Just need somewhere to vent

[DramaQueenofHighCs]

Last week my Nana (dad's mum) died unexpectedly and I'm all over the place. She had been deteriorating as had a fall and was living basically in one room or her house, was suspected to be in the early stages of dementia and was soon to move to sheltered accommodation, but we expected her to live for a few years yet, certainly to see christmas. I just feel sad, lost, numb, confused, guilty and selfish. I feel guilty because, although I saw her really often as a child, in recent years I have only seen her maybe two or three times a year (the last time I saw her for a length of time was last christmas) and I didn't phone her as talking on the phone with her was so hard because she never wore her hearing aid and you'd have to shout down the phone. I feel bad that DS(7) hardly knew her and doesn't really have any memories of her that he can recall and I have barely any photos of her with him.
Because it was an unexpected death there has to be a coroner enquiry so we aren't able to book a funeral date yet and I feel guilty because I am involved in lots of concerts over the next few weeks and am worried about having to miss one for the funeral or that it will be on, or very near, DS's December or my early January birthday. I feel so selfish that I am thinking of my concert commitments when my focus should be on my family who I won't see until new year because they live 3 hours away and my schedule is just so busy and I don't drive and can't afford the train fare to get there without DH to drive me. I feel guilty because I should be planning DS's party and chasing up the parents who have not replied (we have to get the list of children to the venue in advance so can't 'chance it') but all I want to do half the time is curl into a ball and sleep until new year.
Christmas will be spent at my inlaws (my parents have already booked activities over new year for us and Inlaws have already booked xmas activities so can't really swap) but I just feel like cancelling christmas, especially as, dearly as I love my inlaws, they irritate me at the best of times. (Through no real fault of their own, just differences in 'ways' if you get me.)

Sorry, I'm ranting it's just that DH is bearing the brunt of it all at the moment as I don't really have many close friends nearby I can talk to.
Thanks all for 'listening'.

What can I do to get me out of this and back ready to face christmas and birthdays?

...and breathe!

Sorry for your loss. Consider this - you did your best to nurture your relationship with your grandmother given the distance and your respective circumstances. You can take this opportunity to talk to your son about the days when you were much younger and spent more time with her, which will hopefully cheer you up rather than upset you.

As to the funeral and Christmas arrangements - do nothing! The people organising the funeral won't be able to take your work schedule into account, but with a bit of luck will avoid your birthdays. It's likely the funeral will be close to one of the birthdays, but that can't be helped. You can always raise a glass to your grandmother during your celebrations. Once the date is known you may have to bow out of one of your concerts - so be it. Christmas with your inlaws won't be a bad thing - they won't be mourning your grandmother so jollity should prevail for your son. Your parents may be downscaling the New Year celebrations in view of your father's loss, but maybe not. Mourning someone doesn't have to be all hushed tones and black clothing; it's what's in your hearts.

Yes, it's sad that she didn't live to see another Christmas, DramaQueen, but you can honour her by cherishing (and being cherished by) those who remain. Even the ILs!

Thanks. Remembering to breathe is hard sometimes. I guess with the concerts it's the fact that I'm the only one on my part (which has solos) so if I'm not there I'm not sure what they'll do.... Though I guess that's really not my problem is it.
You are right about christmas with the inlaws, it will be a jolly occasion, I just don't feel jolly at all. Then again I know that if I need to DH will take charge while I spend 5 mins in our room.

Talking to DS about things I used to do with Nana is a great idea - I have some crackers of funny stories that I think he'll love! (Anyone fancy going to the ornithologist to get their braces checked? )

You're sounding more serene already! I get what you're saying about the concerts but your colleagues will figure out a way to deal with your absence if need be. Of course it'll be a sad season for you, but keep the ornithologist in the back of your mind if you need cheering up.

I'm a lot less serene than I sound but I have my ups and downs. It helps that I just had another party reply for my son so it's one less to chase up so one less stress.