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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Two years today, everyone forgets don't they?

22 replies

willstarttomorrow · 30/11/2016 19:53

Just that really. DP died v suddenly 2 years ago today. The last six months have been the hardest yet but in constrast to last year I have had 3 people bother to get in touch. Just a text saying 'hey, thinking of you and DD' or 'remembering DP today' would have made a huge difference
This is a bit of a rant really because until I was here I could not have started to imagine how life-shattering it would be so why would anyone else.
Just feeling so alone right now and sad no one acknowledges this or DP. Thank you mumsnet. Although you have distracted me for 2 years I am only just brave enough to post!

OP posts:

justdontevenfuckingstart · 30/11/2016 19:55

I am very sorry for your loss and that you feel so alone at this time. Have you not heard from dd's family? X

justdontevenfuckingstart · 30/11/2016 19:56

So sorry dp not dd.

AmeliaJack · 30/11/2016 19:57

CrumblyMumbly · 30/11/2016 20:00

I am so sorry. I'm not sure if people forget or they (mistakenly) feel that they shouldn't mention it in case it upsets you. It's such a huge and terrible thing in your life and so sad that nobody has acknowledged this important day. Do something nice for yourself - you are an amazing strong person and I'm sure your dp would be so proud of you. Keep on keeping on - one day at a time.

ChaChaBlah · 30/11/2016 20:02

I'm so sorry for your loss.

DramaAlpaca · 30/11/2016 20:03

I'm very sorry

IlsaLund · 30/11/2016 20:04

Sorry for your loss

Somerville · 30/11/2016 20:04

I've had the 2 year anniversary for DH, just a few weeks ago. Very few people remembered and got in touch, which is shit, I agree. Those who did it was mainly FB messages. Funnily enough I wasn't on FB that day.

I'm in a new relationship and that helped a bit. DH died during the night and last year I was alone in the house with the kids and had rather an awful time of it. . This time he sat up with me all night. And I got the kids out of school the days either side of it, since last year they were just a mess and didn't learn anything anyway that week.

Having got through it now, I do feel a bit lighter, somehow.

I hope you will too.

Have you got anyone coming round or who you could phone?

reader77 · 30/11/2016 20:04

So sorry for your loss. Anniversaries can be so hard can't they? They weirdly creep up in you.
Would you like to talk about DP here?

Somerville · 30/11/2016 20:06

Meant to add, PM me if you want.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 30/11/2016 20:07

So sorry for your loss. That's really shit of your friends and family. It's been 6 years since my sister died and I had a lot of support on her recent birthday, you're not asking too much, it's not hard to check in on a loved one who is grieving.

Call in your reinforcements if you need to. Anniversaries are brutal.

RandomMess · 30/11/2016 20:08

I think people remember but they don't know what to do or say, don't want to bring someone down if they are having an "ok" day.

it is life changing and no-one can ever walk even half a mile in someone else's shoes x

Penhacked · 30/11/2016 20:08

I can't imagine how painful it must be, but even thinking of it makes my heart tighten. I am thinking of you even though I don't know you. So so sorry for your loss I can see why people post these dates on fb, it is to get some support and make people remember too.

Mermaidinthesea · 30/11/2016 20:15

Unfortunately people do forget or they think you should be over it by now. In 5 or 10 years time you will not be over it but the world will have moved on.
At work when one of my patients partners die I do try and talk to them about him or her often. I have one lady who likes to chat to me about her husband every time she comes in, this is 7 years after his death.
She says nobody else wants to talk about him now.
My neighbour has pictures of her son who died in an accident all over her house and is not afraid to talk to everyone about him often and it's nice because even though it was 20 years ago he is still very much part of the family.
Quite honestly I think it is impossible to really understand until you have lost somebody. Then you understand and wish you had been kinder and more considerate.
I'm so sorry you must be feeling desolate xxx

Sandsnake · 30/11/2016 20:15

Oh I'm so sorry. Just so very sorry. I think sometimes people can be a bit rubbish at dealing with others' bereavement - perhaps they thought that they shouldn't 'remind' you of it (like you would be thinking of anything else) and so kept quiet. for you and your DD. I bet your DP was lovely.

MollyHuaCha · 30/11/2016 20:28

Thinking of you 🌷. Could I add that some people choose not to keep anniversaries of sad occasions - I am one of these people. I know that a certain person I knew died 'in August' and someone else I knew passed away 'round about Easter', but I actively choose not to remember the exact date simply because I don't want to feel especially down on that day. But I do appreciate that it is a very significant date for you, I'm sad for your loss and I really do wish you well 🙂 xx

Somerville · 30/11/2016 23:10

Hope you're okay, OP.

Only 50 minutes to go until midnight and the end of the worst kind of anniversary, if you're still reading this.

Hope you get some sleep tonight, love. Feel free to come back and update if you want. Or tell us about him, if you want. Or to leave this and not come back to it, if it hurts too much.

Justaboy · 30/11/2016 23:18

Time. It does get better it changes it never goes away but it changes for the better. Had it happen twice with loved ones.

fatsatsuma · 01/12/2016 07:48

willstarttomorrow I'm so sorry it's like this for you. I lost my DH 18 months ago, and I have started to experience that drift away of certain friends who have moved on while, like you, my grief is worse than ever.

MollyHuaCha I understand where you're coming from, to to be honest, when you've lost someone like a spouse or a child, it's really not an option to be vague about the date. Apart from the fact that you have to write down the date on hundreds of forms for months, the date is simply carved into your mind because life changes completely on that day. I could never choose not to remember the exact date - it's burned into my memory forever. I wish it wasn't.

MollyHuaCha · 01/12/2016 08:18

Yes, of course you are right. I didn't mean to sound thoughtless, I was just suggesting a reason that others might not remember.

TroysMammy · 01/12/2016 08:23

I do think of people no longer with us but usually remember their birthdays not the date they passed away unless it's the first anniversary. My thoughts are there, I just don't mention it.

ThisNight · 01/12/2016 08:47

Thinking of you willstarttomorrow.

Until someone has experienced a loss like yours, I'm not sure that they realise the second year can be even worse than the first. The support is there to begin with, and then life goes on / back to normal for everyone else. I really felt like I had hit rock bottom by the 2nd anniversary - it's been 3 1/2 years now, and as a pp said, it does change with time, a bit like a dull pain that your aware of, but can cope with, rather than the searing agony.

I have found great comfort in MN, from the kind, caring posters to the sheer madness and daft fun - both qualities I miss in the person I lost. I make a point of talking about her regularly, as others are not always sure if they should.

I think bereavement is still a taboo, and we are not always sure how to support others.

Take care OP

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