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My Grandma died yesterday

12 replies

prufrock · 14/06/2004 11:49

And I feel very guilty because I don't feel upset. Even my unemotional little brother is crying down the phone, and my sister is distraught (poor thing is doing a Chemistry GSCE as I type). But whilst I cried yesterday when I found out I'm not really that upset. She had been ill for a few years with alzheimers, so she really wasn't herself, and I haven't actually seen her since Xmas (although I spoke to her regularly). But surely I should be feeling something.
All I'm actually feeling is dread at the arguments I know are going to come over her estate - Grandma made me her executor a few years back as she didn't want my Mum to take over everything. Grandma's "carer" is currently renting her house, and Mum is already talking about not being able to sell it because we need to provide for her. Whilst I don't want to throw the woman out on the street (well actually I do - coincidentally she is the same person who bullied me throughout my secondary education-but I know we have to give her plenty of time to find another house and job) I don't feel that we need to provide her with a roof for the rest of her life just because she was nice to Grandma for the last 2 years (and was paid well to do so). And I have to set up a trust for my little sister, although Mum thinks it would be nice if all the family used the money to buy a holiday home together - yeah right. I just know it's all going to get very nasty, especially between my Mum and Aunt - and I think Grandma did too which is why she wanted me to sort it all out.

OP posts:
jampot · 14/06/2004 11:56

Sorry to hear your sad news Prufrock. I would be inclined to "step" into your grandma's shoes to see how best to play things. It may be that she has requested you set up a trust for your sister in the will and you will have to explain to your mum and your aunt that you intend to abide by your grandma's wishes. As for not feeling anything, grief comes in many ways and just because you're not sobbing uncontrollably doesn't mean you're not grieving. Don't be too hard on yourself. At my mum's funeral my cousin's boyfriend was crying like I had never seen anyone cry before (and he hadn't even met her) whilst my sisters and I were quietly shedding a tear.

ks · 14/06/2004 12:31

This reply has been deleted

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Tinker · 14/06/2004 12:53

Oh sorry to hear this prufrock. Agree with the others about grief taking many forms and Alzheimers meaning you may have lost the person already. Also, I guess, we expect our grandparents to die. But don't feel guilty. I don't think I cried greatly when my grandparents died, just a feeling of deep sadness.

Tissy · 14/06/2004 13:10

Prufrock, I was sorry to hear of your loss, but interested, too, as I am one of the executors of my father's estate. He is only 63 and likely to last a good few years yet, but thought that things would be fairly straight forward when the time comes...

Isn't it the job of the executor to carry out the wishes of the deceased as outlined in the will, or do you have to make some kind of judgement as to what the deceased "would have wanted"?

If it is the former, then surely there should be no arguments- you carry out what she wanted to the letter, if your family don't like it, that's tough!

Isn't there some kind of "pecking order" for who gets what, after the provisions of the will have been attended to? If there is no spouse, then doesn't the remainder get divided between the children of the deceased?

I hope I haven't added to your problems by asking all this...if it is complicated then I'll have to plan carefully for when my dad goes!

spacemonkey · 14/06/2004 13:12

Sorry to hear your sad news and also about your predicament with the estate prufrock

prufrock · 14/06/2004 13:42

Don't worry Tissy - It's only complicated because it's my family. What my Grandma wanted was a split of the estate between 6 of us - and that's what will happen. It's probably not what my mother wants though - and how do you split a wedding ring 6 ways!

OP posts:
Tessiebear · 14/06/2004 13:55

I can understand what you mean about not feeling sad - in your mind you had probably accepted that her death would be iminent. My grandma (87) has bowel cancer at the moment and i hate to see her suffer.... With regards to the estate - i would give your Grandmas carer a month to vacate the premises (she was well paid and you do not owe her anything) Ignore your mothers advice (Your Grandma made you exectutor FOR A REASON) Do as YOU think fit with the money, your Grandma obviously trusted you a lot and she trusts you to do the right thing now

Tissy · 14/06/2004 13:56

Hmm- I get your point. Sell everything then split? That's what my Mum has threatened to do when we pretend to bicker over who's going to get the family silver (my brothers and I reckon my sister who lives in the same town as my Mum will be round there like a shot to empty the house )

Hope it's not too difficult for you, prufrock

lars · 14/06/2004 14:07

prufrock, sorry to hear of your lost. Maybe why you don't feel so upset is the fact you have already come to terms with knowing you have already lost your grandma to alzheimers.

As for your grandma's helper surely the contract is now ended as she no longer needs to care for her. Job does not exsist anymore, seek legal advice about this but i'm sure you are not responsible but maybe do have to give her time to move out- check this out!
Hope all goes well for you Larsxx

WideWebWitch · 14/06/2004 16:26

Oh Prufrock, poor you. Sorry about your grandma and sorry too that you're going to be in the middle of a potential drama about the estate. BUT remember, you're only carrying out her wishes, you're not making decisions, you're an executor so don't take any crap about it. And come here and vent if you need to. Thinking of you.

prufrock · 24/06/2004 23:08

Well at least I now know I'm not a heartless cow. Spent the last week at Mums and most of it in tears. Funeral was yesterday.
We are letting carer stay for 6 months at least- Mum and aunt not ready to get rid of house yet. And she's been really good, and is terribly upset. I've gone from hating her to just feeling really sorry for her, and have promised to search Mumsnet for help for her (she's caught in benefit trap at the moment - can't earn enough to pay for childcare and cover lost housing benefits)
Everybody was really nice to each other - although cracks did start to show today - I'm very glad to be back in the peace and quiet of my own little house.

OP posts:
Angeliz · 24/06/2004 23:11

So Sorry Prufock+++++++++

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