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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Does anyone have no close family

76 replies

JustDanceAddict · 15/10/2016 15:31

My parents died when I was relatively young, I'm an only child and only have one living aunt and her two DDs as my closest living family. Aunt is by marriage, but she is like a 'real' aunt. They don't live in the U.K. Though. Another close relative of mine also passed away this year and I was gutted. This means that apart from dh & 2 dcs (teens) I haven't really got close extended family and it's a very weird feeling not to be 'tethered'. I have in-laws, but it's no way the same and I don't really like them!! Anyone else in a similar position? Most of my friends still have at least one living parent/siblings, etc.

OP posts:
ssd · 22/10/2016 13:04

so many things here I recognize, feeling so bereft, rootless and realizing my own mortality.

thanks for everyone's honesty.

I dream in my next life I'm surrounded by a large and loving family and I have siblings I love and who love me back.

Parsley1234 · 22/10/2016 16:01

Yes I really have got a lot out of this thread too makes me feal less alone and realise other people feal like I do - thank you to everyone who replied and to the op who started it.

passportmess · 22/10/2016 16:54

Flowers to you both.

Truckingalong · 22/10/2016 17:03

I have no one. My mum died last year and my dad this year. I'm an only child. No other family. My relationship is on its last knockings after 12 years. I have a few friends but they're busy with their own lives. Life is not good at the moment.

passportmess · 22/10/2016 19:41

Trucking, I'm very sorry to hear this. Have you had bereavement counselling? I ask because you have lost two parents in quick succession and that must be so hard.

AFingerofFudge · 22/10/2016 19:52

My parents and only brother have all died, I have a cousin and his wife who don't live in this country and he has early onset dementia, so I feel quite isolated and miss having the backup of family.
By nature I'm not a very jealous person but I do get a bit of a twinge when I hear people talking about their parents/family.

Parsley1234 · 22/10/2016 21:21

For me one of the hardest things is not having anyone to have your back as in my son is going to boarding school next year and I'm preparing mentally now to get a new career started but I'm scared and I don't really have anyone to back me emotionally up so I vacillate between what if and maybe because I'm so torn. I also am rootless as in no ties anywhere even writing that makes me feal panicky and I then start worrying about when my son goes on his gap year or gets married what should I do. I have a great therapist who has become a friend who listens to me and gives great advice and makes me see things as they are but it is really tough sometimes

Truckingalong · 22/10/2016 22:20

I tried counselling but I only managed one session. Talking about it doesn't change anything, it won't ever bring my parents back, so I didn't go again.

ssd · 23/10/2016 11:14

I've had counselling too and am doing cbt just now for health anxiety...but as its all tied to having no family theres not much tat I can do about it either and cbt doesnt feel like its addressing my real lonliness

Parsley1234 · 23/10/2016 20:03

I went to a therapist once ( I am also a trained therapist) who when I said I feal so alone he trotted out "well we are ultimately alone " I felt like knocking him out - yes yes you sure are alive you have a massive family wife kids parents still alive jeez some people have no idea what alone alone really means !

ssd · 23/10/2016 20:29

parsley1234, as a therapist, what would you say to me if I said this?

goingmadinthecountry · 24/10/2016 01:23

I'm an only child - dad is 88 and has cancer. Mum died about 10 years ago and I have 3 cousins I don't see much who live at the other end of the country. It's hard. I have 4 children - didn't want them to have the loneliness I grew up with.

What really irritates me is that the in-laws fell out with me - very boring story of nothingness and they have fallen out with many other family members too. They therefore don't see my children though they only live up the road. Mind you, fil asked dd and her ale cousin what they wanted to do when they grew up. Dd1 - be a lawyer. FIL - Oh no, that's not a good job for a girl, you'll never do that. Nephew - be a footballer. FIL - good boy - I'm sure you'll be fantastic. Move on 15 years dd1 has a very good law degree from a top uni and nephew (lovely as he may be) was given a job by his dad and doesn't play football. Sorry,that turned into a moan.

