When does this grief end? It's nearly a year....

[noshit]

DM died Just before Christmas last year. Funeral was January this year. Spent last Christmas sorting out stuff and trying to get through. I "put a lid" on how I was feeling. Fast forward to now and I'm a wreck. Dreading Christmas.

Been to GP and am on mirtazapine. Been recommended to go for some counseling. Finally plucked up the courage to ring them and there is a 12 week waiting list.

I'm really struggling. Work is a nightmare although I can put on a very good act so no one knows how I'm doing. DH works away a lot (away this week). I feel so guilty for my DS's who bear the brunt of me not dealing with day to day stuff. I thought I'd be over it by now but I seem to be getting worse. Went to see GP again yesterday and ended up in pieces.

Just needed to write it down.

So sorry you're feeling this way. You're not alone though. I lost my DM last September, like you DH works away a LOT - more than half the year. I have 5 DC. I haven't processed it at all. I lived abroad for a long time and time with my mum for me and for DC was one of the things that brought me back. She lived for 2 weeks after we repatriated. I know it's never enough time but that still feels very raw. There just has been too much going on and I've just pushed it down. I still talk to her in my head like I did all those years away when she was sleeping and I couldn't call. It feels almost like she could still be here. I don't know when I'm going to find the time to process it or if one day it's just going to hit me too hard to suppress. Well, sending you hugs, you are not alone.

I think in part it's the putting a lid on it that can have a knock on effect. Your feelings of sadness and upset are completely valid, be they a days after losing your lovely DM or a few years down the line. They're valid and you're allowed to express that ( even if it is just having a good old sob privately and letting those feelings wash over you). That feeling won't last forever and after allowing yourself that time you'll feel better for it.

Christmas is such an emotive time of year anyway, and where DM died so close to Christmas it's bound to be a very difficult time. Last year you were probably on autopilot to some extent and this year will probably feel like the first one almost.

I think because sadness is such a negative emotion we kid ourselves into thinking it's not ok to be upset. That as long as we're happy things are ok. But it's also ok to be sad and sometimes we need to be. I feel the need to watch Inside Out now

It sounds like you're taking really good steps to getting yourself to a better place. I've heard people say that it doesn't really get easier, but we just learn to cope with better and I think there's some truth in that.

I do not think you should supress your feelings, you should let yourself go through the emotions. I think counselling will defiantly help you cope but please don’t put a cap on your feelings.