4 years on.

[Okwhat]

Is it normal to be at the upset/angry stage of grief 4 years after you loose someone?.

I've kept exceptionally busy all day with DD and cleaning my house out just to stop myself thinking about her.

Now DD is in bed I've stopped but am rather tipsy because otherwise I'll think think about the amazing woman I lost. In a horrible, unexpected way.

Anything and everything is normal. There's no right or wrong. I'm 18 months into losing someone close to me and I've felt that anger so strongly over the past week.

2.5 years in and I can feel sadness welling up in me quite often. I never got angry, but who knows, maybe that's to come! My point is, there's no schedule. Even the woman who came up with the seven stages of grief concept acknowledged that it was just a guideline, but somehow we all feel we should be following it. I don't think grief is linear either, it sort of ebbs and flows

It just hurts. I can see a picture of her without getting upset (I have a few around the house but if I see it by surprise, like if I'm looking through old photos and I happen to see one, it upsets me and it takes me back to that day.

I'm angry, not with her but with the woman I blame for her death. She robbed my daughter of a chance to meet her great great Nan. And I hate her for that. I'm angry at myself, and hate myself because if I wasn't so selfish I could have taken her home and looked after her, but instead I was selfish because I felt I couldn't cope being pregnant and a full time carer.

If I had put my selfish wants aside and stepped up, like she would have in my position, she could still be alive. She could have passed away in peace, in her sleep. Instead, her last moments were her being scared and trying to gasp for air.

Okwhat, first of all, I'm sorry, sorry you lost someone so close to you and you are hurting. I know what that's like.

I found one of the hardest things to accept was acceptance itself. Actually just accepting whats happened and trying to come to terms with it. The only thing that helped me was time and even now, 4 years down the line like yourself, I really struggle with it. Sometimes I can get on with life and go with the flow, then at other times I'm just down with everything really badly.

Its hard to accept whats done is done. I too look back and think if I'd done that, been nicer, been more patient, put a bloody smile on my face, gave her a hug...its endless. All I can say to myself is I done what I could at the time, with what I was living with. 4 years on and with hindsight I'd have done things differently, but I didn't have that experience then.

I think what I'm trying to say to you is you did what you did and at the time you couldn't do more, or you felt you couldn't do more. And I'm sure she knew it and was grateful for all you did do, which I bet was a whole lot more than what you imagine.

I hope I've helped a teeny bit, its really hard to get your head around losing someone you loved so much and accepting the reality of it all. I think with all the hindsight we have now we forget to be kind to ourselves and accept we tried our best.