Struggling to come to terms with this

[GettingScaredNow]

Not sure I can post here.

My Dd is 4. She should have been a twin.
I have buried this deep down inside of me and never dealt with it.

In a nut shell, I had early scans and it showed 2 egg sacs. Both grew, both developed heart beats. One was smaller then the other. At 10 weeks both were growing well. At 11 weeks I had a fight with my then husband, and he shoved me. So hard I fell, skidded across the floor and hit the wall.
My abdomen over the next few hours throbbed and hurt. I went to a&he who did an internal examination and said the cervix was well closed etc and to keep an eye on the pain. Sent me home.
At 12 week scan only one had a heart beat. Midwife was surprised.

I told my friends and family that it simply had t developed but it was bigger then it had been at the 10 week scan. No one can say for sure why it stopped growing. I'm convinced it's cos of the violence.
I buried this deep inside myself and never dealt with it.
STBXH (yes I stayed with him, turns out it was a VERY abusive controlling marriage and I couldn't see it) fobbed me off about it and poo-poo'ed the whole thing so I never dealt with it.

Now we're separated and I'm doing school run and I'm my Dd's class are 2 sets of twins. I'm suddenly struggling to cope with this. It's like someone ripped open the buried memory and is shoving it in my face saying 'deal with me!'

And I don't know how.
Hope I'm not in the wrong place here. I feel very alone. Did I lose a child?
I didn't miscarry, I didn't still birth.
But 'it' had a pulse. And then it didn't anymore. And that feels like death.

Sorry to hear that - the loss of your baby and your abusive relationship.
You didn't have to go through a miscarriage to actually lose a child. You knew you were expecting two babies and only had one because the other baby stopped growing.
There's no shame in grieving and maybe you should look for professional help with this.
Hope you will feel better soon.

Thank you for replying. I've felt a mess the last couple of mornings because of this. He made me feel like I was making it up so I wasn't sure if I was in the end. If that makes sense.
Mountain out of a mole hill type situation.
And I hardly ever look at Dd and think of her lost sibling. But I find the school run tough. I struggle to watch the mums with the twins and feel a pang of... I'm not sure what. It's not jealousy. It's not envy. I don't know the word. But a 'that should have been us' feeling. A sadness. I never felt it much before.
Dd is so amazing and brings me so much joy.
Thank you for validating how I'm feeling. At least I know what I feel is real and valid!
Perhaps I will approach my GP? Would they point me in the right direction to cope with this, on top of everything else.

Oh gosh, OP. I would approach your doctor, yes.

What a bastard. I'm glad he's on the way out. It sounds like you have a lot of grief at the moment and remembering the loss of a baby must be crushing.

Speak to your doctor to get facts. There is often unfounfed guilt felt by mums around losing a baby - 99.9% wrongly I may add. And it's natural to grieve, and when the life is in turmoil it all co.es taking out, although you can't really 'get' over' the loss of a baby.

You have a precious daughter and the life is moving on.

Ok so your ex may have been the biggest bastard on the planet but the good thing that came out of that part of your life is sitting there eating her cocopops and telling you which friends when wants to play with today.

Please speak to your doctor and ask them about the baby.

You feel a pang of not jealousy or envy, you feel a pang of sadness.

Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve for the child you didn't get to raise.