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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Really sad ... I can't stop thinking about it ....

20 replies

Ghosty · 09/06/2004 02:38

Yesterday I found out that a little girl at DS's Kindergarten lost her 6 week baby brother to Cot Death at the weekend. I just can't stop thinking about the poor family and what they must be going through. Last night DD was awake a lot because she has a cold and even when she was sleeping I kept getting up and checking on her. I don't know how anyone could recover from losing a baby or child.
What makes it worse is that it was an unplanned (and by all accounts unwanted) pregnancy ... so what on earth is now going through the poor mother's mind?
Sorry ... just needed to offload ...

OP posts:

nightowl · 09/06/2004 03:05

thats awful ghosty. no-one should have to go through that. its the worst possible thing i can ever imagine. i think its one of the reasons i dont sleep much, i feel like i should watch dd all night. sad but true. i thought i was losing ds a lot of times when he had his asthma attacks, usually in the early hours and it drove me to despair. those poor people, my heart goes out to them.

glitterfairy · 09/06/2004 07:35

That is awful Ghosty. Last week someone I vaguely knew lost their four year old who choked at breakfast and the parents had to watch and could do nothing. It was on a grape and is making me wonder if I could save one of mine who choked. I may go to parents first aid now. I cannot imagine what they are going through or what it felt like at the time.

Original poster

Ghosty · 09/06/2004 08:56

Glitterfairy ... that is terrible ...
I have spent the day just playing with DS and DD and telling them I love them ... gave the housework a miss as I just needed to be with them ...

OP posts:

emmatmg · 09/06/2004 09:25

It absolutley breaks my heart to hear stuff like this.
I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams how awful it must be to be either mum(ghosty and glitterfairys posts).
My heart goes out to all the families who have lost a little one.

Hulababy · 09/06/2004 10:21

Oh, how terrible I can not imagine that pain. My heart goes out to anyone in such a circumstance

glitterfairy · 09/06/2004 10:32

It is totally outside how I could function and more tears than I could ever weep or imagine.At times like these Ghosty our kids are incredibly comforting.

England04 · 09/06/2004 10:33

Hi
I found out i was pregnant 3 years ago and i was 3 weeks we had been trying for so long and i lost the baby never attached it's self to my womb properly and it was a major heartbreak i alraedy had 1 son at the time so i had to still be strong for him anyway 2 months later i found out i was pregnant again but couldn't understand it as we had'nt had sex.
Went to the hospital and turned out it was twins but one came away and the other surrvived it which is now phoebe and im grateful that at least she was ok.

suedonim · 09/06/2004 14:10

Ghosty, my friend and neighbour lost her 9wk baby to cotdeath when ds2 was small. It was awful, the police at their house and so on. I just couldn't let go of ds2, hugged him to pieces, almost. I still occasionally think of that tiny little boy. He'd be about 23 yrs old now, if he'd survived.

spikeycat · 10/06/2004 10:50

oh god - thats so terrible, I'm looking at 9 week old harry lying on his play mat and farting to himself, listening to ds1 playing in his room. You really realise how very lucky you are when you hear things like this - there but for the grace of god eh.

Cot death is something I have always been so scared of.... I couldn't bare it.

triplets · 11/06/2004 19:17

Hi,
Reading these messages just churns me up. I lost Matthew as some of you know. He was at that time my only child, 14 and so lovely. It was 10 years last week that he died and I got 2 cards and no phone calls. There isnt a day goes by that I dont think of him, miss him and just want him back along qith my life as it used to be. Now here I am with my triplets after ivf, two boys and a wonderful little girl, I love them so much but am terrified that something will happen to them, I want it all, them and Matthew and I cant. My heart feels at times as though its sqeezed with pain, everything I do has an edge of sadness. I try so hard to get on with my life but this huge weight of the most devastating loss is forever with me. Even those words dont come near to the awfulness of the pain.

binkie · 11/06/2004 19:41

Triplets, I saw your note and had to respond. You have all my sympathy, I think it probably isn't enough for your tragedy. I'm specially sorry to hear that the anniversary passed most of your family/friends by. I remember our first (much-loved) nanny being very very quiet one day and then telling me it was the 10-year anniversary of her little sister's death (traffic accident). So in a very faint way I can imagine how you might feel - and sending all the thoughts I can.

