Today would've been his 50th birthday

[HHH3]

He was DS2's dad. He committed suicide and today would've been his 50th birthday.

DS2 is now 3 and has additional needs. His dad died when he was 5 months old. He asks about his daddy a lot but doesn't understand where he is.

I'm so tired. DS is hard work because of his needs and I'm constantly having to fight and advocate for him. I have no support and I'm so, so tired. And I'm always scared that I'm going to make the wrong decisions - the buck always stops with me.

I'm still so angry with him for what he did and I know I haven't grieved properly. I never had time - I had a 5 month old and I couldn't fall apart so life just had to carry on. But I know I can't carry on like this. I just don't know what to do.

Thank-you.

I have friends but rarely talk about it nowadays. And, as it happens, they're all busy today. I got a babysitter for this evening, have gone for a drive and am sitting here crying. I've held it together all day and couldn't do it anymore.

I've never been to a bereavement support group. Not sure it's my thing tbh - I'd be too worried about crying in front of people I don't know.

You're doing a great job - what you're feeling is natural, and dont worry.

I've never been to a bereavement support group. Not sure it's my thing tbh - I'd be too worried about crying in front of people I don't know.

I've never been to one, but i dont think crying there would be a problem, maybe it is time for you to have a go?

Just googling to try and find something but doesn't look like there's anything local.

Have you talked to your GP or your HV?

They can advise you/put you in touch with people who can help and support you.

That might be worth a try. I could maybe call someone on Tuesday. Found a support group about half an hour away. Might try contacting them as well.

That's worth looking into as well.

I'm just so scared of breaking down and not being able to put myself together again. I can't do that - my DSs need me.

Can't talk to family but I should talk to friends more - I know they'd want to help if they knew.

Grieving with a small dc must be so difficult for you - there is a lot of support you can get and you really will be able to stop crying if you let it out, honestly.

What you've been through is something most people never have to. You will come out stronger once you start to express how you feel inside (sorry I know that sounds cheesy, it's not meant to). In a group of strangers you might get that extra layer of protection - they don't know you and they're all there because they're also grieving.

Anger is completely normal. By prioritising your mental health you're also putting your dc first.

You're all right - I do need to get this sorted don't I? I can't carry on like this.

Cruse bereavement counselling really helped me with the loss of someone close. They travelled to my home and sat and let me talk. Their help was invaluable.

Love and sympathy to you and DS2.

That's worth looking at too - thank-you.

Home again now and babysitter has gone. DS2 is in my bed so I'm going to go and snuggle up to him.