Help me get past this

[Tandoorimixedgrill]

It's nearly ten years since my dad died (he was 59 and I was 26 at the time), and I'm having a really hard time at the moment.

He died of cancer and I was his main care giver (only child, parents separated and mum no support). The short story is that he had a two year long illness (we knew he was terminal during this time), for most of this time he was fairly well but went rapidly down hill in the last two weeks of his life. The last week was truly horrific, only myself and my now husband know the reality of the situation which did not amount to a peaceful death at home (the sugar coated version I gave everyone else).

In addition to all this I had a loving but difficult relationship with dad due to his alcoholism. Over the years subsequent to his death I fell like I have come to terms with losing him and our difficult relationship.

Recently however I have been experiencing nightmares, flashbacks and cant stop thinking about the days before he died in excruciating detail. I'm wondering if anyone else has experience of similar and an offer advise on how to get past this. I'm thinking about counselling but can't currently even talk about it without totally breaking down, I struggle to breath, and feel like my chest is being sat on buy an elephant.

I'm no doctor but you sound like you have ptsd. See your gp. Can you write out your symptoms in case yiu can't speak?

Not the same experience, but I really struggled when my Dad died (also of cancer, aged 62). I hit an anger stage and just couldn't get past it at all.

The difference for me was that I was already seeing my GP regularly as my ds was a baby, I'd been ill, and I had an ongoing health thing.

My GP whizzed me into counseling straight away. I was very anti, and it took me a few weeks to be able to speak without cracking.

Honestly, it was the best thing I've EVER done. It actually changed my life.

Please speak to your GP first.

I'm so sorry Tandoori. I have no advice. I was offered counselling after my brother's death but when it came to it I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to ask for the time off (teacher).

I will one day. Mind you, I am aware that I may say that forever.

I hope somebody knowledgeable comes along soon.

You def need therapy but insist on a trauma specialist. Not all therapists are the same. Xx

My Dad died 18 years ago, very similar circumstances to your own and I was 18 at the time. I didn't grieve for years and it hit me the worst a few years after the event. Even now it's very difficult. I didn't have counselling, but wish I had.....I did a counselling course a few years ago and having been on the other side of it, I was able to understand what the benefits could be. It won't be a miracle cure, but it will help, and even if it only helps a little bit, surely that's better than nothing. Please speak to your GP because you may have PTSD and you can't go through that alone.

Thanks for the replies, it took me forever to write the post so it means a lot to have the support. I know you are right about the therapy, I struggle to accept that I can't just work it out myself.

I'm not one for navel gazing and tend to minimise because I know rationally that losing a parent is a normal thing to experience (even if it happened earlier than it does for most people) and that most people are touched by cancer at some point in their life.

I would be some much more epithetic to someone else who had gone though similar than I can be to myself.
I've always been told how 'well adjusted' I am by my wider family since I was young (after parents breakup and dads alcoholism) but in reality I'm just good at hiding what's really going on - to make them feel more comfortable.

If you have P t s d , emdr can be very helpful..it moves the memories from the happening now part of your brain to the past bit of your brain. If you have ptsd counselling can make it worse.

What my counselor helped me realise, is that many reactions to grief are chemical/physical reactions taking place in your body and brain. You are not weak because you are experiencing them - just like, you aren't weak if you feel pain if you break a limb.

I really fought against this, but it was extremely helpful in the long run.

Hi op

I don't think you have PTSD

But you are grieving, the thing about starting counselling is the realisation that ones the genies out of the bottle it won't go back. It sounds like you want to talk but realise you will cry first. Therapists are very much used to this, so they won't be shocked, they do however have a lot of tissues handy.

I wonder also if it's time that you stopped sugar coating the pill so to speak and maybe let someone you trust know how hard it was, I also wonder if you might be a bit sad that your mum couldn't have been more of a support at that time, if not to you at least.

Take care lovely