Just that really - I've been holding myself mostly together for the past year.
DP died last September, 6 weeks after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and I've survived so far. I've done all the firsts - birthdays, Christmas, NY, special dates and times. I've told myself so many times that the first year is the worst, and that after that you've done everything without him at least once.
But now that it's almost a year (in 9 days), I don't want it to be. I can't explain it, but it almost feels like losing him again - I want to hold on to the next 'first', even though I've been telling myself that once I've done all of them it'll be easier.
I guess it's a bit of a milestone, one that I never wanted and one that I still don't want. I want the impossible, I want things to be as they were, I'm tired of being strong.
I don't want to move on - but I have to. I don't understand how I feel, how can something I've been waiting for suddenly be something to dread?
And I do dread it. More and more as it gets closer.
Life does go on, and it has gone on - I can now get through day by day, sometimes week by week whereas a year ago it was minute by minute. I smile, I laugh, I plan things, I miss him. And I don't want it to be the anniversary.