not to consider only children/distance etc.

Hope you are weathering the storm ok. I'm sure your lovely boys give you comfort - I also have two sons.

My mum died 34 years ago when I was a child. I still break my heart crying for her. Just not every single night. It is still so painful I cannot put up a photo of her.
My dad died in his seventies. I miss him so much but it doesn't hurt like my mum because I feel he lived a reasonably long and happy life.
I think there are lots of factors that affect how long you grieve for- your personality, your relationship with the person who died, the circumstances