Parsley1234 · 24/10/2016 21:00

Ssd what helped me was my therapist letting me have my fealings about my reality as in nothing is going to change I am on my own and I have to accept that and not dress it up as in something it could be i.e. Live in fantasy

ssd · 25/10/2016 15:21

yes parsley I get that. I spend an awful lot of time dreaming of how it should be or could be instead of dealing with the reality and getting on with it and being more content with what I actually have, here and now. .not living in fantasy would be good for me but hard to do.

goingmad, seems like you are better off keeping a distance from your inlaws then!

I'm looking at going for a meal out of Christmas day as its only us 4 and it just feels a bit flat as its us 4 all year too. But the prices are shocking and I dont think dc2 would eat the food as he lives on pizza or pasta. I just desperately want something to life the day and make it special, for all of us.

Its hard going, isnt it.

Parsley1234 · 25/10/2016 16:02

It is hard going I want it to be different but it isn't. I find it so hard to have no one to rely on or help me sort out my fealings bar paying for it ! My life feals very tenuous

ssd · 25/10/2016 22:21

I feel like that a lot too.

ssd · 25/10/2016 22:23

I also feel like everyone else in the world I know has other family to lean/rely on, except me. I know this isnt true but it really feels like it. I dont know anyone with no other family except dh or the dc's.

joystir59 · 25/10/2016 23:21

I know what you mean, my parents dies a long time ago when I was quite young and I have no contact with any of my remaining blood relative- vey long story. What I have found is that my friends have become my family, along with my ex husband, current wife and my adopted son. Family really doesnt have to mean blood.

Crispbutty · 25/10/2016 23:36

I'm an only child. Both parents dead. I was adopted at birth and traced biological mother after my mum died. I met her but sadly she died too not long after. I also have no children nor ever will have now as I'm too old at 47.

I am lucky to have an amazing partner and his family are very welcoming to me, but it is a very lonely feeling to know you have no family of your own at all. I fear getting old and being totally alone. Sad

Parsley1234 · 27/10/2016 16:45

I will say it again I really love this thread makes me feal so much less alone. I know that you can have friends as family but when the chips are down their family come first as it should and that makes me feal terribly worse ! I worry about being so alone when my son goes to boarding school next September and it makes me feal anxious and very sad.

ssd · 27/10/2016 18:01

yes I feel with no family back up theres a massive gap in my life and I'm terrified to get old too

Tootsiepops · 27/10/2016 22:28

My entire immediate family (younger brother, dad and mum) all died suddenly and prematurely over the last four years. It has been horrendous especially losing my mum (just in April this year). I am bereft, but my baby girl was born towards the end of last year and she has been my focus. I am married, but my husband's mum is in her 80s, and his sister doesn't seem to bother too much with us.

I am having bereavement counselling. Sometimes I find it helpful, but it is so very difficult to talk about my grief to anyone.

ssd I have a whole parallel universe in my head where none of this happened, and my daughter and I are spending Christmas with her uncle and her gran and grampa and we are all happy.

Setterlover · 27/10/2016 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 27/10/2016 22:35

I dont know how much counselling helps. I had counselling with cruse and I'm having CBT for anxiety just now. But I really dont know if its working at all. I know I'm anxious as I feel so alone with just my dc''s and dh but the counsellor focuses on when I feel anxious, not why. I feel it misses the point entirely, but I dont want to tell her that as it feels I'm shoving it back in her face and shes really nice.

I dont know..it just affects everything, doesnt it.

tootsie, I know what you mean, dh gets frustrated I live in my head so much and get caught up on what ifs instead of living with how it is, but its hard.

SlipperyJack · 27/10/2016 22:42

My dad died over 30 years ago, and my mum is in a nursing home with advanced dementia. No siblings - some aunts, uncles and cousins, but we're not close at all. I also have two MILs (blood and step) but DH and I are only close to the step MIL.

My family is therefore DH and my DC. I don't have many friends either.

I'm dreading Christmas, as lovely MIL is away this year. It always feels so wretchedly isolated when it's just me, DH and the DC. But I know I need to work on making the best of it for the DC's sake.