I do hope you weren't on your own for that anniversary. Did you feel strong enough to do something special for it, or if not then, might you some time soon?

Slink · 11/06/2004 19:48

triplets, i read your message i am so so sorry for your loss and hope as binkie said that you did or do something nice,

Friends and family often think they will upset you if they mentioned anything.

All my love Slink

triplets · 11/06/2004 20:52

Hi Binkie and Slink,
I was so dreading the day that I decided to try and make it a positive day rather than a negative sad one where I would just sit here and think about that awful day. So Harry and I took the children to France, it was a big surprise for them as we took them through the channel tunnel, they were so excited.We spent the day around Calais and they enjoyed it. But even doing that brought back memories. The tunnel opened in 1994, 4 months after he died, my friends invited me to go with them through it on its first trip, I just wanted to cry all the way there and back, just kept screaming inside my head, "he1l never do this". So now I try to say to myself that Thomas Rebecca and James are doing it for him, that helps. They have been brought up to always know him, we always talk about him and of course now they have some of his things, the only trouble is like today they threw some of his Brio and broke it, I almost snatched it back, but they dont understand. Its so hard.

colette · 11/06/2004 21:22

Tbh I don't think I can add anything that does not sound inadequate. Thinking of you all as I creep in to give dd and ds a big kiss.
England04 Phoebe must be a very special girl.

tigermoth · 11/06/2004 21:47

triplets, ever since you first posted about Matthew, I have never forgotten him. I'm sure I speak for a lot of other mumsnetters here who have read your messages. I remember your story at all sorts of odd times when I look at my sons, busy and happy with life. I am so sad for you, so sorry Matthew is not with you.

bloss · 12/06/2004 05:22

Message withdrawn

Marina · 12/06/2004 18:53

Agree with the others, Triplets - you and Matthew are not forgotten on Mumsnet. Our crab-apple tree (for Thomas) flowered beautifully this Spring and I thought of you then too.
We have dd now and believe me I know all too well the impossible feeling of wanting her AND Thomas back too. Sending you much love.

NomDePlume · 12/06/2004 20:20

I, too, ocassionally think of Matthew, Triplets. Your original post 'introducing' us to him and your grief was so very touching and painful that I think many of us remembered it well. I think the fact that you are still grieving for him is testament to how very loved he was (and still is). I lost my daughter at 24 weeks gestation and so I had to go through the whole induction of labour thing which was horrifying to say the least. I am still 'haunted' by Hollie's memory and I can only imagine that the feeling of total loss increases, the older your child is when they pass away.

A huge {{HUG{}}} to all the families who've suffered loss.
xx

Soapbox · 12/06/2004 20:25

Me too triplets, I think of Matthew a lot - and I think of Thomas too Marina.

Their stories have probably helped me out many times when I have felt at the end of my tether and been just about to shout at the children. So in some way my children have many reasons to be in debt to Matthew and Thomas and though neither they nor I ever knew them, their legacy lives on in a small way because of them.

Much love Jxx

triplets · 12/06/2004 20:52

You are all so special, thank you, I didnt realize that you all out there were remembering him. Marina I am glad that Thomass tree is thriving, ours brings us such hope as it constantly changes with the seasons. Well tonight for the first time James suddenly asked me if Matthew had died from cancer, I was so surprised. I told him as I have told him before that Matthews heart just stopped one day very quickly and that we dont know why. Then the question I have been dreading, "where did he die, was it in the sitting room?" I answered no, he died outside, and left it at that. I thought Thomas was then going to ask if it was in the garden, it wont be long I think now until they know. I am not sure that they are yet old enough to know that. I do not want them to be frightened about it, dont want them to think that it could happen to them. But also I dont want to lie to them.Reading your messages makes me realize how wonderful and supportive Mumsnet is, you are all truly special Mums xxxxxxxxxxx

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