Christmas or not?

[JSlondon]

Earlier in the year my mum died suddenly. My dad has recently moved an ex girlfriend into the house. She offered her condolences to my dad a week or so after I lost my mum, spoke to my dad on the phone frequently and they met up in person a few months ago (she lives overseas). My dad told me that they were going on holiday, which they did, sandwiched either side by a stay in my parents house. Basically, first date was in my parent's home, she has the same name as my mum, their holiday was in a place he'd been to with my mum many times - their honeymoon destination.

My dad doesn't want to share memories or grief about my mum and whilst I understand we all grieve differently, it feels like he's just replaced my mum. My dad told me she would be coming over for another visit and would I meet her. I knew it would be hard, but thought I would. Just before she came over, he casually mentioned she was coming over and moving in for good. The speed of this relationship and the cold, flippant manner in which he told me has set me back hugely to the point where I'm no longer ready to meet her. My dad said he would not spring any surprises on me but would give me warning - he didn't and I feel so angry and hurt with him.

Earlier in the year, I said to my brother that we should make sure we had Christmas as a family. I'm now so anxious about it. My brother wants my support, although he has met this woman. I want to bail as I'm not sure I'll be able to hold it together. What do I do? It will kill me to see her with my babies on Christmas when my heart is breaking my mum isn't there to hold them. I can't pretend my mum didn't exist. I don't want to let my brother down but I'm hanging on by a thread. I always thought we had such a close family but that has fallen down the pan since mum died. Do I risk fracturing family further or risk a breakdown?

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

presumably, the suggestion to be together was to support each other while you were grieving. well, it sounds as though your DF has found support elsewhere, and you won't find Christmas with him supportive.

tell your dad you and your brother will have Christmas together, that you wish him every happiness but aren't ready to meet his friend yet.

he hasn't consulted you about his change of plan, you don't need to consult him.

was your mum's death unexpected? apparently, after a long illness some widows/widowers grieve and move on more quickly as the bereavement process starts earlier.

I am sorry for your loss

This is surprisingly common OP. I know two men who, after losing their wife of many years, were in a new relationship very quickly afterwards. It doesn't seem to be the case that these men didn't love their wives, just that they seem to find the support of a new woman to be the best / easiest way of dealing with the situation.

I can imagine how devastated you must be feeling. But if you want to maintain a good relationship with your father, you will probably need to accept that this woman is now a part of his life. If you're close to your family try not to let her ruin that.

Her death was very sudden. My mum and dad played a large part in my day to day life. My dad's way of grieving - wanting her things sorted straight away, turning primarily outside the family to spend his time, not mentioning mum at all, preventing grieving as a family etc has been pretty difficult.

I do want to support him, but this woman around my kids when my mum should be there instead feels like too much too soon. I also know I won't be able to mention mum at all or slip off for a discreet cry to get myself together if I need to. It's my first Christmas without Mum and my baby's first Christmas. I've been on maternity leave all year - my mum would have adored that. My "old" dad would have done too. I feel like I don't know who my dad is anymore and it's like I've lost him too. I wouldn't ask my dad not to come. I would bail instead. My dad won't care if I bail as I don't think he really cares about me anymore anyway, but my brother won't then have any support.

Where was the Christmas supposed to be? At your Dad's? I think you tell him you won't be going because you are not ready yet. Tell your brother he can come and see you whenever he wants. Pop in for a quick visit on Christmas Day or Christmas Eve, and grit your teeth for a bit when she coos over your baby.

It's good you are able to see that he is just managing things in his own way. Everyone's feelings are going to be raw for a long time yet.

Hope you find a compromise you can live with.

Thanks. Mum's death was very sudden and a massive shock. My dad and this woman have been speaking to each other frequently within a couple of weeks of mum dying. Christmas is at my brother's house and that plan was made before we knew the woman would be included.

Ah, ok, that makes it harder. I guess you and DP enjoy your baby at home, and pop in for a quick visit. Brother has to make his own decision. It is rude of DF to assume his new DP is invited, though. Maybe DB will make clear the invite doesn't include her, DF will decide not to go, and you and DB can do Christmas as you wanted.

I understand how you feel about losing your DF when you lost your DM. That is so tough.

Thanks. I've softened towards my dad and feel disloyal now. I do feel resentful for some of his behaviour but suspect that is also caught up in grief. The lack of empathy is difficult and I really don't want to be in a position where I'm indirectly told I can't grieve/life goes on - because then what starts out as a need for ten minutes away descends into much more grief. It's probably safer for my health and more likely everyone will have an overall better Christmas if we do something quiet at home. I just hope the family can understand and respect that.

Well done OP. You are being so empathetic towards your dad. I hope it all works out, and you all manage to get through Christmas in your own way without offending each other.