It's all hit me again

[HHH3]

Next week DS2 will be 4. His dad died when he was 5 months old. He should be here for his birthday and he's not. He never got to see even one birthday.

DS2 doesn't understand. He has SN so understands even less than a nearly 4 year old normally would. He goes through stages of talking about daddy and then doesn't for ages. At the moment he keeps talking about when he'll be 'big like daddy'. It breaks my heart.

I'm still so angry at him for dying. For leaving me to do this all on my own - with all the additional stuff that comes with DS's SNs too. And that it makes every birthday and Christmas bittersweet.

And mostly I'm sad because one day DS will understand. And I don't want him to. I don't want him to feel the sadness and grief.

I'm so sorry , what happened?

He committed suicide. How do I even begin to explain that to my beautiful boy when the time comes?

Oh, I think suicide is the hardest.

I can understand you feeling angry.

What is your life like, now? X

Life is hard. Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't swap either of my DSs for the world. They have different dads and it's so hard being solely responsible for one of them. Every single decision falls to me and some of those decisions are really big for DS2. And I very rarely get a break. I mean, I have a bit of time when he's at nursery but by the time I've got things done and had a cuppa it's time to pick him up again.

And I get so lonely sometimes.